People of Walmart

Let me say this about that.

What is it about Walmart that attracts people?  Why do people flock there in droves?  Why do people go to Walmart without a clue as to what they are going to buy?  What is it about this American institution that is so attractive to so many diverse age groups, races, and socio-economic levels?  It’s one of the great mysteries of our time.

If you live in a small to medium-sized town, there is a Walmart near you.  They are as ubiquitous as Starbucks in shopping malls, fleas on a dog, Baptist churches in Georgia, hookers in Las Vegas, calories in french fries.  Well, you get my drift.  If you live in a small town where the nearest shopping mall is at least 50 miles away, chances are…    your neighborhood Walmart is actually a Super Walmart.

Super Walmarts are massive enterprises with their own zip codes.  Their employees are so numerous they are issued passports and granted citizenship in the Super Walmart.  I have heard rumors about a customer who went into one of these places – and never came out – only to be discovered years later living among the fruit trees in the garden center.

I know for a fact that an entire Indian tribe lives in the Super Walmart in Everglades City, Florida.  They have started their own casino in the electronics department and have a guy that wrestles alligators in an area right next to the deli.  This always made me a little leery of buying sandwich meat there because I’ve heard that sometimes the alligator wins.

If you are a redneck, going to Walmart is not an option.  Rednecks that don’t regularly visit their local Walmart are shunned by their neighbors as being antisocial troublemakers with probable ties to Al Qaeda.  Your standing in the community can be raised to the highest level if you show-up in the Walmart parking lot with a dead six-point buck strapped into the back of your pickup truck.  The only higher honor that could be bestowed would follow your mother’s confession that you were conceived on top of the leafy vegetable section of the produce department.

I must confess an ignorance of  ‘all-things-Walmart’ until I was educated by a cousin who lives in a small town in North Carolina.  He told me he goes to the local Super Walmart almost every day.

Shambo:  “Dude, why in the hell do you need to go to the Walmart every day?”

Cousin:  “To get stuff I need.”

Shambo:  “Stuff?  What stuff?  If you would just make a list of ‘stuff’ you need before you go, you wouldn’t have to go back every day.”

Cousin:  “Well, first of all I kinda like going to Walmart.  Plus, I usually don’t know what I need until I get there.”

Shambo:  “That’s the dumbest thing I ever heard.  Give me an example.  Tell me what you bought when you went to Walmart yesterday.”

Cousin:  “Oh, let me think.  I got a pair of welding gloves, a 5-gallon tub of lard, and a canoe.”

Recently, I ran across a website called “People of Walmart”.  It is waaaay  cool.  Apparently some folks take photos of other people when they shop at Walmart.  If they get a really good picture of a really interesting patron, the guys that run the site publish it on the web.  Check it out – you won’t believe it.  Now I go to Walmart just for the show.  I can’t believe they don’t have a cover charge – it’s that good.

All I can say is that here are some strange ‘mammy-jammers’ that shop at Walmart.

And, that’s all I have to say about that.

Shambo