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Let me say this about that.

I reached my sixtieth year before I had one of the greatest epiphanies of my life.  To wit: It is the life’s work of every man’s wife to discover creative ways to piss-away money.  OK - OK, I have, in just two short sentences, succeeded in alienating every woman reading this article.  But, I’ll bet the testosterone-bearing crowd is smiling and secretly  muttering under their breadth …. “Shambo, you’re probably going to die a painful death at the hands of Mrs. Shambo very soon, but we’ve got to give you a big AMEN on this one !!”

To continue digging the hole I have already dug for myself, I must…    add that I will present quantitative evidence to support my hypothesis, even though using logic to re-shape the opinion of my resident female unit is tantamount to using a spoon to empty Lake Michigan.

Exhibit #1:  POTPOURRI:  Yes, dear LMSTAT readers, the love of my life has actually exchanged some of my retirement funds for a bag of potpourri.  If you happen to be a normal, logical, and productive male, I must explain what “potpourri” is.  Imagine a small cellophane bag of tree bark and lawn clippings, that smells vaguely like a urinal deodorant block, and costs $8.  Voila’ – potpourri.  I’m still a little vague about the compelling use of this material – especially given that, pound-for-pound, it is more expensive than lobster.  I’m told by the technical analysists working at “Pier 1 Imports” that potpourri adds “grace” to the home.  Frankly, I would prefer the lobster add “grace” to my butter sauce.

Exhibit # 2:  BATH SALTS:  If you go into your ‘Guest Bathroom’, chances are that your wife has stocked it with a clear glass container filled with a material that looks a lot like blue sand.  Surprise – it’s “bath salts”.  First, let me caution you that this material is NOT to be used.  It literally has no use.  It just sits there.  You would think that material with no use would be free, but it’s actually quiet expensive.  Thus, the appeal to wives.  I actually looked-up “bath salts” on Wikipedia and it was explained that bath salts “improves the experience of bathing.”   I’m a little fuzzy about how that works while I’m in the shower and the blue crap just sits in the jar.

Exhibit # 3:  DECORATIVE DISHES:  You poor simple boob.  You actually thought a dish is something that is used to serve your dinner.  If it were up to me, I would grant a PhD degree in “Logic”  if the student could answer one simple question:

PhD Final Exam:  “Explain the purpose of an expensive wooden cabinet used to house expensive dishes from which you are forbidden to eat.”

PhD Final Exam – question for extra credit:  “Explain why only ‘married’ women are compelled to own dishes from which you are forbidden to eat.” 

Exhibit # 4:  GARDEN GNOMES:  It is unbelievable to me that any sane person could be duped into forking-over hard currency for a statue of a midget in a pointy hat.  One would also think that if by chance some mentally deranged person (or someone’s wife) was actually convinced to buy one of these worthless pieces of crap, that they would have to good manners to hid it in the basement.  But nooooo.  It must be displayed openly in your yard.  And these little bastards ain’t cheap.  You can have your choice – a garden gnome or a ’93 Suburu.

So, one day soon when I am forced to declare bankruptcy, I can  hold a yard sale the size of Nebraska and maybe raise $13 or $14 to see me through my golden years.

And, that’s all I have to say about that.

Shambo