National Treasury of the Philippines

Let me say this about that.

I’ve always been fascinated by money.  Oh sure, “Who isn’t?” you may ask, but that’s not what I’m talking about.  I’m talking about the ‘things’ that are used for legal currency.  Today of course, legal currency is usually paper notes or coins issued by the federal government of any particular country.  There are some interesting differences in the currency of each of the world’s nations, but not nearly as interesting as some of the stuff used as currency in ancient times.

(short history lesson – stay with me, it won’t take long).  Currency came into wide use around 2000 BC in Mesopotamia, or what is now modern-day Iraq.  In those days, Iraqi’s actually worked, as opposed to…    roaming around all day throwing rocks, rioting and blowing stuff up like they do today.  Farmers would harvest their crops and store their bounty in temple granaries for safe keeping.  The temple keepers would issue the farmers a coin-like token as a receipt, to be redeemed later when they needed their food.

In the centuries that followed, thousands of multifarious objects were used as symbols for other objects possessing real value.  In ancient Bafia, an area largely consisting of today’s African nation of Cameroon, the “ensuba” was their form of money.   “Ensuba” can be roughly translated into the term “potato masher”, which had a value approximating 1/60 of the average tribesman’s total worth.  In those days, it took 30 ensubas to buy a wife,  who’s value through the years regrettably depreciated faster than a 1998 Subaru.  However, if you liked mashed potatoes and could put up with the bitching, it was a pretty good deal.

Beads, feathers, cows, grain, shells, fur, horses, teeth, gold, silver, and sex, all at one time or another, have been used as currency for the purpose of trading.  Even in modern day America, the ancient system of “bartering” commodities has reappeared as a way to deal with the recession   ‘…… I’ll trade my La-Z-Boy recliner for your TV set’.    However none of these items, nor any government’s legal tender, has ever, EVER achieved the value, the status, or the enduring stability of a secret currency known only to women:

SHOES !!!

It’s every woman’s dirty little secret.  If you don’t think your wife has dozens – maybe hundreds – of pairs of shoes, then you just haven’t found them yet.  Oh, they are there, somewhere.  Maybe in the closet under the blankets – maybe in the bathroom behind the towels – maybe in the laundry room beside the dryer.  A narc with a drug-sniffing dog could not find them, but they are there.

And fellows – more bad news.  Your woman’s collection of shoes is growing.  In the secret society of women, it is a mortal sin to throw away a pair of shoes.  It is rumored that infamous psychopath, Lizzie Borden, was acquitted of hacking her father to death with an ax because the all-female jury heard testimony he had thrown away a pair of her shoes. 

Don’t believe it?  OK, guys take this little test – it has only one question:  “When have you EVER seen your wife throw away a pair of shoes?”   I heard one guy swear that he had seen a unicorn humping a yak in the back seat of a dune buggy, but he had never seen his wife throw away a pair of her shoes.

In 1986, the nation of ‘The Philippines’ erupted into civil war because strongman President Ferdinand Marcos had bankrupted the national treasury and was rumored to have secretly smuggled billions in gold bullion out of the country.  Years after his death, it was learned that the nation’s financial woes were, in fact, due to the purchase of $6.2 billion in shoes by his wife, Imelda Marcos.  The whereabouts of this footwear remains a mystery - though I harbor a suspicion that Mrs. Shambo has been allocated a few hundred pair for safe keeping.

Except for the gay ones, none of this makes any sense to a normal American man.  You tell a guy that America is about to be attacked by Islamic terrorists, and he will immediately begin to stockpile weapons, ammunition, canned goods, bottled water, and Viagra.  As for the women, you can find them lined up behind the Prada counter at Saks.

With all due respect to ancient biblical scholars, the Shambo doctrine of the ‘Garden of Eden’ rejects the assertion that Eve gave birth to the original sin by offering Adam a bite from the forbidden fruit.  Au contraire, my friend.  The first sin was created when the devil, in the form of a serpent, slithered down out of a tree and made Eve an offer she could not refuse:

“Hey there Sweet-cheeks.  I bet you would look really HOT in a pair of these patent-leather pumps !!”

And, that’s all I have to say about that.

Shambo