Mitchell Tice

Let me say this about that.

In this land of political correctness, where every child is ‘special’, where communication forbids the utterance of words that begin with certain letters, and where ‘real’ people have faded into a vanilla existence dictated by the emergence of the wimpy generation ….. thank God for the Florida Keys !!!

The Florida Keys is an archipelago that stretches 140 miles from Miami south to the village of Key West .  It consists of hundreds of small islands inhabited by birds, tropical plants, and some of the craziest sons-of-bitches you will ever meet.  The local population is so diverse as to defy description as a group.  Most, however, share one common trait – they are all weird.

I share the following stories to make my point:

About a year ago, South Florida CBS affliate, WFOR filed the following story about a traffic accident in the southern Keys.  According to the news report, one Megan Barnes was charged in the accident with a number of offenses.  The TV station reported that Megan plowed into the backend of a pickup truck while shaving her – uh – ‘coochie’. 

But this is the Keys.  Shaving one’s ‘glory hole’ while driving is not all that weird for this part of the world.  What makes this story weird is…    the fact that her ex-husband was steering the car from the passenger side when the wreck occurred.  Add the fact that she was driving to meet her new boyfriend and the weirdness factor begins to rise to what one might expect in the Keys.

Oh, but wait.  There’s more.

Apparently, sweet Megan left the scene of the accident and drove some distance down the road before being caught by sheriff’s deputies.  Upon capture, Megan’s story that her ex-husband was driving was debunked by bruises on her ex’s chest from the only airbag that inflated – on the passenger’s side.  Megan’s bit of creative revisionist history prompted police to check further into her record and found that – just one day before – she had been convicted of a DUI,  had no valid driver’s license, and had no auto insurance.

True, Megan Barnes broke every traffic law on the books in just a blink of an eye, but let’s give credit where credit is due.  How many women do you know who are persuasive enough to talk their ex-husband into steering a car while she prepares for an upcoming date with her boyfriend by ‘trimming the bushes’ ?

And then there is the recent case reported by the ‘Keynoter’, a twice weekly newspaper published in Key West.  Now all teenagers are stupid, but in the Keys, they grow them stupider (is that a word?).  The newspaper reports that 18 year-old Ryan Tomita was just a tad too revealing on his latest Facebook entry when he posted:  “If you ask me, Ima tell you crime pays.”  Ryan, apparently believes he is cloaked in a veil of invisibility and that his Facebook site is read by only his punky little ‘Facebook Friends’.  I must believe that Ryan, as he sits in jail tonight with 37 counts of burglary lodged against him, is still trying to figure out how he was caught. 

Ryan, you stupid little twit.  You admitted to commiting crimes on the internet.  They call it ‘Facebook’ because it contains a picture of …. wait for it – wait for it …. your FACE !!!

Then there is the saga of Mitchell Tice, reported by the Time Warner owned web site “The Smoking Gun”.  Mitchell, age 40, was pursuing a promising career as a breakfast short order cook in a Florida Keys greasy-spoon.  One day Mitchell’s girlfriend found a bag of dildos in their trailer hidden under their bed.  The girlfriend, one Pshantel Scott (you just can’t make up names like this), age 38, had a number of options available to her, but the one she chose was to call the police. 

Upon questioning Pshantel, and subsequently Mitchell, the police were able to obtain a confession from the budding short-order cook that he, indeed, had removed a number of items from a storage trailer owned by his boss.  Among the items were a laptop, a wig, and the aforementioned bag of dildos.

Now, I have only one question for the readers:  “What can a 40 year-old short order cook do with a laptop, a wig and a bag of dildos?”

It boggles the mind.

And, that’s all I have to say about that.

Shambo