Gettin’ old – it’s a gas

Aug 5th
Posted by shambo  as Aging, Health
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Let me say this about that.

Getting old is much more complex than just sitting in your La-Z-Boy and awaiting the passage of time.¬† There¬†are the complexities of medicare, social security, reverse mortgages, and ear hair.¬† Most of what an old guy needs to know about such things¬†is readily available, but little exists on some of the most important, but socially sensitive subjects.¬† In other words, there is no “Getting Old For Dummies” that us old guys can reference for these issues.

Fear not, my aged brethren.  Shambo is about to bridge this gap.

As guys age, their body chemistry changes dramatically and produces copious amounts of…¬†¬†¬† methane.¬† And not just when spicy food is eaten.¬† Chemical reactions seem to change anything consumed¬†into gas balls the size of a Zeppelin hanger.¬† Eat even the blandest of foods, you’ve got gas – oatmeal, gas – white bread, gas – ice water, gas.

Relief from this¬†condition is not optional and eventually expelling¬†this vaporous bloat is a certainty.¬† The only thing you can control¬†is how, when and where.¬† In order to make an appropriate decision¬†regarding it’s release, you need to classify the size and quality of the gas bubble to be expelled.¬† You all are familiar with the ‘Richter Scale’ to measure earthquakes and the ‘Saffir-Simpson Scale’ to measure hurricanes.¬† So to help¬†old guys¬†determine the intensity, urgency, and appropriate venue¬†for release of their internal demon, I have developed the “Shambo Scale” for farts.¬† Flatulence scaled from¬†1 to 9.¬† Behold:

“A¬†meager puff, totally unheard……………………1 point”

“Promotes eyes partially blurred………………….2 points”

“Causes speech to be slurred………………………3 points”

“Excessively smelly¬†beyond words……………….4 points”

“Stinks like a gallon bucket of turds…………….5 points”

“Could knock down a flock of birds……………..7 points”

“Would take out a village of Kurds………………9 points”

First of all, always remember that elevators are off limits for relief, no matter where your gas bubble lies on the “Shambo Scale”.¬† This rule is not so much a consolation¬†to the social graces as it is avoidance of shooting oneself with one’s own bullet – so to speak.¬†

I would also¬†suggest that anyone with a ¬†number above three would be well advised to avoid open fires.¬† Keep the pin in your ‘gas grenade’¬† until you are sure that your ‘butt bomb’ cannot be ignited by an open flame, thereby removing all anal hair and cauterization of the sphincter.¬† It’s not pretty.

Any “Shambo Scale” number above 5 is where real problems tend to occur.¬† Be advised.¬† Release of¬† this level of flatulence indoors will activate¬† automatic fire extinguishing systems.¬† If your number gets above 7, paint begins to peel, small animals asphyxiate, pregnant women go into labor, and even the most hardened athiest gets religion.

And lastly, a number of 9 or higher will, and I must add emphasis, result in the arrival of a federal HAZ-MAT team and charges of possession of a weapon-of-mass-destruction.

Always use this simple guide – if it’s above a 7, take it outside.”

And, that’s all I have to say about that.

Shambo

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