"LifeStyles" chart of penis size

Let me say this about that.

It’s a fairly simple formula.  Take a keg of beer, add a sunny day with no football on TV, mix liberally with a group of guys with too much time on their hands,  and you will eventually produce a discussion of penis size.  It’s a formula that has produced the same result since Cro-Magnon Man used penis size to determine the selection of the tribal chieftain.  I often wonder why this method isn’t still in use today.  However, with the election of our first black president, perhaps we have subconsciously reverted back to this process after all - but I digress.

The entire topic is fraught with myth, folklore and downright fabrication, to the point where the truth is nearly impossible to ascertain.  The only premise on which most guys have agreed involves two certainties…    1) bigger is better and 2) mine is bigger than yours.  However, comparative penis sizing is a lot like fishing.  If you have a big one, you like to show it off.  If you have a little one, you just lie about how big it is.

All men lie about the size of their penis – even the guys with the big ones.  It has always been thus.  (Note to the ladies: it’s a guy thing, you wouldn’t understand).  Regrettably, the only way to settle this debate is to employ, what men have always called “the-’ol-whip-it-out-method” – not advisable, considering the indecent exposure laws in most states.  Therefore, being a retired engineer, skilled in statistical methodology, and with the aforementioned ‘way-too-much-time-on-my-hands’, I volunteered to do some research and report back to my beer-guzzling buddies.

What I discovered was shocking !!

First of all, there must be 10,000 studies of penis size conducted over the last fifty years.  Problem is, almost none of them are valid because they employ the unreliable “self measuring” methodology (refer back to the ‘all men lie’ comment).  Secondly, in doing the research I find that women’s input on the subject is almost universally ignored.  Odd, considering agreement among men that ‘bigger is better’, simply because they believe women prefer ‘bigger’.  This has always fueled the assumption that the bigger one’s penis, the better the chance of getting laid – let alone the inherent advantage in the selection of a tribal chief.

But copious studies of sexual satisfaction among women document the fact that women don’t count penis ‘size’  (length) among the top five contributers to erotic pleasure.  The first mention of the male penis in achieving women’s sexual gratification is “girth” not “length”  (the traditional male definition of “size”). 

I discarded many of the ‘scientific studies’ as being too biased, but settled on one study conducted by the company that manufactures “LifeStyles”  condoms.  This study has a great deal of credibility, in my view, because it was conducted to determine the size of condoms they need to manufacture.  The profit motive always carries credibility.  According to their study, the average size (length) of the male penis is between 5.1 and 5.9 inches (see diagram).  Further, they found that the range of 4.2 inches to 7.5 inches covered 95% of the world’s male population.

The next surprise, produced by my research, is than neither race nor age (post puberty) effect penis size.  Further, there is no correlation of penis size with any other body part (hands, feet, or nose – debunking many widely held myths).

But now comes the BIG ONE.  According to scientists, the erect human male penis is larger than any other primate – both in relative size, and in absolute size – including the gorilla !!!  I found this to be mildly interesting – until I wondered how scientists were able to actually measure an erect gorilla penis.

Zookeeper:  OK guys, the research scientists at the University of Georgia have asked us to help document the size of the erect penis of the gorilla.  We were asked to participate because we have  “KONG” , a 600 pound lowland silverback gorilla, in our zoo.  OK fellows, everyone into the cage and let’s subdue this sucker.  Larry, you bring the tape measure.” 

Larry:  “Sir, he’s jumping around too much.  You’ve got thirty guys in the cage.  Can’t you hold him still?”

Zookeeper:  “OK fellas.  We’ve got him subdued.  Now hold him down real tight.  Larry, take out the tape measure and lets see how big this sucker is.”

Larry:   “But sir, he’s not ….. uh …. erect.”

Zookeeper:  “For god’s sake, Larry, you were a teenager once.  You know what to do.   We can’t hold this beast down forever !  Larry?  Larry?  Where the hell did Larry go?”

So, to answer the question …… “does penis size matter?”  Well, maybe - but mostly only to men. 

Now the next question is, when it comes to women’s breasts “….. does size really matter?”    (click here to find out)

And, that’s all I have to say about that.

Shambo