P.O.F. Airlines

Let me say this about that.

When, in America, did marketing and advertising become a euphemism for tolerated prevarication?  When did every advertisement we see in print or in the broadcast medium become a bald-faced lie – and – when exactly did we decide that we were OK with it?  If the pharmaceutical industry’s advertisements are to be believed, for example, then the world must now be devoid of disease, pain, malady, soreness, attention deficiency disorder or irritable bowel syndrome.  The fact is, the world’s population has all manner of health problems and the pharmaceutical industry is a big pack of (don’t want to get too technical here) LIARS !!  But the really sad part is that we really don’t seem to mind.

I don’t mean to pick on the poor ‘ol pharmaceutical industry.  Most U.S. industries are as bad or worse.  Let me give you an example of one industry that has gotten so bad, it is now completely incapable of telling the truth – the airline industry.

An old college buddy, “Mitch”, decided to fly in to visit for a few days and take in the Orange Bowl football game while he was in the area.  He called me a couple of weeks before the game and told me he had made his flight arrangements and that he got a great deal on a ticket.  Normally, he would pay about $400 to fly into South Florida, but he reported he had purchased a ticket for $29 – round trip!!!   WOW!

A couple of days before the game, he arrived with his wife “Trudy” and we went out to dinner.  I asked him how his airline bargain worked out.  He reported the following experience as he checked-in at the airline counter of  “Pants-On-Fire Airlines”  (POF Air):

POF Air:  “Good morning, Sir – checking in?”

Mitch:  Yes indeed, two passengers.”

POF Air:  “That’s wonderful, Sir.  I see you have selected our special $29 fare.  You’re quite the bargain hunter, aren’t you, Sir?  However, I can offer you several POF Air options that may make your flight experience more enjoyable.  Would you like to hear about a few of our flight enhancements?”

Mitch:  “Sure, why not.”

POF Air:  “Well, Sir, will you be travelling with any luggage?”

Mitch:  “Yeah, we’ve got these two big-honking Samsonite suitcases here.  Why?  Is there a charge for luggage?”

POF Air:  “Oh, of course not, Sir.  That is unless you prefer not to hold the suitcases in your lap for the entire trip.  If you would like to purchase the ‘cargo-hold space’ option, there will be an additional charge of $29.”

Mitch:  “Well, we’re certainly not going to hold the luggage in our laps for a two hour flight.  Here’s another $29 each.  Can we carry-on our hand luggage and store it in the overhead bin?”

POF Air:  “Yes indeed, Sir.  The ‘overhead bin space’ option can be purchased for only $29.”

Mitch:  “That’s ridiculous.  We’ll just hold our carry-on luggage in our lap.”

POF Air:  “That will be wonderful, Sir.  However, that presumes you actually have a ‘lap’.  If you prefer not to stand during your flight to Florida, we can offer you our ‘seat option’ for the bargain price of $29.  Would you like to be seated on this flight, Sir?”

Mitch:  “Jeez!  OK, OK, give us two seats.”

POF Air:  “If you prefer two seats in the ‘pressurized cabin’ as opposed to two seats in the ‘cargo hold’, that will necessitate an additional charge of ………… “

Mitch:  “Let me guess ….. $29?”

POF Air:   “Oh, you are a quick one, aren’t you, Sir?  Now, how about  ‘potty tokens’?”

Mitch:  “Are you telling me we have to have tokens to use the bathroom?”

POF Air:  “Yes, Sir.  It’s one of our best sources of revenue.  Now you will only need one token if you have to do … you know, ‘number one’.  But, you will need two tokens if you plan on leaving us ‘the big one’. “

Mitch:  “Unbelievable.  But you leave me no choice.  My wife Trudy has a bladder the size of a ‘Cherrio’, so I guess I’ll have to invest in, oh, say ….twelve tokens.”

POF Air:  “Very good, Sir.  Now we’re almost at the end.  In case of emergency, would you like to pre-purchase our ‘drop-down emergency oxygen masks’ for $29 – or  -  would you prefer to purchase oxygen on an as-needed basis for $629?”

 Mitch:   “$29 for air?”

POF Air:  “A real bargain, Sir – especially if you don’t have any.”

Mitch:  “OK, OK, I’ll take the $29 air.  Now, how much is the total?”

POF Air:  “Only $1,642, Sir.  But, you have payment options with POF Air.  If you will be paying with a credit card, the ‘payment option surcharge’  will require that your card be debited $29 monthly until you complain to the Better Business Bureau.  If you pay with cash, you will be charged $29 only once.  And, now, the good news.  If you pay with gold bullion, there’s NO ‘PAYMENT OPTION SURCHARGE’ AT ALL !!!

Public Address Announcer For POF Air:  “Ladies and gentlemen, this is to announce that the POF flight to Florida will be delayed for eight hours.  We now anticipate departure at 4:00 am in the morning.  Have a nice flight.”

And, that’s all I have to say about that.

Shambo