Filling pond - the stupid guy way

Let me say this about that.

In most U.S. cities, convicted sex offenders must register with the local authorities when they move into town.  People who like to spend other people’s money must register with state authorities as Democrats.  Convicted drug dealers are registered with the local DEA office and must check-in with parole officers weekly.  Guys who like to play with pre-adolescent boy’s tally-whackers, are registered as Catholic priests.

None of these social misfits, however, represent as much danger to the general public as the plain-’ol, garden variety ‘stupid guy’.  Stupid guys are all around us, but they are hard to spot. That is, until they do something stupid.  In an effort to do my part to improve the daily lives of Americans, I am proposing the creation of “Shambo’s Registry of Stupid Guys”  in order to help us identify these dummies and give them a wide berth. 

Qualification for registration is quite simple.  One must simply have a past record of doing stupid stuff.  Let me give you a couple of examples of types of activities that will result in instant qualification to be included into the ‘registry’.  In fact, I’ll give a personal example…   

A few days ago, I had to make a trip to the bank. Since I live in a tiny town of only 200 people, there is no bank nearby.  The closest bank is in a town over 15 miles away, so going there is an arduous 30 mile round trip that takes some amount of preparation.  So, last Thursday I got my check book, cup of coffee, bank papers, and other necessities and set off for the bank.

When I arrived, I was asked for ID in order to complete my bank transaction, whereupon, I reached into my pocket and pulled out the TV remote.  Apparently, when I left the house, instead of picking up my billfold I had picked up the TV remote and stuffed it into my back pocket.  The girls in the teller cage were blowing snot bubbles trying not to laugh – and I earned instant qualification for inclusion into “Shambo’s Registry of Stupid Guys.”

A good friend of mine belongs to a group of guys who own a hunting camp in south Georgia.  A dozen of them have collected a few old trailers, tents, abandoned vans and lean-to’s into a community that looks vaguely like a hobo camp down by the railroad tracks.  They meet there every weekend to drink beer, play poker, and watch football on a makeshift satellite TV setup.  To my knowledge, no one has ever hunted anything there.

When the TV rig goes out, they abandon their camp and drive 20 miles down the road to a local VFW club.  There, they reconvene and re-start their poker game in front of the TV.  My friend called me last weekend to tell me they were at the VFW and asked me to check the weather on my computer.  He said it had not rained there in weeks, and the operator’s at the VFW were concerned about their pond drying up. As the water receded in the pond and threatened the fish population, the guys had the brilliant idea of refilling the pond from a garden hose.  INSTANT QUALIFICATION !!!

A drinking buddy and I were vacationing in Key West some years ago.  We stopped by the infamous “Sloppy Joe’s bar for a couple of beers, and my friend said he had to take a whiz.  A few minutes later he came back and ask the bartender for $2 worth of quarters.  When the bartender gave him the quarters, my buddy wandered back toward the bathroom without saying a word.  A few minutes later he came back with a big grin on his face and announced that he had just bought some pussy for $2.

Shambo:  “What in the hell are you talking about?  You got laid in the john for $2?”

Drinking buddy:  “No, no.  Just look at this.”

With that, he reached into his pocket and produced a foil packet that looked something like a condom, with printing on the packet that read:  “INSTANT PUSSY – just add water -  $2″.  Without being asked, the bartender walked up and placed a glass of water in front of my dumb-ass friend, tore open the packet and took out a black object that looked like a piece of styrofoam packing material.  He placed it in the glass of water and began laughing his ass off as the foam object absorbed the water and expanded to reveal a small foam rubber cat.  INSTANT QUALIFICATION !!!

And, that’s all I have to say about that.

Shambo