Booger Retention Device

Let me say this about that.

By and large, we are an educated and intelligent society.  We have cognitive skills that allow us to figure out most of what we face in our everyday lives.  However, to be fair, there are a couple of general topics which defy logic, such as religion, politics, and women.  But these caveats aside, we do a pretty fair job of making sense out of most things.

That is why it is so disconcerting when we come across a situation that completely defies all understanding.  These situations are not necessarily part of  the Big 3 enigmas of religion, politics, and women, but are seemingly stand-alone circumstances that creep us out with their incongruity with the norm.  I offer the following examples.

Spitting baseball players:  What in God’s name is this all about?  Can’t we plop down in front of our TVs and watch a simple game of baseball without thirty or forty guys hocking loogies for three hours?  What is it about baseball that requires three acres of millionaires to constantly spit?  It rarely happens in any other sport.  WHY?  Can you imagine the finals at Wimbledon and the Williams sisters throw their heads back, and go…    “khkhkhkhkrrrreeeepp — PATOOIE”, and let one fly?

Black Guys and Baseball Caps:  There must be something about males in America if they are born black.  It’s got to be a DNA thing or something that prevents these gentlemen from wearing a baseball cap with the bill oriented in the forward position.  Think about it for a second. Have you EVER walked down the street and seen a black guy wearing a baseball cap that was not on backward, askew, inside out, cocked to one side, or a hundred other positions – except ‘bill forward’ ?  Can’t wait to see Obama at a baseball game.

Prostate Exams:  I’m not advocating forgoing caution with health matters in the aging male population.  Prostate cancer is a real concern.  My problem is with the process used to detect prostate problems.  After five hundred years of medical science, is sticking a finger up your ass the best medical procedure we can muster?  Where does all that research money go?  I would happily contribute to a medical center searching for a ‘finger-less’ prostate exam process.

Nose Rings:  Someone please help me with this phenomenon.  Exactly, who gets what out of this fad?  It’s about as attractive to look at as a horseshoe piercing a scrotum.  There nothing sexual about it (oh, please don’t tell me there is).  It has to present all manner of complexity when it comes to any situation involving boogers.  The only use I can fathom for a nose ring is that the little bastard’s Momma hangs them on the hook behind the bathroom door at night.

Women’s Shoes:  As long as women have feet, there will never be another Great Depression.  Women are going to buy shoes – no matter what.  FACT: Women’s shoes outnumber human beings on the planet Earth by 20 to 1.  FACT: The average pair of women’s shoes is worn three times.  FACT: The first pair of women’s shoes ever made is still in someone’s closet – somewhere.  FACT: Slutty women wear shiny black six-inch high heels while having sex.  (Well, I guess we can give them this one).

And, that’s all I have to say about that.

Shambo