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Let me say this about that.

You may not believe this, but there are actually stores in the United States that sell totally worthless crap.  I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP!  If you are a guy, it’s inconceivable that there can be a business that makes a profit by selling objects which have no purpose.  I’m not talking about cheap stuff here either.  I’m talking about worthless crap with price tags that require a second mortgage.  Let me give you a couple of examples just so you don’t think I’ve been smoking crack.

The Mecca of business enterprises selling worthless crap is Bed, Bath, and Beyond.  These guys are the 800 pound gorillas of paraphernalia that occupies space, but doesn’t do anything else.  For example:

Log Home Dog House – $250.00:  It’s just what it says folks – a log cabin for a dog.  WRONG !  I’ll be damned if I’m…    going to buy Rover a weekend place while I’m stuck at home mowing the yard.

Mailbox – $190.00:  Now this one is a little complicated.  OK, it’s a BOX, in which you get MAIL.  My God, what will they think of next.  A house, just slightly less expensive than Rover’s weekend place, where your mail can live until you move it into the dump that you live in.

Toaster – $200.00:  It toasts bread.  That explanation would bring total disbelief for a device that costs $200.00, so I’m going to help the B,B & B marketing guys out with a better description…..”A house, slightly more expensive than your mailbox, where your bread can get a tan.”

Another enterprise selling material that will have more value in the recycle bin than it’s current form, is Sharper Image.  There are two product offerings that particularly caught my eye.  Being a practical man, it is unclear how I managed this long without both.  They are:

Robotic Baby Dinosaur – $330.00:  Just when you think you have every tool in the Home Depot inventory, you find that somehow, you overlooked a Baby Dinosaur from Sharper Image.  The fact that it costs more than a riding lawnmower should not minimize the necessity of owning this ubiquitous device.

Talking Meat Thermometer – $85.00:   The leading edge of technology.  This is no ordinary meat thermometer that requires you to, with great difficulty, actually look at it to read the temperature of the meat on your grill.  No sir, for the price of an airline ticket from Miami to Atlanta, you can have a meat thermometer that allows you to step away from your grill – up to 100 feet -  and be secure in the knowledge that if your meat is being overcooked, it will loudly proclaim:  “Yo, dickhead, you’re burning the chicken.”

Pier One Imports ….. simply saying the name of this place sends most guys into a catatonic stupor.  For years, I scheduled root canals, kidney stone removals, and prostate exams on the days my wife asked me to drive her to Pier One Imports.  This worked for years until I ran out of body parts I could safely remove.  At that point, I was forced at gunpoint to enter this ‘hall-of-the-damned’  to purchase a few indispensable items.  One of which was a pair of scissors shaped like a woodpecker.  Woodpecker Scissors.  You can’t make this stuff up.

And, that’s all I have to say about that.

Shambo