Life lesson # 1

Let me say this about that.

Did you ever try to teach anything to a ten year-old boy? (you granddads out there can chime in any time).  I’ve tried it a few times, but I gotta tell ya, it’s completely beyond my skill set.  Oh, it’s not that I lack the education – I’ve done my time in Harvard grad school,  but the challenges one faces when trying to teach 10-year olds requires all lot more than a traditional education.  It can be exasperating.  I believe the ability to refrain from commiting murder when it is perfectly justified is a prerequisite skill.

First of all, you are dealing with a flawed and largley blank canvas when dealing with a 10-year old boy.  What have they learned so far in life?  Let’s see: boogers don’t taste so bad, farts are the funniest thing in the world, girls are much yuckier than frogs, and it is impossible to pee without spraying everything within a five foot radius – that about sums it up.

And, thus began the lessons in manhood for 10-year old Henry.  His Mom & Dad were off on a weekend trip and they had left Henry in my custody.  And, so it occurred to me, that initiating the ‘lessons-of-life’ for young Master Henry was just the job for…    UNCLE SHAMBO. 

Shambo:  “OK, Hank, today we are going to teach you some things that you will not learn in school, but are absolutely critical to your growth into manhood.  Are you ready to begin?”

Henry:  “Who’s Hank?”

Shambo:  “OK, maybe that’s a good place to start.  You see, when you get older, nobody calls you by your real name.  Hank is another way to say Henry.  Consider yourself lucky if ‘Hank’ sticks as your nick name rather than one like I got stuck with.”

Henry:  “What was your nick name, Uncle Shambo?”

Shambo:  ” ‘Pickle Butt’, but that’s a story for another time.  Let’s begin with some knowledge you will need in order to survive everyday life as you grow into a young man. I’m not talking about things like …. ‘what’s the capital of Wisconsin’ …. I’m talking about things that ‘guys’ need to know.”

Henry:  “Like what, Uncle Shambo?”

Shambo:  “Well, I guess the ultimate ‘guy thing’ is that eventually every guy  gives his penis a name.  And, like your nick-name Hank, if you don’t do it yourself, your buddies will do it and the name they pick will not be flattering.  So pick a name like ‘Johnson’ or ‘Dick’ or ‘Snake’, or something like that, understand?”

Henry:  “I want to name it the same name as your’s, Uncle Shambo.  What did you name your’s?”

Shambo:  “Willy the One-Eyed Wonder Worm.”

Henry:  “Got it.  What else do I need to know?”

Shambo:  “Oh, let’s see.  OK, I’ve got one.  You are going to hear about a bunch of people living in a place called  ‘Bum-F**k, Egypt’.  Just remember, there is no such place”.

Henry:  “Then where do they live?”

Shambo:  “Doesn’t matter.  Let’s move on.  If you hang around older kids, you are going to hear them talk about things they enjoy that sounds like cruelty to animals.  Don’t worry about it – no animals are being harmed.”

Henry:  “What things, Uncle Shambo.”

Shambo:  “Oh, things like ‘shooting squirrels, hunting beaver, choking chickens,and spanking monkeys’.  Just remember, no animals are being harmed – understand?”

Henry:  “Not really.  Why would anyone want to spank a monkey, anyway?”

Shambo:  “The answer will come to you in a flash in three or four years.  Let’s continue.  You may also hear about three guys named ‘Tom, Dick, and Harry’.  There are no such people.”

Henry:  “Oh, I get it now.  Tom, Dick and Harry live in ‘Bum-F**k, Egypt’, right?”

Shambo:  “Maybe, I don’t know.  It sounds like you have developed an interest in geography.”

Henry:  “Yeah, it’s pretty cool.  Did you hear about the man from Nantucket?”

Shambo:  “Oh boy, you’re killin’ me here, Hank.  Maybe we had better stick with the basics.  Have you ever tried to light a fart?”

And, that’s all  have to say about that.

Shambo