Professsional liars

Jan 6th
Posted by shambo  as Airlines, Transportation

P.O.F. Airlines

Let me say this about that.

When, in America, did marketing and advertising become a euphemism for tolerated prevarication?¬† When did every advertisement we see in print or in the broadcast medium become a bald-faced lie – and – when exactly did we decide that we were OK with it?¬† If the pharmaceutical industry’s advertisements¬†are to be believed, for example, then the world must now be devoid of¬†disease, pain, malady, soreness, attention deficiency disorder or irritable bowel syndrome.¬† The fact is, the world’s population has all manner of health problems¬†and the pharmaceutical industry is a big pack of (don’t want to get too technical here) LIARS !!¬† But the really sad part is that we really don’t seem to mind.

I don’t mean to pick on the poor ‘ol pharmaceutical industry.¬† Most U.S. industries¬†are as bad or worse.¬† Let me give you an example of one industry that has gotten so bad, it is now completely incapable of telling the truth – the airline industry.

An old college buddy,¬†“Mitch”,¬†decided to fly in¬†to¬†visit for a few days and take in the Orange Bowl football game while he was in the area.¬† He called me a couple of weeks before the game¬†and told me he had made his flight arrangements and that he got a great deal on a ticket.¬† Normally, he would pay about $400 to fly into South Florida, but he reported he had purchased a ticket for $29 – round trip!!!¬†¬† WOW!

A couple of days before the game, he arrived with his wife “Trudy” and we went out to dinner.¬† I asked him how his airline bargain worked out.¬† He reported the following experience as he checked-in at the airline counter of ¬†“Pants-On-Fire Airlines”¬† (POF Air):

POF Air:¬† “Good morning, Sir – checking in?”

Mitch:¬† Yes indeed, two passengers.”

POF Air:¬† “That’s wonderful, Sir.¬† I see you have selected our special $29 fare.¬† You’re quite the bargain hunter, aren’t you, Sir?¬† However, I can offer you several POF Air¬†options that may make your flight experience more enjoyable.¬† Would you like to hear about a few of our flight enhancements?”

Mitch:¬† “Sure, why not.”

POF Air:¬† “Well, Sir, will you be travelling with any luggage?”

Mitch:¬† “Yeah, we’ve got these two big-honking Samsonite suitcases here.¬† Why?¬†¬†Is there a charge for luggage?”

POF Air:¬† “Oh, of course not, Sir.¬† That is unless you prefer not to hold the suitcases in your lap for the entire trip.¬† If you would like to purchase the ‘cargo-hold space’ option, there will be an additional charge of $29.”

Mitch:¬† “Well,¬†we’re certainly not going to hold the luggage in our laps for a two hour flight.¬† Here’s another $29 each.¬† Can we carry-on our hand luggage and store it in the overhead bin?”

POF Air:¬† “Yes indeed, Sir.¬† The ‘overhead bin space’ option can be purchased for only $29.”

Mitch:¬† “That’s¬†ridiculous.¬† We’ll just hold our carry-on luggage in our lap.”

POF Air:¬† “That will be wonderful, Sir.¬† However, that presumes you actually have a ‘lap’.¬† If you prefer not to stand during your flight to Florida, we can offer you our ‘seat option’ for the bargain price of $29.¬† Would you like¬†to be¬†seated on this flight, Sir?”

Mitch:¬† “Jeez!¬† OK, OK, give us two seats.”

POF Air:¬† “If you prefer two seats in the ‘pressurized cabin’¬†as opposed to¬†two seats in the ‘cargo hold’, that will necessitate an additional charge of ………… “

Mitch:¬† “Let me guess …..¬†$29?”

POF Air:¬†¬† “Oh, you are a quick one, aren’t you, Sir?¬† Now, how about¬† ‘potty tokens’?”

Mitch:¬† “Are you telling me we have to have tokens to use the bathroom?”

POF Air:¬† “Yes, Sir.¬† It’s one of our best sources of revenue.¬† Now you will only need one token if you have to do … you know, ‘number one’.¬† But, you will¬†need two tokens if you plan on leaving us ‘the big one’. “

Mitch:¬† “Unbelievable.¬† But you leave me no choice.¬† My wife Trudy¬†has a bladder the size of a ‘Cherrio’, so I guess I’ll have to invest in, oh, say ….twelve tokens.”

POF Air:¬† “Very good, Sir.¬† Now we’re almost at the end.¬† In case of emergency, would you like to pre-purchase our ‘drop-down emergency oxygen masks’ for $29 – or¬† -¬† would you prefer to purchase oxygen¬†on an as-needed basis for $629?”

¬†Mitch:¬†¬† “$29 for air?”

POF Air:¬† “A real bargain, Sir – especially if you don’t have any.”

Mitch:¬† “OK, OK, I’ll take the $29 air.¬† Now, how much is the total?”

POF Air:¬† “Only $1,642, Sir.¬†¬†But, you have payment options with POF Air.¬† If you will be paying with a credit card, the ‘payment option surcharge’¬† will require that your card be debited $29 monthly¬†until you complain to the Better Business Bureau.¬† If you pay with cash, you will be charged¬†$29¬†only¬†once.¬† And, now, the good news.¬† If you pay¬†with gold bullion, there’s NO ‘PAYMENT OPTION SURCHARGE’ AT ALL !!!

Public Address Announcer For POF Air:¬† “Ladies and gentlemen,¬†this is to announce that the POF flight to Florida¬†will be delayed¬†for eight hours.¬† We now anticipate departure at 4:00 am in the morning.¬† Have a nice flight.”

And, that’s all I have to say about that.




  1. Rich in SC  27th February 2010  

    Forgot to thank you for the “Mitch” & “Trudy” edition…it is good to be an object lesson for the many intelligent followers of the LMSTAT and allow wisdom to be diseminated to the rest of the world. Somehow I think that an upcoming event in July, will yield many subjects for future LMSTAT topics. How is your yodeling skills now?

  2. tim  13th January 2010  

    Wow, tough break.

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