In January of this year, a 40 year old man drove his car into a minivan stopped at a Miami traffic light.  The crash was so violent that it killed three small children in the back of the minivan and hospitalized their father.  The driver that caused the accident and the deaths was found to have triple the legal maximum blood alcohol level at the time of the crash.  But on further investigation, the police also found that this man had received 26 previous traffic citations in the last eight years, including DUI and leaving the scene of an accident.  Yet, he still held a valid Florida driver’s license.  During pre-trial testimony, the man’s lawyer argued that the previous 26 traffic violations were irrelevant to the current charges and the jury should not be allowed to know about them.  The judge agreed!!

Question:  “What do you call the dumbest lawyer in the country?”   Answer:  “Your Honor.” 

In 2002, an employee of the hospital in Providence, Rhode Island raped one of their patients.  The rapist later sued the hospital claiming negligence because the hospital failed to prevent him from raping the patient.  Although it was ultimately dismissed, the truly amazing part of this story is that…    this man actually found a lawyer who thought this suit was a good idea.

Question: “What do you call a lawyer up to his neck in concrete?”     Answer: “Insufficient concrete.”

In 2007, a famed author and lecturer teamed with a group of California attorneys to promote a class action suit on behalf of a group of priests in the Catholic church.  This group of priests have all been accused of sexually molesting children, and at some point had been sent by their Bishop to see a psychologist specializing in the medical treatment of pedophilia.  The plan hatched by the lawyers, apparently was to sue for medical malpractice because the treatment for pedophilia was ineffective.

Question: “What is the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?”   Answer:  “There are skid marks in front of the snake.”

Earlier this year, the attorney for a former pro-basketball player with the Dallas Mavericks settled a two year old lawsuit against the NBA.   Apparently, the player was expelled from professional basketball due to an addiction to drugs and alcohol.   His lawyer claimed the NBA and the Mavericks were in violation of the “Americans with Disability Act” by discriminating against the player for his “disability” of drug and alcohol abuse.  The $6.5 million lawsuit was dismissed with a payment of $50,000  -  which was promptly pocketed by the lawyer.

Question: “How do you know you have the best lawyer in the country?”   Answer:  “When you have one that can get a charge of ‘sodomy’ reduced to ‘following-too-close-behind’ .”

In William Shakespeare’s play “Henry VI”, one of the characters exclaims:  “The first thing we do is kill all the lawyers.”  I think this reflects the sentiments of most of the folks in this country….even the lawyers themselves, who seem to revel in a good lawyer joke as much as the rest of us.

A man was sitting in a bar one evening when a ravishing and curvaceous young lass came in and sat on the stool next to him.  Sensing an opportunity, the man asked if he could buy her a drink.  She said OK and ordered a martini.  When the drink arrived, the man asked:   “And what do you do for a living, Gorgeous?”   The woman reached over and took the man’s hand, placed it on her thigh, and replied:  “I screw people for a living, Handsome.”   The man look stunned and said:  “No kidding.  I’m a lawyer too !!”

And, that’s all I have to say about that.

Shambo