Let me say this about that.

I was clicking through the satellite movie guide last night trying to find a decent movie to watch …. not much on worth watching.

CLICK – vampire movie, no 

CLICK - Star Trek XIII, no 

CLICK – vampire movie, no 

CLICK – foreign film, no 

CLICK – vampire movie, no 

CLICK - chick flick, Hell no 

CLICK – vampire movie, enough !

What the hell is going on with all these vampire movies?  Scheduled from 6:00pm through 8:00pm, there were eight different vampire movies.  Why the sudden interest in vampires, and why is it so interesting to watch some weirdo with bad dental work bite people on the neck?

Turns out, making movies about vampires is not a recent phenomenon.  I Googled ‘list of vampire movies in English’ and found a website that listed 2,250 vampire movies, dating back to the silent film days.  OVER TWO THOUSAND VAMPIRE MOVIES !!!  Jeez.

You can imagine with that many movies made about vampires, it becomes quite difficult to…    come up with a new story line.  I found several on this list of 2,000 vampire movies that were creative, but may not have made your local cinema.  These are real movies – you can check my facts:

Buffy the Vampire Slayer:  This 1992 movie about a high school cheerleader ‘chosen’ to slay vampires eventually morphed into a successful TV series.

Ankle Biters:  Released in 2002, this flick apparently features very short vampires.

Toothless Vampires:  Produced in Hong Kong, this 1987 release covers the obligatory theme of handicapped vampires (now don’t we all feel better about ourselves?).

Vampire Lesbian Kickboxers:  As was the case with handicapped vampires, there HAD to be a film that featured the alternate lifestyle set.  This one hit the theaters in 2002.

Blackula:  This 1972 movie featured a black vampire (a rarity these days) and began a frenzy of other ‘peoples’ discovering that vampires were also in their midst (Eskimos, Aborigines, midgets, and New Yorkers were among the first).

Bloodsucking Redneck Vampires:  A 2004 release featured fast cars, moonshine (vampires hate sunshine) and buxom ‘Daisey Mae’ types with crotch-hugging cutoffs.

Of course after a while, even the most creative screen writer is going to run out of ideas and must resort to topics that stretch the imagination. The following 1986 film did just that:

Pardon Me, But Your Teeth Are In My Neck:  You can’t make this stuff up.

There have also been numerous documentaries as well as vampire cartoons (featuring such stars as Micky Mouse, Scooby Doo, Porky Pig, Daffy Duck and the Little Mermaid).  But for creativity, the porn filmmakers are without peer.  I offer these titles without comment simply because when I found them on the list I was speechless.  Plus, the visual images invoked by the titles far surpass any humble description I could offer.  Listed by title and year of release:

“Buffy the Vampire Layer”  1996

“Dracula Sucks”  1987

“Ejacula I & II”  1992

“Ghouls Gone Wild”  2008

“Vampire Catholic School Girls From Hell”  2001

 

As you may have noticed, I have put a massive amount of effort into researching this article.  And, during that time, I believe I have uncovered a few overlooked facts regarding vampires in general and Count Dracula in particular.  To wit: All movies about Count Dracula features a well dressed gentleman in a garish suit and cape with black hair – apparently soaked in 10W-30 motor oil - and slicked back over his head. 

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Count Dracula was a Puerto Rican.

And, that’s all I have to say about that.

Shambo