"Free-range" chicken

Let me say this about that.

There are a number of things in this life that I find unpleasant.  Going to the dentist for a root canal is certainly one.  Standing in line at the driver’s license bureau also ranks in the top five.  Being forced to hold some slobbering newborn is certainly not my cup of tea.  And, infomercials of any genre make me want to hurl my lunch.  But if there is one thing that continues to make the number one spot on my “hate-to-do” list it is shopping at the local grocery store.

Grocery stores are not built to accommodate guys.  There is no order in the way items are displayed in the aisles.  In the grocery store nearest my house, vegetables are on aisle #1, wine is on aisle #2, and cereal is on aisle# 3.  Then comes pharmeceutical products, beans, then dog food.  How’s a guy to know where to go to find anything?  My wife simply shrugs off my frustration and tells me to ask a clerk.  Tried it once:

Shambo:  “Excuse me, young man.  Can you tell me where I can find the risotto?”

Store clerk:  “No me incomode que usted viejo pedo.”

Shambo:  “Got it.  Somewhere between the taco shells and the watermelon.”

So much for help from the ‘help’.  What grocery stores need is a “Dewey Decimal System” like they have in libraries.  Better yet, a…    stocking system like they have at AutoZone or Pep Boys auto parts.  You can go into any auto parts store and ask for an “idler pulley for a 1956 flat-head eight Ford Fairlane” and the guy has a new AND a rebuilt one on the counter before you can get the AMEX card out of your wallet.  As for the grocery store, Osama bin Laden could be hiding in there and you would never find him.

I am also convinced my wife has been brainwashed by grocery store advertising.  She actually believes that there are differences between two brands of salt.  Don’t even get me started on the other marketing ploys intended for the female logic.

Mrs. Shambo:  “Honey, don’t forget that I only want ‘free range chicken’ when you go to the store.”

What in the hell is ‘free range chicken’?  I don’t recall ever seeing anything on the Discovery Channel about “Chickenboys”  wrangling up herds of chickens on the open range and taking them to market.

Trail Boss:  “Keep a close eye out tonight, Slim.  I hear them Mexican bandidos are comin’ over the border tonight to rustle our chickens before we get a chance to brand ‘em.”

The latest scam perpetrated on the American housewife by the advertising industry is “organic” foods. 

Mrs. Shambo:  “And don’t forget the lettuce.  Make sure you get the ‘organic’ kind.”

Shambo:  “Honey, all lettuce is ‘organic’.  It’s grown in dirt.  It’s not cloned.  It’s not made with tofu.  It’s just lettuce.”

But, then again, I’m no match for Madison Avenue.

If you want to see Madison Avenue at it’s finest, go to the aisle for soap (located somewhere between baby food and turkey sausage).  Three hundred brands of dishwasher soap, hand soap, laundry detergent, baby soap, shampoo, facial cleansers, tooth paste, soap – soap – soap.  And every brand claims to have some special ingredient that revolutionizes …… soap.  But, I have know women that would switch from Catholicism to Islam before they would change brands of laundry detergent.

If any of you budding entrepreneurs out there want to start a grocery store chain based on the AutoZone model,  where all I have to do is walk up to the counter and ask for risotto, Shambo will be a life-long customer.

And, that’s all I have to say about that.

Shambo