Tiger Woods translated
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Let me say this about that.
Well, the ‘ol Tiger sure has had his troubles of late. Seems he has been ‘putting-the-wood’ to more than his drives off the tee. Even without much of a putting game, he does not appear to be having any problem finding the hole. In his latest ‘foursome’ he was the only one who knew how to play golf. Clearly, Woods has ended the question of who has the longest ‘stroke’ in the PGA. Regretably however, he has ‘layed-up’ in the rough in his latest ‘skins game.’
Sometimes, I just quack myself up.
The Tiger has gotten himself in a ‘melluva hess’. But the dude is such a narcissist that he actually believes he can ask the public to back off and forget all about this and they will do it because he is Tiger Woods. This guy must have the IQ of asparagus. As further evidence that he is no PhD candidate, he’s been hammering waitresses !! The man has earned over $1 billion playing a stupid game and he’s porkin’ the pancake server at IHOP. Hard to feel sorry for someone that stupid.
His latest gambit is a short confession published on his website saying he is sorry and “Puuuleeez,  would everybody just forget this thing ever happened and go back to loving me, just like you did before you found out I was such a douchebag.” Problem is, the wording of his confession is…   constructed of ‘weasel-words’ and very difficult to understand. So, in the interest of public service, I have translated his confession into English so you can fully understand where Tiger is coming from.
Tiger:Â “I regret those transgressions with all my heart.”
Translation:Â “I regret getting caught with all my heart.”
Tiger:Â “I have not been true to my values.”
Translation: “I have been true to my REAL values but got busted for getting ‘strange’ on-the-cheap because I am too stingy to hire a hooker.”
Tiger: “I am dealing with my behavior and personal failings behind closed doors with my family.”
Translation:Â “I can’t appear in public because my wife coldcocked me in the face with a sand-wedge.”
Tiger:Â “My family and I have been hounded to expose intimate details of our lives.”
Translation:Â “My family has no ‘intimate’ details to expose, but I have some really hot pictures I took with my cell phone, but you can’t see any of them.”
Tiger:Â “The stories that physical violence played any role in the car accident were utterly false and malicious.”
Translation:Â “Besides opening up a fresh can of ‘whoop-ass’ on me, my wife killed my car with a 3-iron.”
Tiger: “The virtue of privacy is one that must be protected in matters that are intimate and within one’s own  family.”
Translation: “Things got intimate, all right, but not within the family. But, I would appreciate you guys butting-out so I can get back to raking-in the millions.”
Tiger:Â “I will strive to be a better person and the husband and the father my family deserves.”
Translation: “I will hide-out for a couple of months until some other smuck gets caught playing ‘hide-the-sausage’ and takes the heat off me. At that point, you can be damn sure I’ll be carrying two cell phones, one for business and one for, well ….. pleasure”
Well, there you have it. Now you can make a much more informed decision about whether to continue to buy the overpriced junk Tiger Woods is hawking. Or whether any person deserves to make $125,000,000/year playing a game.
Oh, don’t worry, he’ll be back sooner or later. I can’t help but wonder, though, how the Tiger Woods gallery will be able keep from completely cracking-up when he drives the ball off the tee and some asshole in the crowd yells “Get in the hole!”
And, that’s all I have to say about that.
Shambo
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I love you. Save me a beach chair and a margarita.J often talks about how we “don’t use processed foods” when I cook. Um…I’m not grinding my own wheat and bleaching it. I do think, however, that many people have no clue what they’re putting in their bodies, including me.When I cook and we eat at home, we lose weight. I am anti low-fat and no sugar. What does this say about what we eat when out? Either there’s a whole lot more fat and other garbage in what we eat when out, or portions are wrong.I think both. Gah. This should be a rant for my own blog.
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