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Let me say this about that.

Just as with any other profession, out there somewhere is the world’s worst doctor.  Now, with most professions, being the worst is merely an annoyance.  Take car salesmen for example:

Car salesman:  “Good morning sir.  What can I do to get you to buy a car – today?”

Customer:  “Do you have any 4-wheel drive SUV’s?”

Car salesman:  “Yes indeed sir, but what can I do to get you to buy a car – today?”

Customer:  “What sort of gas mileage does this one here get?”

Car salesman:  “Of course sir, and what can I do to get you to buy a car – today?”

Customer:  “Did you know I nailed your mom last night?”

Car salesman:  “Right you are sir.  Now what can I do to get you to buy a car – today?”

With bad doctors, it can be a little more serious.  No one ever goes out looking for…    a really good deal on a hysterectomy.  Getting hemorrhoids removed by a quack can totally ruin the experience of eating chili dogs.  Fortunately, spotting a really bad doctor is pretty easy.  All you have to do is listen to them explain a diagnosis to their nurse:

Nurse:  “Doctor, this patient is complaining that his face hurts.”

Doctor:  “Of course, Nurse Scratchit, this patient is suffering from tepid ‘cotton mouth’.  If treatment is not administered immediately, his condition will degrade into acute ‘motor mouth’.  You see, Nurse Scratchit, the underlying pathology here is ‘peter head’  which has been brought on by genetic ‘rubberneck’.  Where is the next patient?”

Nurse:  “Doctor, this patient has trouble moving his hands.”

Doctor:  “Well of course he does.  This is the worst case of ‘farm hand’ I’ve ever seen.  And just look at those ‘sticky fingers’.  Typically, in cases like this, I would simply give him the ‘finger’ but that could lead to ’2nd hand’.  Best call the family on this one.  Next patient.”

Nurse:  “You are the expert here, Doctor, but my diagnosis would be that this patient is ‘on-his-last-leg’.

Doctor:  “And that’s why you are a mere nurse, Scratchit, and I have near-godly powers to heal.  It’s clear that this man has advanced ‘mistle toe’.  Call Dr. Jack Legg, and have this patient tested for ‘pig skin’ immediately!  Oh my.  What is wrong with that poor woman?”

Nurse:  “Well she originally came in to have a breast implant, but the surgeon was such a boob, the patient would up ‘barrel-chested’.   Oh doctor, I think you are developing a case of ‘evil eye’.”

Doctor:  “Calm down Nurse Scratchit.  I’m a professional.  I’ll soon have this situation well in ‘hand’.” 

Even bad doctors have some redeeming characteristics.  Not so true for car salesmen.  I’ve known a few bad doctors and it seems that the one thing that they have in common – other than poor medical skills – is a sense of humor.  I went in for a check-up a few months ago and this particular quack insists on telling me jokes throughout the entire examination.  One in particular stands out:

Question:  “What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?”

Answer:  “A quarter pounder with cheese.”

And, that’s all I have to say about that.

Shambo