"...sheehubu...shiitshu... sockclucker"

Let me say this about that.

A friend of mine from Alabama was visiting for a few days and I asked him if he would like go to a baseball game.  I thought this might be a nice diversion for him since there are no sports played in the State of Alabama that do not require a firearm or a pickup truck.  He hesitated a moment and said he didn’t know that much about baseball but might like to give it a try.  I offered to explain the game on the ride to the Florida Marlins stadium where there were playing the Atlanta Braves that afternoon.  He agreed, so we hopped into the car and I started my ‘baseball tutorial’.

Baseball, I explained, is a game played by southern gentlemen wearing long pants.  They are all millionaires, but seem to be…    afflicted with a proclivity for spitting and scratching their balls.  Baseball is one of the few games that is played without a time limit, so it is much enjoyed by the unemployed.  Alcoholics make up a large portion of the fan base as beer is sold at most games – albeit at $8 for a 4 oz cup.

The game itself is somewhat disorganized, but the fans watching the game are as disciplined as the British Palace Guards. By example, it can be observed that everyone watching the game goes to the restroom at precisely the same time.  Further observation reveals that the entire crowd watching the game will rise – in unison – midway through the 7th inning and perform an aerobic maneuver similar to the one any person performs when they get out of bed in the morning.

Baseball has a language all it’s own and is filled with oxymoronic expressions.  For example, when a ball is struck by the batter, yet falls to the ground out of bounds, it is referred to as a “foul ball” ….. when, in point of fact, it is actually counted as a “strike”.  Sometimes a base runner will advance from one base to the next while the pitcher is not paying close attention.  This is referred to as “stealing a base”, even though the base is never removed and remains in plain view of everyone.  And further, when a player swings at a pitched ball – but misses it entirely – it is called a “strike”, even though nothing is stricken, least of all the ball.

Baseball is played during the Spring and Summer months – which makes the wearing of long pants somewhat of a curiosity.  Even more curious is the tradition that all players a wear a glove.  The fact that they wear only one is probably due to the heat during the summer months.  I admitted to my Alabama friend that I was amazed that the Florida Marlins wore a glove at all since they never seemed to use it.

Of all the curiosities in baseball, the most inexplicable is the occasion when one of the players disagrees with the umpires judgement regarding the accuracy of a pitch.  A ceremony ensues that follows a time-tested choreography that is as predictable as the rise and fall of the tides.  First, the umpire determines whether a pitch has traversed the plate in an area bounded by the batters knees and elbows.  The umpire signals his decision by uttering the sound “ARRGHUUG”, and pointing to an object seen only by himself.  If the player disagrees, he positions his nose approximately 2 centimeters from the umpires nose and begins to shout expressions from a long-forgotten Mayan language – all the while emphasizing words that begin with the sound “sshh…”, apparently to maximize the amount of spittle spewed into the umpires face.  The umpire normally tolerates this tirade until the aggrieved player hits upon the ancient Mayan expression that rhymes with “sock-clucker”, whereupon he is summarily removed from the premises.

Most baseball fans are men.  I find this perplexing because the game is form-fit for women – especially older married women.  As baseball is a rather slow-paced game, it is most suitable for someone used to garnering mild pleasure from an endeavor that requires no direct participation, nor having to pay close attention ….. sort of like when married ladies have sex with their husbands.

And, that’s all I have to say about that.

Shambo