photobucket

Let me say this about that.

In 1973, Paul Simon recorded the song “Kodachrome” that contained the lyric, ‘When I think back on all the crap I learned in high school, it’s a wonder I can think at all.’  Amen, Brother Simon.  The older I get, the truer this becomes.  And it’s not just the stuff from high school, it’s most of the crap we were taught as kids.  Regrettably, I see the same old jargon being passed down to the kids of today.  If it’s not too late already, I propose we update some of these old axioms before today’s generation of kids become a addled as we were.  Here are a few old sayings I would update:…   

“An apple a day, keeps the doctor away.”

This one should be updated to be more relavent to today’s world by reading:

“No insurance to pay, keeps the doctor away.”

How about this old adage:

“A penny saved is a penny earned.”

Updated to read:

“A penny saved is a penny earned.  But a penny earned is a penny taxed.”

This one was a favorite of my grandmother:

“A stitch in time, saves nine.”

A modification more relevant to today’s world might be:

“A stitch in time, requires a three hour wait in the emergency room.”

If there were ever an old adage that needed to be updated, this is it:

“All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.”

The  modern version would read:

“All work and no play makes Jack a very small minority.”

One more of my Grannie’s favorites:

“A watched pot never boils.”

It’s modernized with this slight modification:

“A watched pot means your cable is out.”

A dramatic decrease in the education level of today’s high school kids requires a significant change to update the old proverb:

“A person is known by the company he keeps.”

The modern version would read:

“A person is known by the name on the Burger King badge he wears.”

New management theory in capitalist countries demanded a modification of one of the most famous of all dictums:

“Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today.”

A new version might look like this:

“Never put off until tomorrow what you can pawn-off on the ‘new guy’ today.”

Some old axioms are just too goofy to update and should be abolished all together.  For example:

“Never look a gift horse in the mouth.”

Where in the hell did this come from?  I know what a horse is; I know what a gift is; and I know what a mouth is.  But what is a ‘gift horse mouth’ ?  No clue.  I suggest changing this saying to: 

“Never sing to a wet mule on Thursday.”

Today’s politically correct environment demands new interpretation and amplified sensitivity for a few ancient  proverbs such as:

“The pot calling the kettle black.”

Must be changed to:

“We don’t use the term ‘black’ anymore.”

Our hardworking parents taught their kids that:

“The early bird gets the worm.”

But today’s kids seem more akin to worms than birds.  Maybe modern interpretation might rotate this adage to the worms point of view:

“The early bird gets the worm.  So a worm who is perpetually late avoids those nasty birds and has all the traits of a good postal worker.”

And, that’s all I have to say about that.

Shambo