Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski

Let me say this about that.

“Ah-hem.  Ladies and gentlemen, please take your seats.”

“We appreciate you coming here on such short notice, but we have an announcement to make that could shake the very foundation of college basketball.  In their overtime defeat of Rhode Island University, the North Carolina Tar Heels have advanced to the finals of the NIT basketball championship game.  If victorious, North Carolina will become the only team – in the history of college basketball – to win the NCAA National Championship and the National Invitational Championship in back-to-back years.”

“Now, those of you who think this is GREAT news, you may applaud now.”

clap-clap-clap-clap-clap-clap

“Thank you.  Now those of you who think this is just ‘OK’ news, may now bend down and kiss your sister.”

smooch-smooch-smooch-smooch-smooch

“Thank you.  Now, all of you please form a line in front of our Star Trek Transporter Room, we will  try to get you back to the ‘Real World’ as soon as possible.”

This has been a strange season in college basketball - top ranked teams being upset – traditional powerhouse teams with losing records – coach firings by the dozen – and…    defending national champion, North Carolina, not even being invited to “The Big Dance.”

I have a cousin, Willy-Jack, who lives in North Carolina and is a HUGE North Carolina basketball fan.  Suffice to say, the man is having a difficult year.  His wife, Milly-Rack, has tried to get him into therapy ever since she caught him choking the dog after North Carolina lost their last game to hated in-state rival, Duke, and banished his beloved ‘Heels’ to the NIT.  The dog recovered nicely, but Milly is still sleeping with one eye open.

Apparently, a big part of being a North Carolina Tar Heel fan is an intense hatred of Duke.  It’s like a Yankees – Boston Red Sox kinda thing.  It transcends rivalry.  It resides deep in the DNA of all residents of North Carolina.  You  live in North Carolina, you are either a Duke fan or a Tar Heel fan.  There is no middle ground. 

In most criminal trials in North Carolina, the first question a defense lawyer will ask a prospective juror is: “Which is your favorite basketball team – Duke or North Carolina?”   This has been common practice ever since the “Great Homosexual Rape Case of 1954.”   In this trial, a Duke graduate was accused of homosexually assaulting a North Carolina grad.  Even in the face of meager and uncorroborated circumstancial evidence, a predominantly Tar Heel-sympothizing  jury found the Duke defendant guilty and recommended the death penalty.  As it turns out, the judge happened to be a graduate of Duke Law School and modified the conviction of “Sodomy”  to one of  “Following-Too-Close-Behind”  and referred the case to traffic court.

At the last family reunion, I asked Willy-Jack about his dislike of Duke:

Shambo:  “Ya know Cuz, this obsession with Duke  has gotten to the point where it’s just not healthy.  What is it that makes you hate these guys so much?”

Willy-Jack:  “It’s so simple, Ray Charles could see it.  Their coach IS the Devil.”

Shambo:  “OK, ‘splain it to me.”

Willy-Jack:  “OK.  First of all there is the name:  ‘K-R-Z-Y-Z-E-W-S-K-I’.  It’s gotta be alien.  That name will get you, like, a thousand points in a game of Scrabble.  It just ain’t right.”

Shambo:  “And?”

Willy-Jack:  “Then there are those beady little eyes.  Ever seen a human being who’s eyes are so close they actually touch each other?  NO!  He’s got Devil eyes.”

Shambo:  “Go on.”

Willy-Jack:  “Then there’s that squeaky little voice.  It’s like he can talk through his nose without moving his lips.  It sounds like someone stuck a cheese grater up a Screech Owl’s ass.”

Shambo:  “Are you finished?”

Willy-Jack:  “Oh, Hell no.  What about how he picks his players.  Coach Krzyzewski has five white guys on his starting team.  A basketball team without any black guys is downright un-American .  Ain’t there something in the ‘Emancipation Proclamation’ about that?”

Shambo:  “Don’t get yourself all worked up.  Why don’t we just take some time and relax.  How about going trout fishing or 18 holes of golf?  It’ll help you put things in perspective.”

Willy-Jack:  “Nah, don’t wanna do any of those things.”

Shambo:  “OK, what do you want to do?”

Willy-Jack:  “There is a Duke guy that lives down the road.  Let’s go over there tonight and choke his dog!”

And, that’s all I have to say about that.

Shambo