Retirement 101

Jul 22nd
Posted by shambo  as Retirement



Let me say this about that.

In a month or so, I will have been retired for seven years.¬† That probably gives me a little credibility on the subject, so a lot of “baby boomer” buddies, now approaching their own retirement, often ask me for advice.¬† Retirement is a traumatic event for most guys, but once you get into it for a while, you are also in for a few surprises.

Chances are you and your wife have different views of…¬†¬†¬† why you worked for forty years in the first place.¬† Your wife probably viewed your working career as providing two things essential to a good marriage 1) to provide financial support for your family, and 2) maintaining enough fatigue and stress to keep your mind off sex.

You probably also had two reasons:  1) to provide financial support for your family and 2) to be able to converse with people with no daily opportunity to be brainwashed by Oprah Winfrey, Dr. Phil, Judge Judy, or those moronic bimbos on The View.

When you retire, there is no more job, and thus, no more fatigue and stress.¬† All that energy has to go somewhere.¬† If you’re a guy, even a guy in his sixties, you know where you want it channeled.¬† After a few months of retirement, my wife asked me straight out:¬† “What is it with all this renewed interest in sex?¬† I thought men reached their sexual peak in their late teens.”

I’ve thought a lot about that comment, and I believe this old wives tale was made up by …….well, old wives.¬† If there was anything sexual that peaked in my late teens, it was opportunity.¬† Like most young men, I got married in my early twenties and opportunity went from “ample” – to – zero.¬† That’s why women tell us we reach our sexual peak before we get married.¬† Makes you wonder why we’re told women reach their sexual peak at 40.¬† Hmmmmmmm.

Shortly after retirement, men are presented with their first surprise – the evil¬†“honey-do” list.¬† This list details a perpetual catalog of house and lawn maintenance activities of dubious real value.¬† It’s true purpose is to keep your hands busy with activities other than groping the “ol lady”.¬† Younger men have¬†asked me what happens when the “honey-do” list is finished.¬† I tell them the same thing that happens when pigs yodel.¬† The “honey-do” list will outlive income tax.

The second surprise comes when you discover that you are not the only one that has retired.¬† Apparently, somewhere hidden in the fine print of the Housewives Handbook, it explains that when the husband retires, the wife automatically retires as well.¬† I don’t ever recall anyone explaining this to me in advance.¬† So during breaks in my futile attempts to work-down the “honey-do” list, I’m also saddled with half the housekeeping duties.¬† “Manual Labor” is not¬†our Mexican handyman any more – it’s my new profession.

Ya know, I think I’m too tired for sex.¬† Maybe I’ll just watch a little Oprah.

And, that’s all I have to say about that.




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  12. Billy Mac  24th July 2009  

    Since finding out all of this information, I guess I’ll never retire….I’m sure I’ll be working harder than I do now!!

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