For those of us who have regular interaction with the airline industry, it’s hard to find a subject that invokes more raw contempt.  Airlines, and the airports from which they operate, have no peer when it comes to creative ways to piss-off their customers.  Customer dissatisfaction in this industry is so prevalent that it simply could not happen by accident.  Some very smart and creative geniuses must be paid a lot of money to guide the airline industry to this level of ineptitude.  Here’s how it unfolds.

National Geographic Travelor Photo by Sindre Ellingsen/Alamy

Arriving at the airport drop off zone, you are “greeted” by a cop that barks at you like a Marine boot-camp sergeant until your bags are heaved to the curb.  Like everything else at the airport,  checking-in is a great chance to practice your standing-in-line skills…..but be grateful, you will need these skills for EVERY SINGLE THING YOU DO at the airport.  When you finally get up to the counter, you find that getting a boarding pass is really  just an opportunity to pay $20 to get your bag checked.

And does anyone understand how airlines price their tickets?  Why does a ticket from Miami to Dallas costs $188 on one airline and…    $613 on another?  Why does the lowest price ticket from Miami to Seattle (a flight of 3,300 miles) cost $368 and a flight from Miami to Tallahassee (a flight of 330 miles, just 1/10th the distance) cost virtually the same?  Do they actually have a pricing methodology, or is it some sort of  maniacal plot designed to drive you that short remaining distance to total dementia?   

If you have never personally witnessed chaos in it’s purest form, the security screening process is a real treat.  Where does the TSA get these people?  All I can say is….not all the monkeys are in the zoo.  Apparently, there is only one question on the TSA job application form:   “Can you fog a mirror?”

Now you are ready to board your flight.  In the Oxymoron Hall of Fame, “In-flight Service” has a room all it’s own.  Your introduction to this “service” is being seated by a flight attendant who was taught this skill by Pakistani goat herders.  After a delayed takeoff, the  “in-flight service” consists primarily of hawking overpriced drinks and sandwiches that look like they were made with residue from a pathology lab.

After a late arrival, you hurry to the baggage claim area.  More chaos.  If you have ever seen hogs feeding from a trough, this is approximately the same process.  Professional hockey games have less violence than the baggage claim area.  The last bit of misery begins when the baggage belt stops and your bag is not on it.  So you trudge over to the Lost Luggage office where  you are instructed to….. “Please form a line”.

If Hell is anywhere this bad, I’m changing my ways.  “Repent sinners, or you’re going straight to the airport!!!”

And, that is all I have to say about that.

Shambo