Bored engineers - not good

Let me say this about that.

I was watching the “College Game Day”  program on TV last Saturday in preparation for a glorious day of holding down the couch and watching football.  During the preview of the Michigan State - Notre Dame game there was a segment that showed a group of students on the front lawn of a fraternity house on the Michigan State campus.  The fraternity had towed a junk car onto their lawn, painted it in Notre Dame colors and were encouraging the Spartan faithful to pound the hell out of the car with sledge hammers.

I think the car was a 1985  Nissan, which was made out of an alloy of pig iron and Kryptonite, and is basically indestructible.  Anyway, not much damage was done to the car, no Notre Dame fans fainted from shock, and the Michigan State fraternity guys came off looking like a bunch weenie-boys.  This effeminate display got me to thinking about college life for the current ‘politically correct’ generation and how much it has changed since I attended college.

I went to college at one of the toughest engineering schools in the country.  Basically it was 4+ years of hell on earth.  I rarely got more than four hours of sleep a night, worked my butt off seven days a week, and felt lucky to carry a C+ to a B- average.  When a rare chance to have a little fun came along, we cut it loose like we had been given a ‘death row’ pardon.  The “beating the hell out of a car with a sledge hammer” on the Michigan State campus last weekend reminded me of a similar college prank when I was a sophomore – way back before the age of political correctness – back when college pranks could be lethal.

The year was 1965 and a fraternity had towed a 1952 Ford Victoria onto their front lawn, painted it with our football rival’s colors, and were charging a dime (remember 45 years ago a dime was real money) to smash the car with a 9-pound sledge hammer.  Great fun … for about ten minutes.  A crowd of fifty or so engineers standing around watching some guy slug an inanimate object with a hammer gets boring in a hurry.  So, someone in this gaggle of geeks decided to kick things up a notch.

Within minutes the junk car was engulfed in flames and the rancid smell of burning Naugahyde was burning our eyes.  BUT, this was infinately more entertaining than watching a car being bludgeoned to death.  As the flames started to scorch the leaves from overhanging trees, we could here the sound of sirens headed our way.

By the time the fire engine pulled up, the crowd had swelled to over a hundred guys chanting “GO Tech – GO Tech”, presumably in reference to the upcoming football game.  It took only a few minutes to extenguish the blaze and the fire truck returned to the fire house, leaving faux leather Naugahyde-covered seats and headliner a hodgepodge of charred debris.

By this time, there were about 200 engineers standing around, now more bored than ever.  Bordom and engineers are a lethal combination.

Not ten minutes after the fire engine had left the scene, some enterprising young techno-nerd solved the problem by soaking an old disgarded tire in lighter fluid and tossed it into the charred Ford – along with a marine emergency flare.  WOW !!!  The fire was really going now – and the smoke, jeez !!!  This bulbous cloud of grey-black smoke enveloped an entire city block forcing the growing crowd to move upwind.

Five minutes later the fire truck re-appeared, accompanied by a red sedan driven by the local fire chief.  After a few thousands gallons of water were sprayed inside the poor Ford, the fire chief climbed on top of the truck and produced a bull-horn.

“OK fellows, you have had your fun, now break it up and and go back to your studies.”

Yeah, right.

Five hundred of us watched as the fire chief’s sedan and the pumper truck rounded the corner -  quickly replaced by a dozen of our brothers carrying a couple of ‘railroad ties’ from a nearby abandoned railroad yard.  ‘Railroad ties’ are huge wooden railroad track foundations, 9″ x 7″ in girth and 8 1/2 feet long.  But the fun part is that they are pressure treated in Creosote, a coal-tar substance that waterproofs the wood - and is flammable as hell !

Into the Ford go the railroad ties, followed by a water-balloon filled with gasoline, followed by a bottle rocket – a truly ingenious method of adding an accelerant to a fuel supply, followed by a damn clever method of remote ignition.

KA-BOOM!!!

We thought the burning tire had produced a lot of smoke, but this was in a whole other league.  The smoke was so thick it was knocking birds out of the sky.  Flames leaped forty feet into the air, igniting the overhanging oak tree.  The crowd had swelled to well over a thousand – totally entertained – engineers chanting an odd verse from “The Wizard of Oz”  and pointing toward the old Ford.

“Ding dong, the witch is dead.  The wicked witch is dead.”

Unbelievable !  I was back in 1692 at the ‘Salem witchcraft trials’  and we were burning a 1952 Ford Victoria at the stake.  This gruesome mental picture faded at the sound of sirens approaching  – again.  This time the fire chief was accompanied by two fire engines and three police cars.

Uh-Oh.

The fire did not die so easily this time.  After all, Creosote makes wood waterproof - from fire hoses as well as rainfall.  But after twenty minutes or so, the last of the smoke and flame disappeared as the police chief took his turn atop the fire engine with the bull horn.

“Now listen, you freakin’ little delinquents.  We’ve had about enough of this crap.  Somebody is gonna get hurt.  If we have to come back out here, we’re gonna take the lot of you to jail – got that !?!?

Now you have to understand something here.  Guys become engineers because they live for challenge.  If it’s not a damn-near impossible task, it just isn’t fun.  And here, my friends, was the ultimate challenge.  Set the evil Ford Victoria aflame one more time, and you become a near diety to the growing crowd of the ‘Brotherhood of Geeks’.  But get caught, and you go to jail on felony charges, to say nothing of getting expelled from school.

It was just too much to resist, and I had the perfect partner.

My roommate was a Chemical Engineer, a more dark and depraved profession than dentistry.  He and I skulked away from the crowd while our brothers vented their indignation at the police chief’s threat, and showered his departure with hoots and jeers of derision.  My roomie and I crept into the second floor lab of the chemistry building and jimmied open the chemical locker.  There we found the base element of the impending fame and adoration of our peers – ‘powdered magnesium.’

For those of you not familiar with powdered magnesium, suffice to say it was the primary component in the explosives used to fire-bomb Tokyo during World War II.  When ignited, a coffee cup full of the stuff will bring down a house.

Oh yeah baby, this should do the trick !!

Returning to the site of the Ford Victoria execution, we found some 2,000 of America’s future engineers huddled around an unrecognizable hunk of metal and whispering to one another about the possibility of further ignitions.  My roommate tossed a Mason jar, half filled with the powered magnesium, into the remains of the car and shouted for the hushed crowd to “RUN FOR YOUR LIFE !!!”

At this point, simply setting the old Ford on fire would have been rewarded with yawns, so a degree of aplomb was called for.  With the crowd safely set back 20 yards, I produced a “Cherry-Bomb” fire-cracker and a ‘sling shot’.  I placed the “Cherry-Bomb” into the sling, my roomie lit the fuse and I fired the “Cherry-Bomb” at the magnesium covered old car.  This was a method of remote detonation that even the Taliban could appreciate, and at only 20 yards, a hit was pretty much assured.  After 3 or 4 seconds, the fire-cracker went off – followed by an explosion that could be measured my most of the seismographs in the southeastern United States, and producing a fireball of intense white and blue light.

The mushroom cloud that followed the fireball would have been the perfect ending to this stunt – had it not been for the oak tree being blown out of the ground and falling on top of the corpse of the long-dead Ford Victoria.

This act was NOT going to be followed.

After the explosion, the crowd evaporated as quickly as ‘the car formally known as Ford’, fully understanding that the police chief would make good on his word.  When the expected gaggle of police, fire, and emergency vehicles arrived, they found nothing other than a charred spot on the ground where the Ford once sat - and a dead oak tree. A group of subsequent police interviewers found only a bunch of nerdy-looking, bleary-eyed engineering students with their noses firmly planted in their physics books.

So, to you ‘good fellows’ on today’s college campuses, I say to you …..  if you want to pull a prank suited for real men, go find yourself an engineer.

And, that’s all I have to say about that.

Shambo

BBQ'd raccoon - mmmmmm

Let me say this about that.

Every so often, we hear a story that shakes our confidence that man is really at the top of the food chain.  There was the recent news coverage of the lady in the Florida Keys who caused an accident while driving down the highway as she shaved her “coochie”.  But hell, everyone living in the Keys is a little off-center.  Then, there was the bill introduced into the Florida legislature last year that would make it unlawful for humans to have sex with  alligators, but aren’t all politicians busy with crucial legislation such as this?

But now, we are confronted by the startling revelation that all NASCAR fans may not be candidates for membership in MENSA.  Shocking really, as NASCAR fans paint themselves as the prototype for ‘real Americans.’  But if this latest story is true, I’m afraid that we all might have to start taking banjo lessons.

Shortly after the completion of this years NASCAR race in Bristol, Tennessee, a 27 year old race fan was arrested for ‘streaking’  through a convenience store parking lot. First of all, this incident proves that NASCAR fans are about thirty years behind the latest fad.  ‘Streaking’ was abandoned by most of the civilized world back in the 70′s, but one explanation might be that this young man lived in West Virginia.

And, yes, there was alcohol involved which added a charge of “public drunkenness” to “indecent exposure”.  Much of this might have been written off as the bad judgement of youth, but then things got really weird.  Waiting in the car for the young man to complete a couple of nude victory laps around the convenience store parking lot, was his girlfriend – and…    (more…)

Let me say this about that.

Human beings are a funny lot.  We seem to think we understand the world we live in quite clearly.  However, as I have aged, I am beginning to see that I don’t ‘really’ understand a helluva lot.  Allow me to illustrate.

How do you make a question mark in Chinese? One must presume that the billion or so Chinese people in the world occasionally ask a question.  Sometimes they probably even reduce their question to writing.  How are they able to tell the difference between the same phrase (one expressed as a question and one expressed as a statement) – without a Chinese question mark?  For example …. “You need fortune cookie” (a statement extolling the virtues of the possession of a fortune cookie) – versus - “You need fortune cookie?” (a question concerning your desire to possess a fortune cookie).  Hell for that matter, when is the last time you saw quotation marks in Chinese.  Hmmmm.

How did dinosaurs mate? Unless you are a believer in the literal interpretation of the Old Testament, the beginnings of life on this planet become a bigger mystery with every new paleontological discovery.  For example, dinosaurs roamed the earth for over 180 million years.  That’s 10 times longer than the number of years the human race has lived here.  One has to assume that dinosaurs were a hearty breed, capable of overcoming all sorts of challenges to procreate and thrive.  But, I have never heard a explanation of how dinosaurs mated.  You know they had to “do it” to be able to make little dinosaurs for 180 million years.  But how would (for example) a male ‘Argentinosarus’, that was 120 feet long from head-to-tail, and weighing in at 200,000 pounds, go about mounting a female?  I mean, just getting past her…    (more…)

Barbie: "Got meat?"

Let me say this about that.

Just let me get this out.  I am sick to death of turning on the TV and instantly seeing Barack Obama blathering on about some new miracle he is going to perform for the American people.  This guy spends more time on television than the ‘OxyClean’ pitchman or that other annoying asshole …. “my name is Doug and I have mesothelioma.” Obama has spent his entire first term in the White House actively campaigning for a second term – or – going on vacation.  Well I’ve had it.  I’ve turned off the TV and have taken up web-surfing as my primary method of wasting time.

As it turns out, web surfing can produce a treasure trove of interesting stuff – especially if you are a serious player of ‘Trivial Pursuit’. For example, the national debt has been getting a lot of coverage lately.  Did you know that in 1789, the entire national debt of these United States was a paltry $190,000?  Today, the average household debt (for just one family) is $118,000 !!!  As for the current national debt, fahgetaboutit  …… it’s somewhere north of a gazillion billion quadrillion dollars.

Oh, here’s an interesting fact.  It seems that 80% of all the past winners of the ‘Publisher’s Clearing House’ $10 million give-away, did not buy any magazines.  Is that cool, or what?  Makes you wonder why they do it.

There are a lot of interesting facts concerning languages.  It is a little known fact that the shortest complete sentence in the English language is ………….    (more…)

Let me say this about that.

I must admit that I am not a particularly religious guy.  To me, organized religion seems to be all about forcing narrow, single-minded dogma down our throats.  Organized religion always takes the position that their particular credo is correct, and all other beliefs are corrupt.  But one thing they all have in common is the belief in a “Higher Power”. Lack of any physical evidence of this “Higher Power” does not seem to deter the believers of any organized religion, although it is one of the many things that keep me from ‘signing-up’.

That is until this past Sunday when I had an experience that convinced me of the existence of a “Higher Power”. How, I reasoned, could an event such as this take place without the intervention of a ‘Supreme Being’? How could such a series of seemingly unrelated occurrences align themselves perfectly to provide an outcome so sublimely ethereal without the guidance of a Grand Master?

Let me explain.

Everyone on the planet is familiar with the saga of Tiger Woods.  Woods is – or was – one of the premier golf talents in the world.  As it turns out, he is also one of the world’s great liars.  He has replaced Bill Clinton as the preeminent narcissist in America.  As for temperament, it has been said that if there were a personality contest between Tiger Woods and a ‘Pet Rock’,   (more…)

Congress 'misspeaking'

Let me say this about that.

Like most Americans I have been watching the “Great Monkey Grab-Ass Show” performed by our nation’s leaders in Washington, as they negotiate a settlement to the current debt/budget crisis.  To give you guys a summary of what has been happening (just in case you actually have a life and don’t waste much of it watching a collection of our best ‘village idiots’ take a big crap on our great nation), just imagine this ………  A lit stick of dynamite (our economy) is being tossed back and forth between two drunk monkeys (the Democratic leadership and the Republican leadership), while a third drunk monkey (the Tea Party) is squirting mace into the eyes of the other two drunk monkeys.

OK, I might be dressing it up a bit to make it more rational than it really is, but you get the idea. The monkeys show no concern about the inevitable explosion of the dynamite – just as long as it explodes in the hands of the other monkey. The third monkey shows no concern about the inevitable explosion of the dynamite, because he knows it’s going to go ‘KA-BOOM’ and he is going to get none of the blame.  COOL !!!

Anyway, the nation’s press expressed this dilemma in this morning’s newspaper with headlines that read:

“Nation’s Leaders Reach Loggerheads Over Budget Crisis.”

Now I have a question – what the hell does that mean?

There are 535 people serving in the Congress that have been negotiating for over a year to stave-off the impending economic doom of the United States of America, and the net result of over 500 man-years of work is that they have succeeded in reaching “Loggerheads”.

OK, another question: “When is the last time you used the word ‘loggerhead’ in a conversation with one of your buddies?

“That’s right Fred, Martha and me drove on past Peoria about half a day ’til we reached ‘Loggerheads’.

Our good public servants in Washington do not speak English like you and I.  They speak a language so obscure that they could speak for an hour without actually   (more…)

Oprah's on the right

Let me say this about that.

OH MY GOD!!!!  Oprah Winfrey is hanging it up after being the queen of daytime talk shows for twenty-five years.  She  has instructed bored housewives how to act and what to think for over a quarter century.  Now, there is no daytime sheepdog to herd the flock.

Last week, we had a minor scare when Rev. Harold Camping predicted the world would come to an end on Saturday, May 21.  Not many people believed him and nothing unusual happened, of course.  But, ask most women in the U.S. and they will tell you that the passing of the ‘Oprah Show’ represents the true and authoritative ‘Apocalypse’. 

“How”, they ask, “will we ever be able to carry on without Oprah explaining the obvious?”   “How will we ever be able to conduct our lives without solid advice from Oprah protege, Dr. Phil, like … You don’t need a sack of hammers to skin a gopher?”   “What can we watch now, that will invoke a good cry in the afternoon?”

I have a suggestion …… get a friggin’ life!!

Oprah Winfrey’s own life has not exactly been a model to emulate.  She is a college dropout who had an illegitimate child at the age of 14.  And, being a daytime talk show host and ‘wannabe’ actress in ‘B-movies’ all her life, she has never had any meaningful work experience.  Like many other blood-suckers in public life, she is respected because she is   (more…)

May 21, 2011

Let me say this about that.

Well, I don’t have much time before the world ends, so I thought I should knock-out one more blog before the Apocalypse.  I know the world will end tonight at 6:00pm because I have been assured by an ordained minister that it’s gonna happen.

The minister’s name is Harold Camping.  Camping runs a huge religious media “Church”  in Oakland, CA and has busied himself this last year by posting billboards all around the globe predicting the “End-of-Days”.  ‘Ol Harold says he calculated the 5/21/11 doomsday by studying the Bible.  One might have expected that the exact date the world ends would be of huge interest to most of us and that someone would have made these calculations long before now.  Apparently Rev. Camping saw something in the Bible that everyone else has overlooked for some 2,000 years.  Way to go, Harold!!

I read the story about Rev. Camping and his prediction on the internet (even more proof that his story must be true).  The article contained exacting detail on the precise time Camping says the world will end … 6:00pm.  But wait!  That’s not 6:00pm Eastern Standard Time … it’s 6:00pm, local time.  Apparently God has a great deal of respect for…    (more…)

Tiger Woods - master whiner

Let me say this about that.

whine:  [hwahyn, wahyn] – verb. To utter, in a nasal tone, unfounded complaints.  To snivel in a peevish and self-pitying way.  To accuse, without basis, someone else for one’s own self-created problems.

They have been with us all our lives – WHINERS.  In grammar school there was always some kid who complained: “…. somebody pushed me …. the dog ate my homework …. he doesn’t play fair …. she’s the teacher’s pet”.  When you became an adult, there was always someone in the office complaining: “…. I didn’t get the promotion because of office politics …. she slept her way to the top …. he’s a brown-noser …. he got promoted because he’s a minority”.

But, let me set you straight folks, and this is the truest thing you will ever hear.  There are no bigger whiners anywhere than in professional sports.  If you are looking for a tried and true formula in pro sports it looks something like this:   “The bigger the income and the lower the IQ, the bigger the whiner”.

Next to pro athletes, Charlie Sheen looks like…    (more…)

Future food stamp dispensary

Let me say this about that.

If we were to conduct an on-line poll to find the goofiest state in the union, Florida would win hands down.  Not even the residents of California can compete with the daffy, dippy, ditzy, dopey citizens of the Sunshine State when it comes to irrational behavior.  Is there any doubt why Walt Disney chose Florida and California as the first places to build his fantasy-oriented amusement parks?  “Reality”  is an ephemeral concept in both states, but Florida is in a league of it’s own.

To find the “Alpha-Dogs-of-the-Deranged” in Florida, one merely needs to find the nearest politician.  Florida politicians have passed laws that have saved it’s citizens from such diverse dangers as having sex with alligators, singing in a public place while attired in a bathing suit, and confining pregnant pigs in…    (more…)