Let me say this about that.

Human beings are a funny lot.  We seem to think we understand the world we live in quite clearly.  However, as I have aged, I am beginning to see that I don’t ‘really’ understand a helluva lot.  Allow me to illustrate.

How do you make a question mark in Chinese? One must presume that the billion or so Chinese people in the world occasionally ask a question.  Sometimes they probably even reduce their question to writing.  How are they able to tell the difference between the same phrase (one expressed as a question and one expressed as a statement) – without a Chinese question mark?  For example …. “You need fortune cookie” (a statement extolling the virtues of the possession of a fortune cookie) – versus - “You need fortune cookie?” (a question concerning your desire to possess a fortune cookie).  Hell for that matter, when is the last time you saw quotation marks in Chinese.  Hmmmm.

How did dinosaurs mate? Unless you are a believer in the literal interpretation of the Old Testament, the beginnings of life on this planet become a bigger mystery with every new paleontological discovery.  For example, dinosaurs roamed the earth for over 180 million years.  That’s 10 times longer than the number of years the human race has lived here.  One has to assume that dinosaurs were a hearty breed, capable of overcoming all sorts of challenges to procreate and thrive.  But, I have never heard a explanation of how dinosaurs mated.  You know they had to “do it” to be able to make little dinosaurs for 180 million years.  But how would (for example) a male ‘Argentinosarus’, that was 120 feet long from head-to-tail, and weighing in at 200,000 pounds, go about mounting a female?  I mean, just getting past her…    (more…)

Barbie: "Got meat?"

Let me say this about that.

Just let me get this out.  I am sick to death of turning on the TV and instantly seeing Barack Obama blathering on about some new miracle he is going to perform for the American people.  This guy spends more time on television than the ‘OxyClean’ pitchman or that other annoying asshole …. “my name is Doug and I have mesothelioma.” Obama has spent his entire first term in the White House actively campaigning for a second term – or – going on vacation.  Well I’ve had it.  I’ve turned off the TV and have taken up web-surfing as my primary method of wasting time.

As it turns out, web surfing can produce a treasure trove of interesting stuff – especially if you are a serious player of ‘Trivial Pursuit’. For example, the national debt has been getting a lot of coverage lately.  Did you know that in 1789, the entire national debt of these United States was a paltry $190,000?  Today, the average household debt (for just one family) is $118,000 !!!  As for the current national debt, fahgetaboutit  …… it’s somewhere north of a gazillion billion quadrillion dollars.

Oh, here’s an interesting fact.  It seems that 80% of all the past winners of the ‘Publisher’s Clearing House’ $10 million give-away, did not buy any magazines.  Is that cool, or what?  Makes you wonder why they do it.

There are a lot of interesting facts concerning languages.  It is a little known fact that the shortest complete sentence in the English language is ………….    (more…)

Let me say this about that.

I must admit that I am not a particularly religious guy.  To me, organized religion seems to be all about forcing narrow, single-minded dogma down our throats.  Organized religion always takes the position that their particular credo is correct, and all other beliefs are corrupt.  But one thing they all have in common is the belief in a “Higher Power”. Lack of any physical evidence of this “Higher Power” does not seem to deter the believers of any organized religion, although it is one of the many things that keep me from ‘signing-up’.

That is until this past Sunday when I had an experience that convinced me of the existence of a “Higher Power”. How, I reasoned, could an event such as this take place without the intervention of a ‘Supreme Being’? How could such a series of seemingly unrelated occurrences align themselves perfectly to provide an outcome so sublimely ethereal without the guidance of a Grand Master?

Let me explain.

Everyone on the planet is familiar with the saga of Tiger Woods.  Woods is – or was – one of the premier golf talents in the world.  As it turns out, he is also one of the world’s great liars.  He has replaced Bill Clinton as the preeminent narcissist in America.  As for temperament, it has been said that if there were a personality contest between Tiger Woods and a ‘Pet Rock’,   (more…)

Congress 'misspeaking'

Let me say this about that.

Like most Americans I have been watching the “Great Monkey Grab-Ass Show” performed by our nation’s leaders in Washington, as they negotiate a settlement to the current debt/budget crisis.  To give you guys a summary of what has been happening (just in case you actually have a life and don’t waste much of it watching a collection of our best ‘village idiots’ take a big crap on our great nation), just imagine this ………  A lit stick of dynamite (our economy) is being tossed back and forth between two drunk monkeys (the Democratic leadership and the Republican leadership), while a third drunk monkey (the Tea Party) is squirting mace into the eyes of the other two drunk monkeys.

OK, I might be dressing it up a bit to make it more rational than it really is, but you get the idea. The monkeys show no concern about the inevitable explosion of the dynamite – just as long as it explodes in the hands of the other monkey. The third monkey shows no concern about the inevitable explosion of the dynamite, because he knows it’s going to go ‘KA-BOOM’ and he is going to get none of the blame.  COOL !!!

Anyway, the nation’s press expressed this dilemma in this morning’s newspaper with headlines that read:

“Nation’s Leaders Reach Loggerheads Over Budget Crisis.”

Now I have a question – what the hell does that mean?

There are 535 people serving in the Congress that have been negotiating for over a year to stave-off the impending economic doom of the United States of America, and the net result of over 500 man-years of work is that they have succeeded in reaching “Loggerheads”.

OK, another question: “When is the last time you used the word ‘loggerhead’ in a conversation with one of your buddies?

“That’s right Fred, Martha and me drove on past Peoria about half a day ’til we reached ‘Loggerheads’.

Our good public servants in Washington do not speak English like you and I.  They speak a language so obscure that they could speak for an hour without actually   (more…)

Oprah's on the right

Let me say this about that.

OH MY GOD!!!!  Oprah Winfrey is hanging it up after being the queen of daytime talk shows for twenty-five years.  She  has instructed bored housewives how to act and what to think for over a quarter century.  Now, there is no daytime sheepdog to herd the flock.

Last week, we had a minor scare when Rev. Harold Camping predicted the world would come to an end on Saturday, May 21.  Not many people believed him and nothing unusual happened, of course.  But, ask most women in the U.S. and they will tell you that the passing of the ‘Oprah Show’ represents the true and authoritative ‘Apocalypse’. 

“How”, they ask, “will we ever be able to carry on without Oprah explaining the obvious?”   “How will we ever be able to conduct our lives without solid advice from Oprah protege, Dr. Phil, like … You don’t need a sack of hammers to skin a gopher?”   “What can we watch now, that will invoke a good cry in the afternoon?”

I have a suggestion …… get a friggin’ life!!

Oprah Winfrey’s own life has not exactly been a model to emulate.  She is a college dropout who had an illegitimate child at the age of 14.  And, being a daytime talk show host and ‘wannabe’ actress in ‘B-movies’ all her life, she has never had any meaningful work experience.  Like many other blood-suckers in public life, she is respected because she is   (more…)

May 21, 2011

Let me say this about that.

Well, I don’t have much time before the world ends, so I thought I should knock-out one more blog before the Apocalypse.  I know the world will end tonight at 6:00pm because I have been assured by an ordained minister that it’s gonna happen.

The minister’s name is Harold Camping.  Camping runs a huge religious media “Church”  in Oakland, CA and has busied himself this last year by posting billboards all around the globe predicting the “End-of-Days”.  ‘Ol Harold says he calculated the 5/21/11 doomsday by studying the Bible.  One might have expected that the exact date the world ends would be of huge interest to most of us and that someone would have made these calculations long before now.  Apparently Rev. Camping saw something in the Bible that everyone else has overlooked for some 2,000 years.  Way to go, Harold!!

I read the story about Rev. Camping and his prediction on the internet (even more proof that his story must be true).  The article contained exacting detail on the precise time Camping says the world will end … 6:00pm.  But wait!  That’s not 6:00pm Eastern Standard Time … it’s 6:00pm, local time.  Apparently God has a great deal of respect for…    (more…)

Tiger Woods - master whiner

Let me say this about that.

whine:  [hwahyn, wahyn] – verb. To utter, in a nasal tone, unfounded complaints.  To snivel in a peevish and self-pitying way.  To accuse, without basis, someone else for one’s own self-created problems.

They have been with us all our lives – WHINERS.  In grammar school there was always some kid who complained: “…. somebody pushed me …. the dog ate my homework …. he doesn’t play fair …. she’s the teacher’s pet”.  When you became an adult, there was always someone in the office complaining: “…. I didn’t get the promotion because of office politics …. she slept her way to the top …. he’s a brown-noser …. he got promoted because he’s a minority”.

But, let me set you straight folks, and this is the truest thing you will ever hear.  There are no bigger whiners anywhere than in professional sports.  If you are looking for a tried and true formula in pro sports it looks something like this:   “The bigger the income and the lower the IQ, the bigger the whiner”.

Next to pro athletes, Charlie Sheen looks like…    (more…)

Future food stamp dispensary

Let me say this about that.

If we were to conduct an on-line poll to find the goofiest state in the union, Florida would win hands down.  Not even the residents of California can compete with the daffy, dippy, ditzy, dopey citizens of the Sunshine State when it comes to irrational behavior.  Is there any doubt why Walt Disney chose Florida and California as the first places to build his fantasy-oriented amusement parks?  “Reality”  is an ephemeral concept in both states, but Florida is in a league of it’s own.

To find the “Alpha-Dogs-of-the-Deranged” in Florida, one merely needs to find the nearest politician.  Florida politicians have passed laws that have saved it’s citizens from such diverse dangers as having sex with alligators, singing in a public place while attired in a bathing suit, and confining pregnant pigs in…    (more…)

Mitchell Tice

Let me say this about that.

In this land of political correctness, where every child is ‘special’, where communication forbids the utterance of words that begin with certain letters, and where ‘real’ people have faded into a vanilla existence dictated by the emergence of the wimpy generation ….. thank God for the Florida Keys !!!

The Florida Keys is an archipelago that stretches 140 miles from Miami south to the village of Key West .  It consists of hundreds of small islands inhabited by birds, tropical plants, and some of the craziest sons-of-bitches you will ever meet.  The local population is so diverse as to defy description as a group.  Most, however, share one common trait – they are all weird.

I share the following stories to make my point:

About a year ago, South Florida CBS affliate, WFOR filed the following story about a traffic accident in the southern Keys.  According to the news report, one Megan Barnes was charged in the accident with a number of offenses.  The TV station reported that Megan plowed into the backend of a pickup truck while shaving her – uh – ‘coochie’. 

But this is the Keys.  Shaving one’s ‘glory hole’ while driving is not all that weird for this part of the world.  What makes this story weird is…    (more…)

Louis XIII De Remy Martin Cognac

Let me say this about that.

I like drinking wine.  It is an elegant endeavor steeped in history, tradition, and ceremony while producing a pleasant euphoria and creating a great platform for bonding with friends and sharing thought-provoking conversation.

My experience with wine, however, had a genesis not so aristocratic.  In the late sixties, I was dating a young hippie flower-child who had a developed an appreciation for smoking hash.  She often poured herself a glass of ‘Boone’s Farm Apple Wine’ while she packed her hash pipe because she claimed it soothed the harshness of inhaling the smoke.  On occasion, I would join her on her trip to ‘the happy place’.  However in my case, I smoked the hash to kill the taste of the ‘Boone’s Farm Apple Wine’.

Nearly half a century later, my taste in wine has blossomed into an obsession expensive enough to fund a Harvard education for the average kid.  I think I hit my peak some years ago when…    (more…)