This is the year the federal government conducts our constitutionally mandated census.  Tens of thousands of part-time workers will soon set about counting noses and asking all sorts of privacy-invading questions.  An interesting exercise for sure, but I am proposing an even more beneficial national measurement – a nationwide IQ test.

I believe it would much more beneficial to find out if Americans are getting smarter, rather than just getting more numerous.  But, developing a test for measuring the national intellect wouldn’t be easy, so I am giving the government a little head start by suggesting the following test. 

Please answer each of the following questions truthfully and add up your scores at the end of the test:

NATIONAL IQ TEST FOR AMERICANS…   

1)  The United States supreme court is currently considering a case in which the plaintiff is seeking the right to sue a doctor for malpractice.  The malpractice allegedly took place when the doctor was treating an individual who had been jailed for entering the country illegally.  Attorneys for the plaintiff claim their client’s constitutional rights were violated.   

Score 10 points if you believe that an individual entering the country illegally does not have constitutional rights.  Score 0 points if you think U.S. constitutional rights should be granted to citizens of all countries in the world, or if you are a lawyer, or if you’re just stupid.

2)  The Trijicon Corporation is a Michigan company that manufactures rifle sights for the U.S. military.  On each sight, the company has engraved a small coded message that spells out “2COR 4:6″.  Turns out that this message stands for “Second Corinthians, passage 4:6″, a Bible verse saying something about God commanding light to shine from darkness.  The U.S. military has ordered Trijicon to remove this coded message as it might offend the Islamic terrorists being fought in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Score 10 points if you believe anyone gives a rat’s ass about what is written on the gun that blows their head off.  Give yourself a score of 0 points if you believe it is OK to kill someone as long as you don’t offend them.

3)  Four U.S. airlines  have recently installed extra charges for “comfortable” seats ranging from $49 to $99 per flight.  Upon further examination these “comfortable” seats are existing seats on the “emergency exit” rows.

Score 10 points if you believe airline passengers should not be charged an extra $49 to be in position to be first off an aircraft in an emergency.  Score 0 points if you have masochistic tendencies and plan to continue to endure any new degradation the airline industry can dish out.

4)  In January of this year, the Supreme Court removed spending limits on corporate lobbying in political campaigns.  President Obama has expressed anger over the high court’s ruling and has vowed to prepare a ‘forceful response’ to their decision.

Score 10 points if you believe the Constitution holds a Supreme Court ‘decision’ as the final word on any subject and any response is a waste of air.  Score 0 points if you believe Obama’s “forceful response” will actually cause the Supreme Court to change it’s mind and that we will get better information on who to vote for from Oprah, The View, and Jesse Jackson than IBM, General Electric, and Wal Mart.

5)  A few days ago, it was announced that Buzz Aldrin would be a contestant on the next season of ‘Dancing With the Stars’.  Aldrin, the 80 year old astronaut who was the second man to walk on the moon, has denied that the Michael Jackson ‘moonwalk’ dance move will be a part of his act.

Score 10 points if you believe that one of the last bastions of real class in American heroes has just been flushed down the toilet by the egomaniacal Aldrin.  Score o points if you believe true American heroes should make fools of themselves among a bunch of day-time soap opera ‘C-listers’ and porno queens.

OK.  Time to add-up your scores.

If you scored between 40 and 50 points, you are among the declining percentage of Americans that can actually think.  We hope you run for elected office in the near future.  America needs you.

If you scored between 30 and 39 points, please don’t operate heavy machinery.  You rely on ‘Ann Landers’ and ‘The Psychic Hotline’ to guide your decision-making.  Try hard to hold onto your job at ‘The Chicken Shack’. 

If you scored less than 30 points, you have the intelligence of mustard and are taking up valuable space that could be better used to store compost.

And, that’s all I have to say about that.

Shambo