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Let me say this about.

There are many things in this life that I don’t care for.  Things that have absolutely no redeeming value.  Things that do not contribute to the advancement of society and actively degrade the human experience.  Things that are irritating, exasperating and vexatious.  Things like athlete’s foot, car alarms, pressing #1 if I want English, ‘reality’ shows, and  irritable bowel syndrome.  However, all these tormenting, aggravating, and odious conditions pale when compared to the most demonic and diabolical scourge ever unleashed upon the human race ….. New Yorkers. 

“Why are there New Yorkers?” …… can be answered by a series of additional questions.  For example:  Why is there cancer?  Why is there al Qaeda?   Why is there Paris Hilton?  Why is there irritable bowel syndrome?  The answer is the same for all …… I just don’t know what it is.

New Yorkers all have a common trait, which makes them easy to identify………….  If it’s talking, it’s a New Yorker.

New Yorkers simply cannot shut up.  They don’t  know diddly-squat about…    anything – except how great they think life is in New York – but they profess expertise in all matter of  life’s great mysteries.  I’ll give you an example of typical New Yorker behavior, while talking at the top of her lungs, as I sat at the next table having lunch in a quiet, gentile Thai restaurant:

New Yorker Bimbo:  “I told Irving today that I like to go to Thai resturants even though I really don’t like spicy food because it gives me gas, but I really think Lois has a great remedy that involves holding your breath while eating cucumbers which she learned from her therapist while she was pouring out her soul about that problem she has with the lawn boy after she tried to help him with a work visa problem during last year’s Hanukkah celebration in the Poconos and her husband quit his job at Citibank and flew off to India to see if he could start a new career as a vegetarian Guru before ……”

Shambo:  “Lady, can you just pleeeeeeze,  FUT THE SHUCK UP?  I’m trying to eat here.”

I must admit New Yorkers have one redeeming contribution to life on planet Earth, and to be fair, I am compelled to grant them credit for this one gift.  All plant life on Earth requires carbon dioxide to live.  Human beings inhale oxygen and exhale carbon dioxide when they speak.  As long as there are New Yorkers, there will be healthy plant life here on Earth.

But, can there possibly be anything worse than New Yorkers?  Well sorry, but yeah there is …..  “New Jersey-ers”.  (Oh, don’t give me any crap about nomenclature.  What else are you going to call these assholes?).  New Jersey-ers are New Yorker ‘wannabes’.  They are so lame they actually think New Yorkers are cool.  If New York had a trailer park, it would be New Jersey.  Not a trailer park IN New Jersey, it would BE New Jersey.

I really don’t know what we can do about the spread of New Yorkers.  These  damn ‘things’ seem to be able to reproduce and spread faster than cockroaches.  I have heard, however, that the U.S. government is transferring all the terrorists out of Guantanamo Bay and may close the place.  What if we took all the New Yorkers and their trailer-trash buddies from New Jersey, put them all on a boat and ………. I’m not locked into the idea, I’m just saying …….

And, that’s all I have to say about that.

Shambo