May 21, 2011

Let me say this about that.

Well, I don’t have much time before the world ends, so I thought I should knock-out one more blog before the Apocalypse.  I know the world will end tonight at 6:00pm because I have been assured by an ordained minister that it’s gonna happen.

The minister’s name is Harold Camping.  Camping runs a huge religious media “Church”  in Oakland, CA and has busied himself this last year by posting billboards all around the globe predicting the “End-of-Days”.  ‘Ol Harold says he calculated the 5/21/11 doomsday by studying the Bible.  One might have expected that the exact date the world ends would be of huge interest to most of us and that someone would have made these calculations long before now.  Apparently Rev. Camping saw something in the Bible that everyone else has overlooked for some 2,000 years.  Way to go, Harold!!

I read the story about Rev. Camping and his prediction on the internet (even more proof that his story must be true).  The article contained exacting detail on the precise time Camping says the world will end … 6:00pm.  But wait!  That’s not 6:00pm Eastern Standard Time … it’s 6:00pm, local time.  Apparently God has a great deal of respect for…    the differences in time zones as he goes about the business of blowing us the hell up. 

The internet article also detailed the assets of Camping’s worldwide ministries, and disclosed that his nonprofit church has net assets of $104,000,000.  Now for those of you living in a ‘single-wide’ in southern Alabama, let me explain.  “Net Asset” is another word for “Accumulated Profits”.  In other words, Camping’s “Nonprofit” church has accumulated “Profits” of $104,000,000.  Praise the Lord and pass the collection plate !!!

However, what I found most interesting were the 3,000+ comments that were posted about the internet article. Many readers felt that Rev. Campings prediction of the exact time and date of the “Rapture”  to be somewhat disingenuous.  Let me share a few of these comments with you:

“Rev Camping, if the world ends at exactly at 6:00pm, local time, what time will the astronauts on the International Space Station die?”

“I saw one of Rev. Camping’s billboards that said ‘Jesus is coming’ and I thought they were opening up a new Mexican restaurant.”

“Well, this is certainly good news.  With all the righteous going to Heaven, maybe a few job vacancies will open up.  I’ve been out of work for a year.”

“If you can read this, it serves as proof that there is internet access in Heaven.”

“Oh my God !!!  It’s really happening !!!  No, wait, it’s just the sun coming up.”

“Rev. Camping’s church has $104 million in net assets, of which $34 million is in stock.  Funny there is no record of him selling any of it.”

“$104 million?  False prophet? … No.  Real profit … Yes.”

“OK, I have a question.  Why did Rev. Camping’s media ministry renew it’s 2012 FCC license?”

“I believe – I believe.  I believe I’ll have another beer.”

“I think Rev. Camping’s gene pool needs more chlorine.”

“This just can’t be true.  No way the world is gonna end before the Detroit Lions win the Super Bowl.”

“Hello internet readers, this is Rev. Camping.  I said  ‘Raptor’  not  ‘Rapture’.  Oh look, there goes one now.”

And what about my plans for the few hours I have left?  I’m thinking about that really expensive bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon, I’ve been hording.  I’m going to us it to wash down a half bottle of Viagra and try to set some kind of record with Mrs. Shambo.  At exactly 6:00pm, you could say I’ll be coming and going at the same time.

And, that’s all I have to say about that.

Shambo