Umbrella drinks

Let me say this about that.

Ok, I’ll admit it.  I’m a drinking man.  In my little village, cocktail hour is that sacred time of day when you can kick-back, shoot the breeze with neighbors, and have an adult beverage of your choice.  My drink of choice is what I call a “whitey”…..”whitey” is a contraction of the term “white-out”, an unfortunate side effect.  A whitey is made by mixing equal parts vodka and ice.  I usually drink them until I forget the recipe.

Drinks of choice are as varied as the people who drink them…..and some are quite bizarre.  I have a cousin, for example, who drinks Budweiser (mistake # 1) mixed with lime juice.  All I can say is: “Cuz, two wrongs don’t make a right.” 

For people who like to puke, the drink of choice seems to be  Jaegermeister.  If you have never sampled a Jaegermeister, it tastes roughly like week-old sauerkraut mixed with rat piss.  The drinking of Jaegermeister is also…    highly ritualized.  First, you slug down a half dozen shots of this elixir. Then, you search  for the nearest patch of carpet on which to hurl.  It’s so simple any idiot can do it, and idiots do it all the time.   

I have a neighbor who is a second generation Cuban.  Carlos likes to go to the salsa clubs on the weekend, have a few drinks and dance with his hot Latina Mamas.  His drink of choice is a shot of tequila, chased by a can of Red Bull.  After three or four of these things,  Carlos is a dancing fool.  After six or eight, he becomes a fool dancing.  Most Sunday mornings after the inevitable “crash”, Carlos could be mistaken for a deflated blow-up doll after an all night bachelor party (Lord forgive me – that was disgusting).

Then there is the entire genre’ of “umbrella” drinks …. fruity little pastel concoctions with paper umbrellas stuck in the glass that cost about as much as a ’96 Honda.  These little productions are favorites of giggly teenage girls sneaking their first drink, some cross-dressers, and on occasion, Al Gore.

Some things just should not be mixed with alcohol.  I know a guy who drinks bourbon mixed with apple juice. The problem is that it gives him the “wind” something fierce and after two of these things he could inflate the Goodyear Blimp.  I’ve seen him clear out an entire bar just by ordering one.  His buddies like to take him camping because he pretty much solves the mosquito problem single-handedly.  You just have to keep the man away from the campfire.

For most Americans, the preferred drink of choice is a simple, cold beer …. except for the aforementioned cousin, of course.  Beer, as we all know, was invented in Bavaria nearly 800 years ago.  In those days, each tribe had to grow in population, simply as a means of survival.  To insure maximum population growth, beer was invented to guarentee reproduction among the tribe’s ugly fat people.  And that my friends, is why you have never seen a Miss Universe candidate selected from Germany. 

And, that is all I have to say about that.

Shambo