Nose Hair Removal Device

Let me say this about that.

To quote that great American philosopher – Yogi Berra - “The future ain’t what it used to be.”  Those of us who believe that you must invest your money in order to ensure a secure financial future have been taking a real beating the last few years.  The stock market has become less stable than Oprah’s waistline.  The real estate market in Afghanistan is in better shape than in America.  Banks are paying less than 1% interest on savings accounts and CD’s.

Just where is a safe, reliable, and profitable place to invest your savings, given that all the traditional avenues of investment are in the toilet?  This question is important to every middle aged citizen – but is downright compelling to all of us living on a fixed income (and by ‘fixed’, I mean fixed at ‘ZERO’ !!).

I decided that I shouldn’t bitch about this dilemma unless I have given my best effort to solve the problem. As such, I have constructed a few investment opportunities for those who are dissatisfied with the old traditional, non-performing investment schemes.  And, in no particular order, here they are…   

Rat Bacon:  OK, OK, just hear me out.  I realize the name needs a little work. Calling a product ‘Rat Bacon’ is like marketing ‘Sushi’ as ‘Cold Dead Fish.’  However, this product has a number of inherent advantages over regular bacon.  Rats are cleaner than pigs, they eat the same food as we do, and they have a gestation period shorter than  attention span of a 5-year old.  Ergo, never any shortage of rats, so no worries about your supply line.  The strips of rat bacon are much smaller, so not so many worries about cholesterol.  I could go on, but I don’t want to oversell the idea.

Nose Hair Removal Torch:  Women nowadays shave everything – legs, underarms, pubic hair, toes, and God knows what else.  Yet there remains that one little trouble spot that seems to have evaded even the most fastidious female shaver – nose hair !!!   Most women would rather be seen on ‘YouTube’ in a porno film with warthogs,  than seen in public with course black, bugger infused, hair protruding from her nose.  And yet, the solution is so simple – because it exists already !!! The solution?  Butane charcoal lighters !!  Simply stick the lighter up your nose, pull the trigger, and Voila !!! No more nose hair.

Hot Air Balloon Brakes:  At first, this appears to be a ridiculous idea. I mean, to begin with, the market has got to be really small.  Then there is a dilemma of how you stop something the size of a small condo that moves on the currents of the wind.  And how, exactly, does one activate the brakes to stop a hot air balloon?  All good questions, of course, but nothing that can’t be solved by our futuristic technology.  Our solution?  Ground-based rocket propelled grenades.  That’s right folks, a Bazooka.  There is nothing like a Bazooka to stop a hot air balloon in it’s tracks - problem solved.

Dog Condoms:  No real guy enjoys taking his beloved dog to the vet to ‘get-him-fixed’.  Let’s just put this out in the open in plain English …. they are gonna cut his balls off !!  Even the most heartless redneck takes no joy in having this done to his dog.  The solution – ‘ Dog Condoms’ !!  With dog condoms, ‘ol Rover is free to mount anything slower than he is, but with no worries that he is going to knock-up your neighbors schnauzer.  This product will be ready for market just as soon as we figure out how a dog can put on a condom without an opposable thumb.

And now, the investment opportunity of the year.

Dog Condom Applicator:   Oh, shut up.  You knew this was coming.  Dog condoms would sell for only 25 cents apiece.  Now, how much would you pay NOT to have to put them on your dog ?  Am I a marketing genius, or what?  I was hoping for a more elegant solution than the use of unemployed illegal aliens, but a technological solution has evaded me – even though the ‘illegal alien’ approach does  solve the opposable thumb problem.  But, what the hell?  Let’s go with this solution until someone comes up with a better idea ………  “Whoa Rover, what’s that you have there?  Hey, Carlos, got a second?” 

Happy investing !!.

And, that’s all I have to say about that