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Let me say this about that.

Every year the  U.S. News and World Report magazine publishes their list of the best colleges in America.  That’s nice, however it has always been my view that unless abject failure is also exposed, there can be no progress.  So, with this lofty goal, I give you Shambo’s List of Crappy Colleges.

I’ll start in the South where I was raised and educated as a young man.  Now there are many fine institutions of higher learning in the South.  I offer Georgia Tech, Wake Forest, Virginia Tech and Duke as examples.  But there are also a number of real stinkers.  In my opinion (sorry lawyers), what follows is a list of institutions of ‘Lower Learning’.  I’ll start with the University of Georgia.

The University of Georgia isn’t a ‘real’ University.  It’s just a halfway house where kids go to…    overcome the trauma of having to go to high school.  There are many fine degrees that come out of the University of Georgia, however, most of them are printed on thermometers.  I’ve been told that graduates of the University of Georgia regularly Scotch-tape their diplomas to the rear window of their pick-up trucks to avoid being ticketed when they park in handicap spots.

Then there is the University of Alabama.  Calling this school a “University” is tantamount to shooting off a bottle rocket and calling it the Space Program.  It has been said that the pinnacle of oxymorons was reached when an Alabama administrator coined the phrase….. “the University of Alabama Honor Roll”.  If you want to find a collection of Alabama graduates, go find a guy selling cell phones, magazine subscriptions, or Subaru’s.

Of course, if you need a salesman for a much more technical product – say, fax machines, you need to go down the road a bit to Auburn University.  It’s not my intention to demean Auburn just because the head of their physics department is a guy named Wile E. Coyote.  If fact, I have several life long friends that are Auburn alumni.  I find it’s easy hanging with these guys, especially since I am such an ardent supporter of the Special Olympics.

Now, everyone knows that professional baseball teams have a minor league.  The minor league is where up-and-coming baseball players are trained to prepare them for the major leagues.  Few people, however, know that professional football – the NFL – also has a minor league.  It’s called the University of Florida.

I once knew a guy that entered the University of Florida directly out of high school and did not graduate until he was 35 years old.  THIRTY-FIVE!!  He told me he just couldn’t make up his mind what he wanted to do once he finally graduated.  I told him “Ever think about collecting Social Security?”

The University of Florida is perennially selected as one of the biggest “party schools” in the country.  It’s kind of like Woodstock, except they offer bachelor degrees.  But sex, drugs, and rock & roll are not always bad things.  Gainesville, Florida, the home of the University of Florida, reports that, since the founding of the University, the prostitution rate in Gainesville has fallen to near zero.

And, that’s all I have to say about that.

Shambo