A few of Tiger's ho's

Let me say this about that.

Oh, Tiger, Tiger, Tiger.  You have really ‘shat-in-your-hat’ this time.  Word has it that your D-I-V-O-R-C-E is final and, as part of the settlement, you have agreed to pay your ex-wife a whopping $700,000,000 dollars!!  I’m no economist, but I believe that amount exceeds the gross national product of Bolivia.

That dollar amount is such an outrageous number, I have trouble truly comprehending how much money that is.  The only way my tiny little brain can get it’s tiny little arms around a number that big is to break it down into much smaller pieces. In other words, doing the math.  Let’s start with a few obvious calculations:

Woody (pardon the pun) and his ex-wife were married just short of six years.  That means that Woods has paid his…    (more…)

Let me say this about that.

Damn – damn – damn!!!  How many reality shows do we have to endure?  Is there nothing worth showing on network TV these days other than these inane, hollow, crap-fests? 

Cooking reality shows, dating reality shows, stupid game reality shows, home video reality shows, survival skills reality shows, real housewife (yeah, right) reality shows, talent scout reality shows, decorating reality shows, house remodeling reality shows, antique appraisal reality shows, car auction reality shows, motorcycle building reality shows, auto repossession reality shows, bounty hunter reality shows, cop reality shows.

Reality shows – reality shows – reality shows – reality shows – and guess what?  MORE REALITY SHOWS !!!!  Please, somebody just shoot me.

For you imbecilic, banana-headed boobs out there who actually enjoy reality shows, I have a “Life-Choice” option for you: …. either 1)…    (more…)

Let me say this about that.

Do you remember when you were in school, or in some class at work, and the instructor asked if anyone in the class had a question?  Usually no one asked a question for fear of looking stupid in front of the rest of the class.  Of course, we always had questions, but we relied on someone else asking ‘our’ question and taking the risk of looking stupid.  Apparently, it is embedded in the human DNA to prefer ignorance over the appearance of looking stupid.

This was reinforced through our early school years by kids laughing at us in class for ‘asking a stupid question’.  And later on in adulthood, in a training class phenomenon made famous by a quotation from Mark Twain:

“It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear as a fool, than open it and…    (more…)

Dale Junior - Mayonnaise Salesman

Let me say this about that.

NASCAR fans get a lot of flack for being a bunch of ignorant, tobacco chewing, pick-up truck driving rednecks.  I vehemently disagree !!  In fact, I have devised an IQ test to measure the intelligence of NASCAR fans which I believe will lay to rest the reputation – for good –  that NASCAR fans are just a bunch of hicks.  The IQ test consists of only five multiple-choice questions (answers are below):

1) Which has the greater mathematical possibility of occurring?

a) The Loch Ness Monster being found in the Mississippi River.

b) A new Ice Age beginning next Thursday.

c) Elvis discovered working in Las Vegas as a Michael Jackson impersonator.

d) Dale Earnhardt Jr winning a NASCAR race within the next year.

 

2) Which of the following persons can be said to be living lives solely based on “HOPE” and “FAITH”?

a) Billy Graham.

b) The Pope.

c) Barack Obama.

d) Dale Earnhardt Jr fans…    (more…)

Not a good idea.

Let me say this about that.

I am sick and tired of people who give advice in  “Advice Columns”.  It’s usually some dried-up old prune giving advice to a whiney-ass woman who has discovered that her man actually prefers to sleep with someone who has a pulse.  It generally goes something like this:

Dear Ann:  “My husband has been ignoring me lately and I don’t think he loves me anymore.  It’s true that I have let myself go and I admit that I fly into a rage whenever he tries to watch his football games.  I have been trying to control my ‘gorilla-farts’ at night but I do love my pork rinds and beer before bedtime.  The last time we had sex was during the Kennedy administration but I just haven’t been in the mood.  He seems really pissed that I maxed-out all his credit cards, but he has been really cold since my older brother moved in with us after he was released from prison.  Ann, do you think a new hairdo might help my problem?” … ‘Confused in Detroit’

Dear Confused:  “I am shocked that you must endure living with such an ogre.  None of your problems are your fault.  You should begin each morning by looking into the mirror and repeating ‘ I am the perfect woman’.  Your future happiness can be insured by buying my new book entitled ‘ It’s not my fault’ for the low price of $69.99.  Now indulge yourself with that new hairdo.  You go girl !! ” … ‘ Ann Panders’.

WHAT A LOAD OF CRAP !!!

Why is it always the guy’s fault?  Has there ever been a single ‘man/woman’ relationship problem – in the entire world – that wasn’t the guy’s fault ???  I think us guys have been getting a…    (more…)

Nose Hair Removal Device

Let me say this about that.

To quote that great American philosopher – Yogi Berra - “The future ain’t what it used to be.”  Those of us who believe that you must invest your money in order to ensure a secure financial future have been taking a real beating the last few years.  The stock market has become less stable than Oprah’s waistline.  The real estate market in Afghanistan is in better shape than in America.  Banks are paying less than 1% interest on savings accounts and CD’s.

Just where is a safe, reliable, and profitable place to invest your savings, given that all the traditional avenues of investment are in the toilet?  This question is important to every middle aged citizen – but is downright compelling to all of us living on a fixed income (and by ‘fixed’, I mean fixed at ‘ZERO’ !!).

I decided that I shouldn’t bitch about this dilemma unless I have given my best effort to solve the problem. As such, I have constructed a few investment opportunities for those who are dissatisfied with the old traditional, non-performing investment schemes.  And, in no particular order, here they are…    (more…)

Extra Large Condom Ad

Let me say this about that.

Ask most Americans what has been the greatest influence on the development of their philosophies, their opinions, their fundamental beliefs and most would say: their parents – the Bible – the internet – their teachers – history.  All WRONG!!  Sure, all these things have some impact on the shaping of our intellectual perception of the world, but NONE can compare to the impact of advertisements, tee shirts, bumper stickers and graffiti.

Ads, tee shirts, bumper stickers and graffiti are the instrumentation of street philosophy that can be so compelling that it is instantly committed to memory and can be recalled, verbatim, decades later.  Even though it occurred in 1983, I still recall the image of the 20 year old hard-body, walking down the dock at the ‘Faro Blanco Yacht Basin’  in the Florida Keys wearing a tee shirt that read:

“You can’t be first – but you might be next.”

As a simple philosophical statement, you can’t get much more succinct (or memorable) than that. 

Although they often feature racy subject matter, tee shirt philosophies sometimes espouse a thought so profound that it can…    (more…)

Touchdown Jesus

I must admit that in my advancing years, I am still confounded by the accelerating pace of the ‘dumbing down of America’.  It seems that facts, common sense, mathematics, and any sort of cognitive thought has been replaced by emotion, feelings, illusion, and fantasy.  Nowadays, how things really ‘ARE’ is not nearly so important as how one ‘WANTS’ things to be.

Let me give you an example.

Yesterday, the ‘USA Today Coaches Preseason Poll’ was released for the 2010 NCAA football season. There are several aspects of this poll that astounded even this jaded ‘ol fart.  TO WIT:  Notre Dame’s football team was ranked # 33 in the country !!  Unbelievable !!

It is clear that “The Almighty” has ‘cursed’ me with a  need for the application of facts before I reach a conclusion.  Apparently God has spared the coaches (who voted in the poll) this curse, because no one with at least the intellectual ability of a sea-slug  could possible have reached the same conclusion in the selection of Notre Dame as the 33rd best football team in the country. 

On the other hand, my ‘curse’ would have me consider the fact that the Notre Dame team from last year did not even  have a…    (more…)

Groucho Marx

Let me say this about that.

For all our faults, Americans live in the greatest nation in the world.  I do not make this statement lightly.  Unless you have actually resided in another country, you can never have a full appreciation of all our shortcomings – and our greatness.

What makes America great?  Our wealth? – technology? – education? – geography? – economy? – no, no, no, no, and no.  What makes America the greatest nation is the fact that we have an ingrained sense of humor.  If you have never lived in another country, you can’t really appreciate what a huge part humor plays in our culture.

Don’t believe it?  Take the following common sense test:

Have you ever seen the Russian President smile?

Have you ever heard a German tell a joke?

What is the one thing all Finnish people find funny?

Have you ever seen a Chinese guy belly laugh?

I would wager the answer to these questions, and a hundred just like them, would be “NO” .  Most countries are not known for their sense of humor, don’t have a sense of humor, and find almost nothing funny.  In some of the countries I have lived in – Japan being the most notable example – laughter is actually…    (more…)

The Dreaded Purple Dragon

Let me say this about that.

Omar, a good friend of mine came by last week to borrow a set of tools.  When he walked into my house, he asked why I was wearing different colored socks.  I told him that it kept the purple dragons away. 

Omar:  “Shambo, you been smoking peyote again?  ……. wearing different colored socks keeps purple dragons away?”

Shambo:  “Correct-amundo.  And I have statistical proof that it works.”

Omar:  “Statistical proof?  That’s just stupid.  OK, smart guy, I’ll give you ten bucks if you can prove it.”

Shambo:  “Look around.  How many purple dragons do you see?  Just leave the ten bucks on the kitchen table.”

I’ll admit that Omar isn’t the highest head on the totem pole, but he has lots of…    (more…)