Secret ingredients

Jul 28th
Posted by shambo  as Culture, Food, Health


Let me say this about that.

Most Americans are pretty finicky about what they eat.¬† Basically, we’re “meat & potatoes” oriented and sneer at anything exotic on our plate.¬† Asian cuisine, however, is much more varied.¬† When¬†I lived in Asia, I was served such delicacies as cow ankle, camel hump, cat tongue, python skin (for dessert), and sea slug.¬† With the exception¬†of sea slug, I was able to get most of it down¬†(imagine a dead raccoon lying in a New Mexico¬†parking lot for three days, mix it¬†with pig snot – and you’ll have a pretty good idea what sea slug tastes like).

There¬†is a small minority of Americans that savor unorthodox foods, but it rarely goes beyond oysters, truffles, or escargot.¬† The majority of us prefer our exotic ingredients in other ways.¬† Take for example…¬†¬†¬† shampoo.

In¬†our shower, my wife has a collection of hair-care products so large it is arranged by the Dewey Decimal System.¬† The ingredients in some of these containers would make a forensic pathologist puke.¬† Who in the hell ever thought up the idea of using “placentas” in shampoo?

“Mornin’ there, Leroy.¬† Looks like your ‘ol sow had a nice litter of piglets.¬† Pretty messy, though.¬† Hate to have to clean up all them placentas.”

“Not a problem, Hershel.¬† Got the ‘ol lady convinced it’s good for her hair.¬† Funny as hell.¬† Thought I was gonna choke up a hair ball the first time¬†I saw her do it.”

Sometimes I think that women will believe anything as long as¬†they hear it from¬†a cosmetics company.¬† There is another bottle in the shower that lists the ingredients¬†as “oatmeal and shea butter”.¬† I had to look up “shea butter” on the internet.¬† Turns out it is a cooking oil from West Africa.¬† I would love to have been a fly on the wall in the cosmetics lab when they came up with this one.

“Dr. Scratchensniff, I think I have a breakthrough new hair conditioner made from Cheerios and garlic powder.”

“Forget it Miss Twisternip.¬† Ingredients¬†have to be more exotic.¬† If you are going to use breakfast foods, try oatmeal.¬† And while you’re at it, throw in some of that African cooking oil.¬† Yeeee Haaaa, this is the funnest job in the world !!”

If women believe pig placentas, oatmeal, and cooking oil are good for their grooming, then I have a few additions to send to the cosmetic companies that might just fund my retirement.¬† Announcing “Fore-Ever Hand Cream, made from all natural kangaroo foreskins.”

“OK¬† Nigel, ya gotta hold him down real good there¬†mate.¬† If he keeps jumping around like that, I’m never gonna be able to¬†get this done.”

And now, from “ShamWay” comes the new miracle wrinkle remover “Cat Cream”.

“Hey there, Joe Bob.¬† I hear your contract to supply ingredients¬†for the cosmetics company’s new¬†Cat Cream product is going very well.¬† But I gotta tell you, JB, look like you’ve been in a train wreck.”

“Yeah, I know, Amos.¬† Did ya ever try to milk a cat?”

And, that’s all I have to say about that.





  1.  9th March 2017  

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  8. Caelyn  31st May 2016  

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  9. Shambo  31st July 2009  

    Interesting analysis. I’m not aware of any product out there that is targeted at increasing male sex ‘drive’. Frankly, there is zero market for such a product. ‘Performance’, on the other hand is a horse of a different hue.
    My philosophy is just this, Ms Phoebe. You can take drugs to enhance performance, or you can follow the advice of any music teacher… PRACTICE – PRACTICE – PRACTICE

    ps: However, if you have any of that ‘Horney Goat Weed’ lying around, send me a little. I’ll smoke anything

  10. Phoebe  29th July 2009  

    Would you agree the male species will believe and buy anything as long as it claims to affect their sex drive and/or performance? Talk about calling a product exactly what it is…did you know the natural treatments for erectile dysfunction used to be called “Horsetail Tea” and “Horney Goat Weed”? Hmmm, now this accurately describes the product or is it describing the user? LOL
    We women buy our products to look good for our men!

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