World’s most difficult language

Aug 1st


Congress 'misspeaking'

Let me say this about that.

Like most Americans I have been watching the “Great Monkey Grab-Ass Show” performed by¬†our nation’s leaders in Washington, as they negotiate a settlement to the current debt/budget crisis.¬† To give you guys a summary of what has been happening (just in case you actually have a life and don’t waste much of it watching a collection of our best ‘village idiots’ take a big crap on¬†our great nation), just imagine this ……… ¬†A lit stick of dynamite (our economy) is being tossed back and forth between two drunk monkeys (the Democratic leadership and the Republican leadership), while a third drunk monkey (the Tea Party)¬†is squirting mace into the eyes of the other two drunk monkeys.

OK, I might be dressing it up a bit to make it more rational than it really is, but you get the idea. The monkeys show no concern about the inevitable explosion of the dynamite – just as long as it explodes in the hands of the other monkey. The third monkey shows no concern about the inevitable explosion of the dynamite, because he knows it’s going to go ‘KA-BOOM’ and he is going to get none of the blame.¬† COOL !!!

Anyway, the nation’s press expressed this dilemma in this morning’s newspaper with headlines that read:

“Nation’s Leaders Reach Loggerheads Over Budget Crisis.”

Now I have a question – what the hell does that mean?

There are 535 people serving in the Congress that have been negotiating for over a year to stave-off the impending economic doom of the United States of America, and the net result of over 500 man-years of work is that they have succeeded in reaching “Loggerheads”.

OK, another question: “When is the last time you used the word ‘loggerhead’ in a conversation with one of your buddies?

“That’s right Fred, Martha and me drove on past Peoria about half a day ’til we reached ‘Loggerheads’.

Our good public servants in Washington do not speak English like you and I.¬† They speak a language so obscure that they could speak for an hour without actually¬†¬† saying a single thing.¬† It’s an incredible language !!¬† It is constructed with an English¬†alphabet, and it’s made up of English words, but it’s NOT English.

During the 2008 presidential campaign, Hillary Clinton – in an effort to impress us with her toughness as a potential President – recalled an episode on a trip to Bosnia when she had to ‘duck-and-cover’¬† while taking¬†sniper fire¬†upon her arrival.¬† Video footage of her arrival, however, proved that the worst she endured was a vigorous handshake from her greeters.¬† Clinton’s handlers later dismissed her assertion about the snipers by suggesting the Ms. Clinton had “misspoke.”

I don’t ever recall using the word “misspoke.” In English, the¬†expression would be¬†“bald-faced lie”. But, apparently in Washington, it’s ‘misspoke”.

During this never-ending cat-fight over the budget deficit and debt ceiling, I keep hearing¬†the term used to describe my Social Security and Medicare benefits as an “Entitlement” and how it might be reduced. ¬†In the language of Washington, “Entitlement” apparently means a sum of money paid to retirees as a ‘gift’¬† from a benevolent government¬†to facilitate my golden years.

But wait !! Don’t I remember something about a thing called FICA or ‘Payroll Tax’ that I dutifully paid to the government for the entire fifty years of my working life?¬† I was told that I was funding my own Social Security benefits and Medicare Insurance and the government was just ‘holding’ the money for me until my retirement.¬† If so, how can the government cut the Social Security and Medicare benefits ‘that I have already freaking paid for !?!?’ Apparently the¬†entire government ¬†‘misspoke’ while explaining the future benefits of my FICA payments.

In Washington, there is another phrase that peppers every political speech by Congressmen and the President.¬† It sounds innocent enough – it sounds like it has a clear and concise meaning – and in fact, there is an exact such phrase in English – “Balanced Budget”.

The English meaning of ‘balanced budget’ is simple.¬† It means that your income and spending are the same – in other words, balanced.¬† Every working stiff in America understands this simple concept, unless they have a house full of teenagers whose sole function in life is to run-up credit card debt with such life-essentials as $150 sneakers, PS3′s, cell phones, tattoos, bellybutton rings, and baggy pants.

The Washington definition of ¬†‘balanced budget’, however, is entirely different.¬† Here it means “not spending more than you receive in¬†income – PLUS – all that you can borrow.” In other words, kinda like the poor smuck with the house full of teenagers.

That’s really the root of the mess that we currently find ourselves in.¬† Washington’s definition of ‘balanced budget’ means they want to spend every cent they receive in tax – PLUS -¬†the $14,356,697,079,110.98 we have accumulated in debt !!!!!!!¬† For those of you who took ¬†grammar school arithmatic¬†in Arkansas, that’s over 14 trillion dollars !!¬† And the current proposal before the congress is to continue the ‘balanced budget’ by borrowing $2.5 trillion more.¬† Put another way, we could discontinue EVERY SINGLE GOVERNMENT PROGRAM funded by¬†ALL income tax collections¬†for 16 years – and still be in debt.

Whooopee !!! We’re having fun now !!

During my working years, my job often required that I live in a foreign country.¬† Courtesy, tradition and business necessity¬†demanded that I, at least, attempt to speak the local language.¬† Through my career, I actively took lessons in Spanish, French, German, Japanese, and Chinese¬†Mandarin.¬† I am often asked which language I found to be the most difficult.¬† My¬†response has always been the same – “Whatever language that is spoken in Washington – or should I say ‘misspoken’?

And, that’s all I have to say about that.



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