Secret ingredients

Jul 28th
Posted by shambo  as Culture, Food, Health
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Let me say this about that.

Most Americans are pretty finicky about what they eat.¬† Basically, we’re “meat & potatoes” oriented and sneer at anything exotic on our plate.¬† Asian cuisine, however, is much more varied.¬† When¬†I lived in Asia, I was served such delicacies as cow ankle, camel hump, cat tongue, python skin (for dessert), and sea slug.¬† With the exception¬†of sea slug, I was able to get most of it down¬†(imagine a dead raccoon lying in a New Mexico¬†parking lot for three days, mix it¬†with pig snot – and you’ll have a pretty good idea what sea slug tastes like).

There¬†is a small minority of Americans that savor unorthodox foods, but it rarely goes beyond oysters, truffles, or escargot.¬† The majority of us prefer our exotic ingredients in other ways.¬† Take for example…¬†¬†¬† shampoo.

In¬†our shower, my wife has a collection of hair-care products so large it is arranged by the Dewey Decimal System.¬† The ingredients in some of these containers would make a forensic pathologist puke.¬† Who in the hell ever thought up the idea of using “placentas” in shampoo?

“Mornin’ there, Leroy.¬† Looks like your ‘ol sow had a nice litter of piglets.¬† Pretty messy, though.¬† Hate to have to clean up all them placentas.”

“Not a problem, Hershel.¬† Got the ‘ol lady convinced it’s good for her hair.¬† Funny as hell.¬† Thought I was gonna choke up a hair ball the first time¬†I saw her do it.”

Sometimes I think that women will believe anything as long as¬†they hear it from¬†a cosmetics company.¬† There is another bottle in the shower that lists the ingredients¬†as “oatmeal and shea butter”.¬† I had to look up “shea butter” on the internet.¬† Turns out it is a cooking oil from West Africa.¬† I would love to have been a fly on the wall in the cosmetics lab when they came up with this one.

“Dr. Scratchensniff, I think I have a breakthrough new hair conditioner made from Cheerios and garlic powder.”

“Forget it Miss Twisternip.¬† Ingredients¬†have to be more exotic.¬† If you are going to use breakfast foods, try oatmeal.¬† And while you’re at it, throw in some of that African cooking oil.¬† Yeeee Haaaa, this is the funnest job in the world !!”

If women believe pig placentas, oatmeal, and cooking oil are good for their grooming, then I have a few additions to send to the cosmetic companies that might just fund my retirement.¬† Announcing “Fore-Ever Hand Cream, made from all natural kangaroo foreskins.”

“OK¬† Nigel, ya gotta hold him down real good there¬†mate.¬† If he keeps jumping around like that, I’m never gonna be able to¬†get this done.”

And now, from “ShamWay” comes the new miracle wrinkle remover “Cat Cream”.

“Hey there, Joe Bob.¬† I hear your contract to supply ingredients¬†for the cosmetics company’s new¬†Cat Cream product is going very well.¬† But I gotta tell you, JB, look like you’ve been in a train wreck.”

“Yeah, I know, Amos.¬† Did ya ever try to milk a cat?”

And, that’s all I have to say about that.

Shambo

 

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10 Comments

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  9. Shambo  31st July 2009  

    Interesting analysis. I’m not aware of any product out there that is targeted at increasing male sex ‘drive’. Frankly, there is zero market for such a product. ‘Performance’, on the other hand is a horse of a different hue.
    My philosophy is just this, Ms Phoebe. You can take drugs to enhance performance, or you can follow the advice of any music teacher… PRACTICE – PRACTICE – PRACTICE
    Shambo

    ps: However, if you have any of that ‘Horney Goat Weed’ lying around, send me a little. I’ll smoke anything

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    We women buy our products to look good for our men!

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