English for Brits
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Let me say this about that.
My wife and I were in London last year for a short vacation. To avoid traffic, we took the subway downtown for a little sightseeing. While waiting on the subway platform, I was approached by a uniformed policeman who gave me a stern warning:
Cop:Â “Sir, you are forbidden to light-up your fag on the tube!”
Shambo: “Whoa, there Nigel. I have no intention of doing anything with any fag – let alone lighting him up by his tube!”
You can imagine my embarassment when I later learned that the cop was referring to smoking a cigarette on the subway. My bad. But the Brits have some expressions that make no sense to me.
When we returned to the States, it occurred to me that Americans also have some rather mystifying expressions. So, in the interest of international harmony, I decided to educate our British friends on the background, and meaning of several common American expressions.
“Can’t hit a bull in the butt with a base fiddle”:  This expression comes from American baseball and describes…   poor hitting ability. However, over the millennia, I’m sure it has been tried (literally) due to the ready availability of the four ingrediants needed to test this assertion – a bull, a base fiddle, some guys, and beer.
Gomer: “Be real quiet, Joe Bob, we don’t want this big sucker to hear us coming”.
Joe Bob: “OK Gomer, grab the neck of this here base fiddle, and let’er rip”.
THWAAAAAP!!!!
Bull:Â Jump – kick – gore – stomp – bite – snort – in general, reduce Gomer to stew.
Base Fiddle:Â Break – snap – crush – mangle – thwang.
Gomer: “Joe Bob, get this big sonofabitch off me. Heeelp!”
Joe Bob: “I’m outta here. When you get outta the hospital, maybe we’ll try to put some lipstick on a pig.”
Then, there are some American expressions that defy all logic:
“There is more than one way to skin a cat”: First of all, I cannot fathom what set of circumstances would have to occur that would necessitate someone to conceive of a 2nd way to skin a cat. There may be many ways to do it, I suppose, but only one ‘right way’. And, since I am no fan of the feline members of the animal kingdom, I decided the best way to skin a cat is with a chain saw.
“Busier than a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest”:  Personally, I have never attended an ass-kicking contest, especially one that was designed for our one-legged brothers. But the mental image is so funny, that I would pay big bucks to see one. I think the Special Olympics folks are really missing the boat on this one.
American expressions are difficult enough to understand when there is only one interpretation, but some of them are double entendres (note: for those of you with Masters Degrees from the University of Alabama, this means the expression has two meanings).
“Hunt-n-pecker”:Â This refers to either, a secretary with poor typing skills – or – a recently divorced woman sitting in a singles bar.
And, that’s all I have to say about that.
Shambo
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well..