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Let me say this about that.

Last week, I wrote a blog about fine wines that cost under $20.  I included the  ‘under $20′ metric because the wine industry is rife with product intended to create the illusion of quality through inflated price.  In truth, it is rare that a wine costing $20 has a noticeable difference in taste to a layman, from a wine costing $120.  But, since wine distributors offer their libations at a ridiculously wide range of prices, no discussion of wine quality can be conducted without the biasing adjectives of ‘price’.  Sad, really.

Not so for beer.

Beer.  Nectar of the gods.  Libation to the masses.  Barf-inducing barley-pop.  Getting fat guys laid for 500 years. 

On a hot day, there is simply nothing better than a cold beer.  On a hot date, there is simply nothing more effective on teenage girls.  During a hotly contested athletic event, nothing beats a cold brewski to celebrate victory, or drown the agony of defeat.  While eating a hot dog,…    there’s nothing …… well, you get my point.  And, all for a buck or two per beer.  In other words, the quality of beer can be judged without the distorting bias of ‘price’.

God bless America.  There is still something in life we can enjoy without asking how much it costs.

In researching this article, I stumbled across – oh, a couple of hundred – web sites that purported to list the world’s best beers.  Regrettably, these lists of the so-called ’100 best beers in the world’  consist largely of the product of obscure boutique breweries and are not largely accessible to average Joe Sixpack guys like us.  So, as is usually the case with ‘knowledge’ obtained through the internet, I discarded it and substituted my own experience.  Therefore, based on over 1/2 century of personal research, I give you the top five crappiest beers and the top five best beers that are reasonably available to average American guys:

TOP FIVE WORST BEERS (in ‘getting worser’ order):

5)  Corona:  Only a Mexican could invent a decent beer and then stick a lime in it.  But what do you expect from guys that put worms in their Tequila.  EARTH-TO-MEXICO: “Stop putting crap in your booze!!”

4)  Guinness Stout:  This is the premier product exported from Ireland – scary.  Drinking a Guinness is a similar experience to drinking a glass of  ‘Mrs. Butterworth’ – except it’s bitter.  And if that were not disgusting enough, this ‘fluid’ is served warm.

3)  Budweiser:  Budweiser is proof that if you put enough big-titted women in your commercials, American guys will drink anything.  Budweiser makes great baseball caps, but really crappy beer.

2)  Red Stripe:  Red Stripe is beer brewed in Jamaica.  Since there are no wheat or barley farms in Jamaica, one wonders what they put in the stuff.  There are, however, many farms that grow pot.  It all makes perfect sense – you have to be stoned to drink this crap.

1)  Iron City:  Iron City Beer, is undoubtedly, the worst thing I have ever put in my mouth (while that may not be literally true, it is all I can admit to without severe legal implications).  Put an old horseshoe in your mouth and suck on it for an hour.  That’s what Iron City Beer tastes like.

Really great beers are not easy to find in the U.S.  We are constantly told that we are fat and shouldn’t drink beer at all.  Somehow, adding the word “Light” to a beer seems to make all our guilt go away.  Regrettably, along with the taste.  So, if you want a really great tasting beer – served along with a little guilt – try one of these:

TOP FIVE BEST BEERS (in ‘getting bester’ order):

5)  Asahi:  This is an excellent beer originally brewed in Japan.  Though not as big a seller in Japan or the U.S. as the giant Sapporo Beer, it has the thirst-quenching properties that we Americans enjoy, without being watered down.

4)  Becks:  Becks Beer comes from the Mecca of all beer brewing – the Bavarian region of Germany.  Beer making in Bavaria is a religious pursuit and the quality shows.  If you want to visit “Beer Heaven” sometime, go to Oktoberfest some year in Munich and visit the Beck’s tent.  Totally awesome!

3)  San Miguel:  The original San Miguel brewery is still making beer in the Philippines.  The Filipinos aren’t known for being rocket-scientists, but they make one of the best beers in the world – rivalling the German masters.  A little hard to find in the U.S., but worth the hunt.

2)  Helles:  Helles is a German word translated roughly in to “Light”.  But don’t mistake this for a German version of Bud Light.  This is a full bodied, thirst quenching, buzz-generating concoction that is as good as it gets for serious beer drinkers.  Very difficult to find in the U.S., and is usually in draft form when you do.

1)  The Next One:   Let’s be honest fellows.  Part of being a beer drinker is our absolute disdain for snobbery.  We can talk about the relative quality of different beers all day, but I have yet to see a serious beer drinker turn down any beer when it’s offered.  Yessir, the best beer in the world is the next one.

And, that’s all I have to say about that.

Shambo