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Let me say this about that.

I hate to complain, but isn’t life complicated enough without all the worthless crap we’re exposed to every day?  How many of us have experienced the annoying sound of a car alarm blasting away with no one lifting a finger to investigate?  Has there EVER been a car alarm that has actually attracted a cop?  Car alarms are like Kryptonite to cops. 

And what about airline safety cards?  You know, those little plasticized cards stuck into the back-of-the-seat pockets on airplanes that advise you what to do in case of an emergency.  The instructions on these cards are full of ‘airline-speak’ such as “water landing” and “unlikely events”.  I don’t know about you, but if I’m on a plane about to crash, doing a little light reading is…    at the bottom of my priority list.  For once, I would like to see realistic instructions on these cards:

“Welcome to Gonnafukya Airlines.  In case of a crash, it really doesn’t matter what position your seat backs and tray tables are in.  If there is a fire, you’re going to want to panic and get the hell out of here.  If the aircraft loses power, it has the flight characteristics of a watermelon, so we recommend you bend over as far as you can and kiss your sweet ass goodbye.”

Does anything contain more useless crap than a traffic report? 

“We’re here in the WHIZ traffic helicopter for our 8:00am update and it looks like traffic is heavy.  Yes Bob, it looks like we are experiencing the same phenomenon as yesterday when everyone, inexplicably, left for work at the same time.  Stay tuned for our 5:00pm update where we expect the same, only in the other direction.  Now back to Bob in our studios.”

If there is a national icon for worthless crap, it’s the ‘Fruit Cake’.  There are tens of millions of these things given away each year around Christmas time, but no record of anyone actually eating one.  There is little wonder if you have ever cut a slice of fruit cake.  The cross-section is riddled with little red, green and yellow blisters, punctuated with brown lumpy objects reminiscent of bugs on a windshield.   If you have ever seen your dog puke, the resultant bio-mass looks a lot like fruit cake.  Fruit cakes have the density of bowling balls and many are older than Egyptian mummies. 

I was recently informed that “TV Guide” is still in business.  I have just one question:  WHY?  Every satellite service has a program guide.  Every cable service has a guide.  Every daily newspaper has a program guide.  And every Saturday, they even publish the the upcoming program guide for the subsequent week, just like…….”TV Guide” !  Why is this company still in business?  I’ll bet their real business is carpeting for bird cages.

And finally, the ultimate in worthless crap.  At the drive-up ATM at my bank, the machine, of course, is located on the driver’s side of the car.  There is the normal keyboard used to request withdrawals and instructions at various locations on the face of the ATM as to how to perform a number of other transactions.  The keyboard and instructions are written in English, but are also listed in another alphabet …… BRAILLE !!!!  Worthless crap.

And, that’s all I have to say about that.

Shambo