Wal Mart patron

(Please enjoy this LMSTAT Classic while Shambo enjoys the holidays)

Let me say this about that.

You know, I kinda like being an old fart.  The level of expectation for people of my seniority is so low, that we can say or do just about anything and get away with it.  Cops don’t hassle me anymore – ‘why bother, the old guy will be dead soon’.  My wife doesn’t bitch at me as much because she knows I’m not paying attention anyway.  It’s like a cloak of invincibility without the duties of a superhero.  It’s really kind of cool.

So, it is with the bravado of the invincible that I inform you that there are things you are doing out there that I don’t care for.  If I offend anyone, tough.  You really have little recourse ….  ’cause I’m an old fart.

“Women that drone-on about their grand-kids’ potty habits”:

You all have heard them.  “Oh, little Johnny made his first poo-poo in his little potty.”  “Oh, little Suzy is so cute when she goes pee-pee.”  WHAT IS THE BIG FREAKIN’ DEAL?!?!  There has never been a kid born – since the dawn of man – that did not eventually conquer the mystic process of taking a dump.  Grandma, nobody wants to hear about this.  Now, if you’ve got a 3-year old grandson that can do long division peeing in the snow, give me a call.

“Cats”:

At the risk of offending members of the feminine gender and the entire gay community, what’s up with you guys and cats?  Haven’t you guys figured out that cats are totally without any socially redeemable value?  They are taking up valuable space that could be used by dogs.  Ever seen a cat catch a Frisbee?  NO!  Ever seen a cat chase a stick into the water?  NO!  Ever seen a cat scare off a burglar with a vicious “Meow”?  NO! 

 ‘Cat People’ tell me that:  “Oh, they are so cute when they let me stroke their fur.”   BULLCRAP!!!   That is tantamount to me saying:  “Oh, I just love Obama because he lets me pay tax.”

“Wal-Mart”:

It’s not that I have anything against Wal-Mart, per se.  It’s just that they give all the ugly people in the world a place to meet.  And when ugly people meet, it’s easy to figure what’s coming next.  First thing you know, one of them is gonna screw the cap off a bottle of wine and let the in-breeding begin!!  The Wal-Mart parking lot has enabled more ugly babies to the planet’s population than cheap Tequila.

“Billy Mays Info-mercials”:

You have seen Billy Mays commercials.  He is that stocky guy with the big bushy beard that looks like it was colored with black boot polish.  He never speaks in a normal voice.  He screams at the camera while he attempts to sell us soap and weed-whackers.  Although Billy Mays died months ago, his annoying info-mercials are still on the air.  Billy …….. dude ……..you’re dead.   Now go over there someplace and lie down !!

“Aluminum baseball bats”:

No post-pubescent American male should ever be forced to play a game in which the dominant sound is “dink”.  It’s down right un-American.

And, that’s all I have to say about that.

Shambo