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Let me say this about that.

What is it with aliens and butts?  I know, I know, you are scratching your head and thinking:

“Maude, ‘ol Shambo has finally gone round the bend.  He’s writin’ something ’bout aliens and butts.  Boy, ‘ol boy, I sure wished that we had some of the wacky peyote that he’s been smokin’.  How in the name of Jefferson Davis can he write anything that has ‘aliens’ and ‘butts’ in the same sentence?”

Well loyal ‘LMSTAT’ fans, this is not as big a stretch as you might think.  In 1992, a UFO expert (whatever that is) by the name of Dr. Karla Turner wrote a book about her own alien abduction in a book entitled Into the Fringe.  In her book she describes the twenty-one things you can expect to happen when it’s your turn to be abducted.  I won’t go into detail here, but most of the twenty-one things would make the Marque de Sade retch.

As you might surmise, one of the things you DO NOT WANT TO DO when abducted by aliens is…    to bend over for any reason.  It seems that aliens are obsessed with butts.  According to UFO experts, if you are ever abducted, you can expect to have something grabbing onto, brushed up against, smacked,  or inserted into your butt.

My question is, why are aliens only interested in butts of overweight people who live in trailer parks in Arkansas?  You never hear of aliens abducting people from a penthouse apartment on the Lower East Side of Manhattan.

“Yeah, me and Darleen wuz just sittin’ round the double-wide watchin’ Dukes of Hazzard, when these aliens came in, snatched me up and took me to their space ship.  One of them suckers held me down whilst the other one pulled off my overalls.  Then they bent me over this railing and grabbed this thing ’bout the size of the business end of a Louisville Slugger and stuck it right up my butt.  I wuz hopping around there, looking like half a fudgesicle, until they got to laughing so hard I got away.”

I don’t know about you, but if I was an alien and had an obsession about butts, I would be abducting Jennifer Lopez or Beyonce.  Now there is some-more classic ass architecture.  But, apparently aliens have little interest in ‘buns-of-steel’.  So, I’m asking myself, what are these aliens looking for if they only show interest in trailer-park bubble butts.  Then it hit me – a true epiphany.  Aliens must like a good ‘butt joke’ as much as the rest of us.

So, in the interest of inner-galactic peace making, I offer to these beings, from another world, the best ‘butt joke’ ever told:

“Yeah, I just hate going to the doctor.  Every time I go in for a check-up, he wants to stick his fingers up my butt.  He’s got to be the worst dentist I ever had.”

And, that’s all I have to say about that.

Shambo