Let me say this about that.

We’ve all done it …. imagined we have won the lottery and become an instant multimillionaire!  Yeah, I’ve done it myself (imagined – not won).  The burning question I always had was not ‘what should I do with the money’  but ‘what is the FIRST thing I would do with the money?’  Now, to this question I have given considerable thought.  Wanna hear about it?  Thought so.

Gulfstream G550

“CONGRATULATIONS, Mr. Shambo, you have just won the grand prize in this weeks MEGAMILLIONS Lottery.  Your prize comes to, after taxes, $87 million !! 

Shambo:  “Hello, NetJets?  I need to lease a Gulfstream G550 business jet for a couple of days.  I know that they say ‘if-you-have-to-ask-you-can’t-afford-it’  but I’ve had a really good day and I want to splurge.  Can you tell me about how much that might cost?

NetJets:  “Why, of course, sir.  We charge $8,000/hour, plus expenses and gratuity.”

Shambo:  “Not a problem.  I need to fly to the Virgin Islands.  Will this aircraft make it that far without stopping?”

NetJets:  “Oh sir, we are quite the jokester, aren’t we?  The G550 has a range of 6,000 miles at 550 mph.  The jet has a boatload of technical features, but I will mention just two. 1) the couch folds out into a queen-sized bed, and 2) our flight attendants are ex-Playboy centerfolds.”

Shambo:  “I beginning to see why you mentioned the ‘gratuity’.  Can I get something to eat on board?

$25,000 Caviar

NetJets:  “Certainly, sir. What would you like?” 

Shambo:  “Well young lady, as I said, I’ve had a really good day and would like to splurge on lunch.  I’ve heard about this rare Iranian Caviar that comes in a 24 carat gold tin.  Can I get some of that?”

Net Jets:  “Well, we can hardly call it a ‘TIN’, now can we sir?  The caviar to which you are referring is Iranian Almas Caviar, and is the rarest in the world.  And yes, it comes in an 24 carat gold container.  If that is what you want for lunch, I’ll add $25,000 to your expenses.”

Shambo:  “Not a problem – not a problem.  You know Miss, you have been so helpful, I wonder if I might impose on you to make all the arrangements for my vacation?”

Necker Island

NetJets:  “Sir, with your obvious good tastes, I will devote the rest of the day just helping you.  Now where exactly did you want to stay in the Virgin Islands?”

Shambo:  “Oh Hell, I don’t know.  Someplace really nice.  Spare no expense.  Got any suggestions?”

NetJets:  “Well, if I am to take ‘spare-no-expense’ literally, then there is only one place for you.  It’s called ‘Necker Island’. ”

Shambo:  “Doesn’t sound too fancy to me.  Tell me about this ‘Necked Island’.

NetJets:  “That’s NECKER Island – not Necked island, even though, at the prices they charge, you could probably change the name if you wanted to.  The island belongs to British tycoon, Sir Richard Branson – you know, Virgin Airlines?  The island is a private resort on a 74 acre island, just off the coast of Virgin Gorda.  The main house has eight bedrooms, and 20,000 square feet of commons area. There are six ‘Bali Houses’ scattered over the island if you want a little privacy, as well as four pools and a spa.  There is even an open air bathroom in the VIP suite.  Clothing is optional and all food, booze, wine and champagne are included in the $54,500 per night charge.

Shambo:  “Sounds perfect.  Book me for two weeks.”

 NetJets:  “OK, that comes to just a little over three-quarters of a million dollars.  MY, my.  You did have a good day, now didn’t you sir?”

Shambo:  “Indeed I did.  Now I’m going to need transportation from the Virgin Gorda Airport to Necker Island.  I get seasick very easily, so I would prefer not to take a boat.  Are there any other options available to get me there?”

Bell 429 Jet-copter

NetJets:  “I have just the thing for you.  Do you like flying in helicopters?”

Shambo:  “Don’t know.  Never been in one.  What’s it like?”

NetJets:  “I would recommend the Bell model 429, sir.  It is jet powered and silky smooth.  The top speed of 175 mph can be maintained for the full range of 4.2 hours of flying time.  This machine will get you from the Virgin Gorda Airport to Necker Island in under six minutes.  If you would like to keep the helicopter for sightseeing while you are in the islands, the charge will be $1,500/hour of flying time.  Shall I book you sir.”

Shambo:  “Oh, Hell yeah.  I’ll need it the whole time I’m there.”

Service with a smile

NetJets: “Will there be anything else, sir?”

Shambo:  “No, that ought about do it.  Oh wait. I have never done anything quite like this before, and frankly, I really don’t know what I’m doing.  Will there be anyone in the Virgin Islands that can help show me the ropes after I arrive?  I would really appreciate the help.

NetJets:  ” Sir, for a good customer like you, I’ll do it myself.  I will be waiting for you on the beach when you arrive.”

Great service – Priceless !!

And, that’s all I have to say about that.

Shambo

Mathematic proof

Let me say this about that.

As a young, recently graduated engineer, I accepted a job in Cape Canaveral, Florida working at an electronics company.  This particular company designed and manufactured sophisticated communications equipment for NASA’s Apollo space program, and for the use of the National Security Administration’s (NSA) efforts in the Vietnam war. 

My first week on the job, I was handed an assignment to respond to a government audit report that alleged 1/3 of all the company’s employees arrived late for work.  This was a serious charge since all our work was compensated on a “Cost-Plus” basis – meaning the more time we took to complete a specific job, the more we were paid.  The auditors also demanded a refund for ‘time not worked’.

The company was a ‘secure’ facility, owing to the secret nature of our work, and only had a couple of heavily guarded entrances to the facility.  This made verification of the audit’s allegation quite simple.  And yes, I found that the government auditors were correct – about 1/3 of all the employees arrived late each day.  I reported this to superiors but recommended we NOT refund any money to the government, based on the following logic: “If 1/3 of the employees were late, logic would lead to the conclusion that 2/3 were early.”  As such, the government owed us money.

The government and the company decided to just let the whole thing drop, but the incident instilled in me an appreciation of how mathematics can be used to support completely illogical conclusions.

Years later, at a different company, the “Human Resources” department sent me a notification that I needed to improve my employees’ absenteeism record surrounding holidays and weekends.  They claimed that 40% of my department’s absenteeism occurred on Fridays and Mondays.  What could I say?  Guilty.  But when I pointed out that 40% of the work week also occurred on Fridays and Mondays, they decided that I needed “Sensitivity” training instead.

In all my thirty-five years in business, thirty-four of them were spent as a manager.  One of several generalizations I can make about employees is that they almost never complain about their pay.  What the complain about is their pay – in relation to how much someone else is being paid.  In particular, someone else that they believe is of less value to the company than they are.  I don’t know how many times I have been confronted by a disgruntled employee who complained that they were more valuable than another employee – and yet, were paid less.  They generally ended their argument with the phrase:  I’m worth more than I’m being paid.”  In all those years, I never disagreed with any of them. I always replied:  “Of course you are worth more than you are being paid.  But the job you are currently performing, isn’t.”  I regret to say that response almost never inspired the employee to get more training or education to justify career advancement.

The unquestioned champion of using mathematics to support illogical conclusions is the media.  Reporters, if you have not learned this already, are not counted among the brightest bulbs in the chandelier to begin with.  Couple that with sparse formal education and intense pressure to sell newspapers and air time, you often get sensational “NEWS” that is nothing more than fallacious crap supported by bogus math.  Two famous news stories suppport what I am talking about.

In a 2006 story about motorcycle deaths in the State of Florida, CNN reported that the death rate of motorcycle riders, not wearing helmets, had skyrocketed since the Governor overturned the helmet law six years earlier.  While the sensational article reported a 67% rise in deaths since the repeal of the law, it failed to report an 87% rise in the number of motorcycles registered in Florida during the same period – which mathematically supported a REDUCTION in the rate of deaths.

A report by the ‘Associated Press’ (AP) in 1997 broke a story about the health concerns of employees of nuclear power  plants.  With great fanfare, it disclosed that a third of all deaths of nuclear workers was due to cancer and called for more strict regulation.  When the claim was investigated, it was found that a third of all deaths in the general population was also due to cancer.

Figures don’t lie – but liars figure.

After I retired from the business world, I spent a couple of years as an elected official in my hometown.  There is one mathematical certainty about politicians that I learned in those two years that I can now report:  “If you lined up all the politicians in the world – end to end – they would not reach a conclusion.”

And, that’s all I have to say about that.

Shambo

Let me say this about that.

Yesterday’s LMSTAT blog bemoaned the fact that you just can’t believe everything you see anymore.  This is especially true since the advent of ‘Photoshop’ software – the digitization software that allows you to modify original photographs, and morph the picture into anything you want.  Since the existence of a photograph is no longer proof that it depicts a ‘real’ situation, it could be logically argued that the old adage “a picture is worth 1,000 words” now makes more sense as “a word is worth 1,000 pictures”.

Yesterday’s blog displayed five photographs.  The reader was asked to examine the photos and pick out the single photograph that had been “Photoshopped”.   Today, we are going to do just the opposite.  Again, five photographs are presented, but all of them have been “Photoshopped” except one.  Your job – find the real one.  Also, I have attached a descriptive narrative to help you in your pursuit.

Temper-tantrum prevention device

TODDLER TEMPER-TANTRUM PREVENTION DEVICE:  All new parents are faced with a common problem that arrives shortly after their newborns – the temper tantrum.  Once it starts, it seems that nothing can satisfy the the youngster, and the screaming, crying, and hissy-fits can go on for hours.  The hysteria can drive new parents insane, deprive them of sleep, and generally create havoc in what previously was a romantic love nest.

Modern child psychology often advises parents to exercise patience, show the baby that he is loved, and give the child toys to occupy his mind.  They also suggest giving the child an oral device (pacifier) to suck on.  This practice, the psychologists believe, can halt the temper-tantrum in a couple of hours.  Professional babysitters agree – especially if the oral device is selected from the “Marquis de Sade” collection.

Scottish Highland cat tossing

CAT TOSSING CHAMPIONSHIPS:  Since the beginning of large scale TV broadcasts of sports in the 1950′s, the world’s sportsfans have been treated to a variety of sporting events, some never knew even existed.  Eclectic events such as the Iditirod dog-sled race, the America’s Cup yacht race, Japanese Sumo wrestling, bird dog field trials, bass fishing tournaments, and (my favorite) women’s beach volleyball have gained large followings.

TV producers never know which events sportsfans are going to enjoy, so they often show short film clips of a new sport on their weekly ‘Sports Report’ programs.  The producers then judge the reaction of the viewing audience and select the most popular for continued coverage.

A recent example of an overnight hit was the broadcast of the “Scottish Highland Cat Tossing Championships” from Edinburgh, Scotland.  The producers explained the instant success of this program by suggesting that nothing is as entertaining to the American audience as watching big burly guys in skirts pitching the pussy.

Combination lock for blonds

TOOLS FOR BLONDES:  It is common knowledge that ‘Women-of-the-Blonde-Persuasion’ are often challenged by devices common in the modern world.  Being a bit of a ‘do-it-yourself’ buff, I often visit my local hardware store to purchase supplies and tools needed for my projects.  It is not uncommon to witness a blonde ‘handi-bimbo’ searching the hardware store for such items as ‘metric hammers’, ‘left handed hacksaws’, ‘double sticky-sided wallpaper’, and a ‘screw undriver’.

I normally give these ladies a wide berth for fear they may seek my assistance in the search for their “objects”.  I cannot imagine anything more embarrassing than walking up to the gruff old fart in the Home Depot ‘Home and Garden Department’ and asking if he can help the blonde lady find a supply of reusable garbage bags.

I think that someone should recognize that an incredible business opportunity is going wanting.  What the world needs is is a catalogue of tools, utensils and household devices specifically tailored to the needs of blondes, Polish handymen, and French engineers.  If someone ever develops this catalogue, I have the perfect product to grace the cover of this speciality catalogue – a “Combination Lock for Blondes”.

Yorky Bareback Riding

YORKY BAREBACK RIDING:  Every professional athlete believes he is the toughest guy in the sport.  Members of the Greenbay Packers football team are never lacking in self-confidence when they take the field for a sixty minute brawl with the Chicago Bears.  Why?  Because they are tough.

Hockey players claim that, pound-for-pound, they are the toughest guys in professional sports.  This claim is vigorously disputed by marathon runners, motocross riders, mountain climbers, bull fighters, weight lifters, boxers, marshal artists, rugby players and bull riders.

But none of these sports command the skill, courage, stamina, or toughness of that special brand of athlete that lays his life on the line in the “Sport of the Titans”  – Yorky Bareback Riding !!!

Redneck Chili Cookoff

REDNECK CHILI COOKOFF:  For those of you who do not live in the southern part of the United States, you may not understand the importance and seriousness given to chili.

Chili, in the deep south, is given the same reverence as squab in fine New York restaurants, escargot in Paris restaurants, seafood in the Pacific northwest and a good steak in Texas.  A good chili receipe has been the root cause for more than one marriage proposal in the state of Georgia.

“Chili Cookoffs” are a common practice in the south, and once a year, the “Championship Chili Cookoff” is held in Biloxi, Mississippi with thousands of people vying for the coveted title of the ‘Best Chili in the South’.  A regrettable by-product of this event, however, is a lime green methane cloud that often hangs over Biloxi for days, folllowing the cookoff.  The good people that service the Porta-Potties at the event have even taken to renting accessories for their portable toilets.

(note: the only real photo in the bunch is the last one)

And, that’s all I have to say about that.

Shambo

Let me say this about that.

You probably have heard them all:  Seeing is believing – What you see is what you get – Beauty is in the eye of the beholder – A picture is worth a thousands words.  Fundamentally, we have been taught since childhood that if we can actually see something, it is an accurate representation of reality.  At one time that may have been true – that is until the invention of “Photoshop” software.

Photographs that have been “Photoshopped” are digitally altered by computer to intermingle aspects of the original photograph, with the imagination of the Photoshop artist – often with hilarious results.  The software is so advanced that most folks cannot detect the original picture from one that has been ‘doctored-up’.  To make matters even more confusing, sometimes unusual photographs are actually real.  In short, we just don’t know what is real – and what is not – anymore.

Frankly, I don’t care.  I enjoy looking at bizarre pictures – whether they are “Photoshopped” or real. Sometimes, just trying to determine whether a photograph is real or fake is half the fun. 

I have attached a few photographs that have been drawn from public web sites that I think are kinda cool.  All these pictures are real – except one.  Just for fun, try to pick the one fake photograph out of the group.  In addition, I have added a little explanatory background narrative with each photo to help you find the fake one.

World's greatest invention

Inventive genius:  Dr. Ty Coon tells us that his father always supported his ambition to become an inventor.  He says his father instructed him to simply “build a better mousetrap, and the world will beat a path to your door.” 

Dr. Coon struggled for years trying to invent elegant, scientific solutions to many of life’s problems.  He tried to invent a time machine – he tried to invent a perpetual motion machine – he searched for a cure for cancer – he even dabbled with a secret formula for female Viagra – all to no avail. 

Then, one day he had his great epiphany!  What the world’s office workers needed was a pencil sharpener that reflected their true feelings about their job.  And viola’, success!  Thanks to Dr. Coon, no office worker will be burdened by a drawer-full of dull pencils ever again.

Sure-fire dating web site photo

Sure-fire dating web-site:  On of the fastest growing segments of the internet are web sites that cater to single people who are looking for dates or possibly even more long term relationships.

 The more credible web sites require each person to register with the site administrator and complete a lengthy questionnaire.  These questionnaires are often constructed in such a way as to ensure each applicant reveals his or her true personality, character, and attributes – good and bad.

These questionnaires can be quite complex and often reveal certain aspects of the applicant’s lifestyle that he or she does not want exposed to potential mates.  Sensing a business opportunity, a consulting company is now providing a new service that helps dating site applicants complete their questionnaires in such a way as to accentuate their positive attributes, while minimizing their faults. One of their earlier clients complained his ‘manhood’ was too small.  The consultants recommended he enclose this photo with his application.

New-age parenting

New-age parenting:  We have all experienced it.  The stress of modern living can often be so intense that it can be debilitating.  Simply getting through the day often is so fraught with anxiety that it affects the human body physically as well as emotionally. 

Bringing a child into this world of stress, trepidation, hypertension, anxiety, and consternation can traumatize even the parents, let alone the poor children.  Today’s kids must rapidly learn how to handle the modern world and grow-up much faster than the generations that preceded them.

But modern parents understand this requirement and have adopted “New-Age” parenting techniques that help their young offspring adjust to the complexities of twenty-first century society.  And, more often that not, these parenting techniques are based on the premise that: “the earlier the child is exposed to the harsh realities of life, the better off they are going to be.” 

Leniffer Lopez's baby daughter

Jennifer Lopez family photo album:  Jennifer Lopez - also widely known as “J.Lo” - is one of today’s top Hollywood movie actresses.  She has starred in such movies as “Jersey Girl” with Ben Alleck, “The Wedding Planner”  with Matthew   McConaughey, “MonsterInLaw”, with Jane Fonda and “Out of Sight” with George Clooney.

The multi-talented Lopez also has a world class singing voice and has sold millions of albums recorded in both English and Spanish.  Her first two albums “On the 6″ and “J.Lo” sold more than 10 million copies within weeks of their release.  The business world has not escaped the charms of Ms. Lopez either.  She now claims her own brand of perfume, a line of swimwear and a private-labeled vaginal lubricant.

However, even with all her obvious talent, Jennifer Lopez is best known for her unbelievably FANTASTIC ass.  Ms. Lopez takes no credit for her ample and beautifully shaped derriere’, but claims comes from her family genes.  As proof, she often shows a photo, taken at the beach, of her three year-old daughter .

PLEASE!! Don't put me in that car !!

Hell no – we won’t go:  It seems that it is an integral part of life that we are often forced to do things that we simply DO NOT want to do. 

As  children, we never wanted to go to bed.  As teenagers, we never wanted to be in by 11:00pm.  As young adults, we never wanted to use condoms.  When we grew into our mid twenties, we never wanted to save our money for a rainy day, rather than buying a hot new car.  When middle age came along, we never wanted to give up smoking and fatty foods in favor of a healther lifestyle.  And as senior citizens, we never wanted to get our fat asses out of our ‘Laz-E-Boy’ chair and take that much-needed walk in the park. 

So, is it so far-fetched to feel empathy for the poor crash dummy for not wanting to go to work every morning?

(note: the only fake photo in this article is in the ‘New-Age Parenting’ description)

And, that’s all I have to say about that.

Shambo

A few of Tiger's ho's

Let me say this about that.

Oh, Tiger, Tiger, Tiger.  You have really ‘shat-in-your-hat’ this time.  Word has it that your D-I-V-O-R-C-E is final and, as part of the settlement, you have agreed to pay your ex-wife a whopping $700,000,000 dollars!!  I’m no economist, but I believe that amount exceeds the gross national product of Bolivia.

That dollar amount is such an outrageous number, I have trouble truly comprehending how much money that is.  The only way my tiny little brain can get it’s tiny little arms around a number that big is to break it down into much smaller pieces. In other words, doing the math.  Let’s start with a few obvious calculations:

Woody (pardon the pun) and his ex-wife were married just short of six years.  That means that Woods has paid his…    (more…)

Let me say this about that.

Damn – damn – damn!!!  How many reality shows do we have to endure?  Is there nothing worth showing on network TV these days other than these inane, hollow, crap-fests? 

Cooking reality shows, dating reality shows, stupid game reality shows, home video reality shows, survival skills reality shows, real housewife (yeah, right) reality shows, talent scout reality shows, decorating reality shows, house remodeling reality shows, antique appraisal reality shows, car auction reality shows, motorcycle building reality shows, auto repossession reality shows, bounty hunter reality shows, cop reality shows.

Reality shows – reality shows – reality shows – reality shows – and guess what?  MORE REALITY SHOWS !!!!  Please, somebody just shoot me.

For you imbecilic, banana-headed boobs out there who actually enjoy reality shows, I have a “Life-Choice” option for you: …. either 1)…    (more…)

Let me say this about that.

Do you remember when you were in school, or in some class at work, and the instructor asked if anyone in the class had a question?  Usually no one asked a question for fear of looking stupid in front of the rest of the class.  Of course, we always had questions, but we relied on someone else asking ‘our’ question and taking the risk of looking stupid.  Apparently, it is embedded in the human DNA to prefer ignorance over the appearance of looking stupid.

This was reinforced through our early school years by kids laughing at us in class for ‘asking a stupid question’.  And later on in adulthood, in a training class phenomenon made famous by a quotation from Mark Twain:

“It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear as a fool, than open it and…    (more…)

Dale Junior - Mayonnaise Salesman

Let me say this about that.

NASCAR fans get a lot of flack for being a bunch of ignorant, tobacco chewing, pick-up truck driving rednecks.  I vehemently disagree !!  In fact, I have devised an IQ test to measure the intelligence of NASCAR fans which I believe will lay to rest the reputation – for good –  that NASCAR fans are just a bunch of hicks.  The IQ test consists of only five multiple-choice questions (answers are below):

1) Which has the greater mathematical possibility of occurring?

a) The Loch Ness Monster being found in the Mississippi River.

b) A new Ice Age beginning next Thursday.

c) Elvis discovered working in Las Vegas as a Michael Jackson impersonator.

d) Dale Earnhardt Jr winning a NASCAR race within the next year.

 

2) Which of the following persons can be said to be living lives solely based on “HOPE” and “FAITH”?

a) Billy Graham.

b) The Pope.

c) Barack Obama.

d) Dale Earnhardt Jr fans…    (more…)

Not a good idea.

Let me say this about that.

I am sick and tired of people who give advice in  “Advice Columns”.  It’s usually some dried-up old prune giving advice to a whiney-ass woman who has discovered that her man actually prefers to sleep with someone who has a pulse.  It generally goes something like this:

Dear Ann:  “My husband has been ignoring me lately and I don’t think he loves me anymore.  It’s true that I have let myself go and I admit that I fly into a rage whenever he tries to watch his football games.  I have been trying to control my ‘gorilla-farts’ at night but I do love my pork rinds and beer before bedtime.  The last time we had sex was during the Kennedy administration but I just haven’t been in the mood.  He seems really pissed that I maxed-out all his credit cards, but he has been really cold since my older brother moved in with us after he was released from prison.  Ann, do you think a new hairdo might help my problem?” … ‘Confused in Detroit’

Dear Confused:  “I am shocked that you must endure living with such an ogre.  None of your problems are your fault.  You should begin each morning by looking into the mirror and repeating ‘ I am the perfect woman’.  Your future happiness can be insured by buying my new book entitled ‘ It’s not my fault’ for the low price of $69.99.  Now indulge yourself with that new hairdo.  You go girl !! ” … ‘ Ann Panders’.

WHAT A LOAD OF CRAP !!!

Why is it always the guy’s fault?  Has there ever been a single ‘man/woman’ relationship problem – in the entire world – that wasn’t the guy’s fault ???  I think us guys have been getting a…    (more…)

Nose Hair Removal Device

Let me say this about that.

To quote that great American philosopher – Yogi Berra - “The future ain’t what it used to be.”  Those of us who believe that you must invest your money in order to ensure a secure financial future have been taking a real beating the last few years.  The stock market has become less stable than Oprah’s waistline.  The real estate market in Afghanistan is in better shape than in America.  Banks are paying less than 1% interest on savings accounts and CD’s.

Just where is a safe, reliable, and profitable place to invest your savings, given that all the traditional avenues of investment are in the toilet?  This question is important to every middle aged citizen – but is downright compelling to all of us living on a fixed income (and by ‘fixed’, I mean fixed at ‘ZERO’ !!).

I decided that I shouldn’t bitch about this dilemma unless I have given my best effort to solve the problem. As such, I have constructed a few investment opportunities for those who are dissatisfied with the old traditional, non-performing investment schemes.  And, in no particular order, here they are…    (more…)