Dumb sports traditions

May 3rd

Let me say this about that.

Americans are a sports-loving bunch.¬† Show¬†the average American guy a game that involves a ball and you can be sure of one thing … he’s gonna bet on it.¬† Seriously, we love our sports and our interests vary widely from baseball to dog racing to figure skating to horse jumping to beach volleyball to ….. a hundred other sports.¬† From Little League to the World Series and every level in between, the American sports scene is as diverse as it’s population.

A lot of our sports¬†can be¬†pretty lame, though.¬† Take throwing Frisbees, for example.¬† I mean, how long do you think this sport would have lasted if dogs never entered the picture?¬† Truth be told, even our most beloved sports have elements of…¬†¬†¬† raw,¬† unadulterated¬†stupidity.¬† Allow me to illustrate:

The Seventh Inning Stretch:¬†¬† I¬† love baseball and attend games, at all levels, as often I can.¬† It’s the perfect ‘guy sport’ as you can follow what’s going on without having to pay close attention.¬† Throughout the game, most guys are¬†in and out of their seats¬†constantly to get a beer, go to the john, get a dog, get another beer and so on.¬† But halfway through the seventh inning, the game is stopped for the “Seventh Inning Stretch”.¬† By that time, I have already logged a half mile between my seat, the bathroom and beer stand and could use a rest.¬† But nooooo, I have to stand up and do a faux stretch like I have been chained to my seat for the last three hours.¬† But, to do otherwise would be unAmerican.

Arguing Balls and Strikes:¬† And while we are on baseball, one of the dumbest acts in any sport is arguing with the umpire on whether he called the last pitch correctly.¬†¬†Never, NEVER, since¬†Abner Doubleday invented the game in 1839 has an umpire changed his mind about a call because a player or manager challenged his decision.¬† There is NO upside to arguing an umpire’s call, yet it happens thousands of times each season – to do otherwise would be unAmerican.

Football Commercials:¬† Picture this scene from the Kentucky Derby …….. “And, they’re off.¬† Beetlebob takes the early lead on the inside followed by race favorite Dog Food.¬† As they approach the quarter mile post, it’s Dog Food taking the lead and …whoa, ladies and gentlemen, the race has been stopped for a message from our sponsor.”¬† If this were a football game, it would make perfect sense.¬† Football is the ONLY sport on TV that is controlled by the networks – not by the officials.¬† If you are watching the game on TV, it’s not so bad.¬† It just gives you time to get up, get a beer and take a whiz. ¬†But if you’re at the game in person, it’s annoying as hell.¬†¬†¬†It’s like watching a NASCAR race with stop lights.

NASCAR Fan Votes:¬† First of all, I will confess to two things about NASCAR races – 1) I enjoy watching the damn things because they are somewhat like baseball – 90% boredom and 10% action.¬† It entertains us but doesn’t require much effort on our part.¬† 2) The people who produce these races are only slightly more intelligent than crab grass.¬† In order to bolster their sagging TV ratings, they have developed the concept of¬† “Fan Voting”.¬† That’s right, you can call a 900 number and vote¬†on some aspect of the race.¬† And what did the NASCAR brain-trust develop as the inaugural fan participation vote?¬† A vote on which¬† is the “Fastest Pit Crew” !!!!¬† It’s like stopwatches were never invented.¬† Apparently the time/space continuum can be altered in a NASCAR race by fan vote.¬† The really sad thing is that tens of thousands of Bubbas, sitting out there in their double-wides, actually believe a timed event can be made faster by voting.

Beach Volleyball Uniforms:¬† I’m sure there is beach volleyball played by men, but I know of no one that has ever seen a game.¬† Beach volleyball played by women, however, is only slightly less popular with guys than Viagra.¬† I have no clue how the score is kept – I have no idea what the rules are – I don’t know the names of any of the players.¬† But, what I do know is that women’s beach volleyball is the only form of porn Mrs. Shambo will let me watch.¬† God Bless America and God Bless Brazil!!!

And, that’s all I have to say about that.




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