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Let me say this about that.

America is wallpapered in warning labels.  A guy from another planet could beam-down to Earth and be forgiven if he believed that doing anything on this planet could be hazardous to one’s health.  The really silly part of this ‘lawyer-propagated’ blemish on our culture is that we are ‘warned’ about all the wrong things.

Any fool knows that smoking can kill you, shooting-up heroin can kill you, swallowing a bottle of sleeping pills can kill you.  Yet, despite all the warnings, people still indulge in these potentially fatal activities.  Strangely, some of the most hazardous products contain no warning at all.  For example:

LAND MINES:   “Warning.  The specified use of this product is to remove your desire to be in the area.  Failure to heed this warning may result in the separation of your dumb ass from your torso.”

Those omissions aside, we really don’t need warnings about the obvious stuff.  We need warnings for…    dangerous things that are not obvious.  Warnings that would actually be useful.  May I offer a few suggestions?

FERTILITY CLINICS:   “Warning.  Conception is a leading cause of children.  Excess exposure to children can result in insomnia, loss of a sense of humor, and high auto insurance rates.  Chances of financial ruin are enhanced if your child spends $200,000 of your money on a liberal arts degree in an attempt to secure a series of part time jobs in the food service industry.”

LIBERAL ARTS DEGREE DIPLOMAS:   “Warning.  The issuance of a liberal arts bachelors degree to the person named on the front of this diploma does NOT exempt this person from acquiring a food service health card, or taking the real estate license exam.”

AIRLINE EMPLOYEES:   “Warning.  The airline employee wearing this identification badge is superfluous and really pissed-off about it.”

DEPARTMENT OF MOTOR VEHICLES:   “Warning.  Upon entering these premises, you will immediately stand in the wrong line.  After standing in the wrong line for a time equal to the life span of a Peruvian Yak, you will be directed to another wrong line.”

GOLF CLUBS:   “Warning.  Tests of this product have shown that even occasional use can lead to intellectual derangement, hysteria, neurosis, loss of ability to add even a simple column of numbers and an acute desire for alcohol.”

NEWSPAPERS:   “Warning.  The content of this newspaper is formulated using the purest form of crap.  Under no circumstances is the gibberish contained in this rag to be taken as fact-based.  The contributors acknowledge the best use of the fruits of their labor is temporary carpeting for bird cages or as packaging material for fish.”

Sometimes, no matter how many warnings are issued, people are going to proceed as if there are no dangers.  What we need in these cases is a written acknowledgement of the danger to be signed before the person is allowed to proceed.  Two examples may illustrate:

BASEBALL CAPS:   “I acknowledge that I am a black male under the age of thirty, and I understand that positioning this baseball cap into any orientation other than BILL FORWARD, will remove 50 points off my perceived IQ.”

TEQUILA:   “I acknowledge I am about to do something stupid.”

And, that’s all I have to say about that.

Shambo