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Let me say this about that.

Seems that in America we’ll do just about anything to get out of a day’s work.  In order to soothe our guilt trip for being lazy, we have invented “holidays”.  Our logic is that somehow it would be sacreligious, unpatriotic, or disrespectful to actually go to work on these days that mark important dates in our culture.  We are virtually forced to observe important benchmarks in our culture marked by skipping work on such holidays such as:  Groundhog Day  -  Valentine’s Day  -  Arbor Day  -  April Fool’s Day  -  Secretary’s Day.  You don’t get these days off?  Go to any government office on these days to find out who does.

If we are going to let American employees off work 10 or 15 days a year to observe such artificial crap , I say let’s commemorate something really important instead - something really important to us personally.  I will now grace all my LMSTAT readers with…    the “Shambo List of New Holidays”.   This is the list I would choose, personally, but would welcome any additions or changes you may suggest.

First of all, I would retain only four of the most vitally important current holidays:  Christmas, Thanksgiving, Memorial Day, and St. Patrick’s Day.  The deep cultural importance of these holiday’s goes unchallenged, while the rest don’t measure up to my high standard.  In addition to these 4, I would declare a new holiday in remembrance to several critically important dates in life.

1)  “THE FIRST TIME YOU GOT LAID DAY”:   Oh, I can hear the tongues wagging already.  “Shambo has no couth, he’s being coarse again, his mind is stuck in the gutter, yada, yada, yada.”  But, take this little test, dear readers.  How many of you remember the first time you got laid, versus, oh say, the exact date of Arbor Day?  The specific date on which this momentous occasion occurred could not, of course, be observed on the ‘actual’ date, as both my wife and I lied about being virgins when we got married. 

2)  “THE FIRST TIME YOU GOT DRUNK AND DIDN’T PUKE DAY”:   Now here is a ‘rite-of passage’  for the All American teenager.  It would have been poetic if this day coincided with St. Patrick’s Day, but I don’t ever recall celebrating St. Patrick’s Day when I did not put on a hurling exhibition sometime during the event.

3)  “MY GIRLFRIEND JUST WENT ON THE PILL DAY”:   HooooBoy!  If there was ever a holiday that could beat the crap out of Christmas, this is it!   They say that Christmas comes but once a year, but after “My Girlfriend Just Went On The Pill Day”, well, you get the idea.

4)  “I FINALLY PAID OFF MY CAR DAY”:  WOW!  I remember this occasion with more joy than my own birthday.  It was like you had a car, AND, you just got a fat raise.  However, in order to observe this new holiday, you must actually have paid off a car loan.  If you’ve never done that, then you don’t need to be taking any days off.  Now get your ass back to work.

And, that’s all I have to say about that.

Shambo