Too slow

Let me say this about that.

I enjoy sports.   My favorites are at the college level, especially baseball and football.  I also enjoy a broad range of other sports on a selective basis when it involves a classic event.  I’m not a die-hard fan of any of these sports but I do watch special events like the Kentucky Derby, the Indianapolis 500, the Super Bowl, the World Series, and the Masters. 

One thing I have learned is that some of these sports can only be enjoyed with the aid of TiVo.  Golf, for instance.  Golf is such a slow game that it requires the players to take a break halfway through the match so the grass can be mowed.  It’s excruciatingly, interminably, monotonously, tediously, immutably slow.  It’s like watching…    the tide change – you know there’s motion, but it is just too slow to see.

The rules of golf are partially to blame.  The first thing that happens it that a small ball is hit with a stick.  This takes about a second.  Then nothing much happens until the ball drops out of the air in the middle of a field, partially covered by trees and shrubs. There are also a few holes filled with sand plus a couple of small ponds placed about who’s purpose apparently is just to annoy the player.  The player then walks two or three hundred yards until he finds the ball.  Have you ever watched a guy walk two or three hundred yards on TV?  It’s about as exciting as watching a slug cross the road, except it takes longer.  It’s SLOW!!

The guy who invented the game of golf was from Scotland.  This speaks volumes about the judgement of the Scottish people because they are also the ones who invented the bagpipe and called it music. 

When the player finds his ball, there is a ritual that takes place for the selection of the next stick with which to hit the ball.  And there are a bunch to choose from.  Choosing the desired stick from the 14 that are available takes about the same amount of time as the ‘U.S. – Russian Nuclear Disarmament Agreement’.  The task is far too difficult for a single person to handle so the player consults a specialist – the guy who’s job it is to carry the bag of sticks.  The opinion of the ‘bag-carrier’ is held in high regard apparently because of all the skill and experience he has ….. carrying a bag.

Then there is the meteorological assessment.  The wind speed and direction is checked with the most precise instrument available to modern man – a clump of grass.  I’m not making this up.  The player plucks a few blades of grass from the ground and tosses them into the air.  Watching this process on TV is absolutely riveting!  I can’t tell you the number of times I have hit the ‘pause’ button and summoned Mrs. Shambo to stop what she’s doing to come and watch the drama of the ‘grass-toss’. 

With all rituals complete, the player hits the ball with the stick – again taking all of one second.  And the process is repeated until the ball is hit into a hole in the ground.  The player then takes off his baseball hat and waves to the crowd.  The crowd dutifully goes wild with cheers and applause.  Now, so far the real action has taken four or five seconds, but has required about fifteen minutes to complete. 

Now, do this seventeen more times. 

Watching golf on TV is so mind-numbing, it can turn a rabid weasel into a slobbering debilitated vegetable in a matter of minutes. Dentists with patients who are allergic to anesthesia, have been known to sedate them by watching golf on TV while they perform root canals.

As I said, TiVo is the only way to watch golf on TV.  With my TiVo machine, I have actually watched an entire round of golf at the Masters in 12 minutes.  An entire season can be condensed into an hour and a half.

After studying the game for a while I think I have discovered why the crowd always cheers and applauds when the player eventually gets the ball in the hole.  The are overjoyed that the whole thing is FINALLY over.

And, that’s all I have to say about that.

Shambo