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Let me say this about that.

OK, I’m an old guy – and –  I’m a sports fan.  Not just spectator sports, you understand, but participation sports as well.  There are a whole host of sporting opportunities out there for old guys, especially for guys that are a bit portly, such as myself.  I must admit, however, that I am not skilled in any of these activities.  I probably never will be because I still don’t understand the basics of these games.

Take softball, for example.  I’ve played my share of softball and the best I can understand is that softball is just like baseball – except for drunk people.  That’s why the pitcher gently tosses the ball underhanded to the batter.  It also explains why…    the balls are so much bigger.  No batter, having gnawed the bottom out of a box of Budweiser, can see the Goodyear blimp overhead, let alone a ball thrown at him at 85mph.  Nobody likes to play shortstop or second base on a softball team because their beers are always getting knocked over by that pesky ball, or some lard-ass waddling around the bases.

Then there’s golf.  I believe I have discovered the ‘essense’ of the game of golf – it is played by people with low self-esteem.  There is no way a normal human being can play a round of golf and come away feeling better about himself.

“Geez Ralph, you look like hell.  Is something bothering you?”

“Well Burt, you see I just played a round of golf.”

“Ralph, you poor bastard.  Let me get you a shot of tequila and Dr. Kevorkian’s phone number.”

I don’t play golf anymore.  You see I’m married, and as a result, I don’t need to play a round of golf to be reminded of my inadequacies.

I never got into tennis at all.  There is just something off-kilter about a game played with fuzzy balls. It could explain why it’s a favorite pastime of the lesbian community, but I won’t go there.  Why are the balls fuzzy anyway?  No other sport is played with fuzzy balls.  Baseball – smooth, bowling – smooth, golf – smooth, soccer - smooth, tennis – fuzzy.  But, the fuzzy ball mystery is not the real reason I never took up tennis.  Tennis you see, is played with a racquet (although it makes no noise) that is constructed with ‘cat gut’.  Now I’m no fan of cats, but cat disembowelment is not an activity I want to condone.

Pool is an interesting game, although it has some eccentricities like most other sports.  It’s played with a long stick that is sharp on one end and blunt on the other.  For some curious reason, you are supposed the strike the pool ball with the sharp end of the stick, when the blunt end would make it so much easier.  There is also this white powdery substance, called ‘chalk’ that you rub on your hands to ease the friction between your hands and the stick.  It makes a helluva mess though, so I started using Vaseline.  You should see these guys at the pool hall when I whip-out my jar of Vaseline – really freaks them out.

But, like a lot of sports, pool can be a bit discriminatory.  For example, when is the last time you heard of a midget pool hustler?

And, that’s all I have to say about that.

Shambo