Better holidays

Sep 15th
Posted by shambo  as Culture, Holidays, Jobs


Let me say this about that.

Seems that in America we’ll do just about anything to get out of a day’s work.¬† In order to¬†soothe our guilt trip for being lazy, we have invented “holidays”.¬† Our logic is that somehow it would be sacreligious, unpatriotic, or disrespectful to actually go to work on these days that mark important dates in our culture.¬†¬†We are virtually forced to observe important benchmarks in our culture¬†marked by skipping work on such¬†holidays such as:¬† Groundhog Day¬† -¬† Valentine’s Day¬† -¬† Arbor Day¬† -¬† April Fool’s Day ¬†-¬† Secretary’s Day.¬† You don’t get these days off?¬† Go to any government office on these days to find out who does.

If we are going to let American¬†employees off work 10 or 15 days a year to observe such artificial¬†crap , I say let’s commemorate something really important instead¬†- something really important to us personally.¬† I will now grace all my LMSTAT readers with…¬†¬†¬† the “Shambo List of New Holidays”.¬†¬† This is the list I would choose, personally, but would welcome any additions or changes you may suggest.

First of all, I would retain only four of the most vitally important current holidays:¬† Christmas, Thanksgiving, Memorial Day, and St. Patrick’s Day.¬† The deep cultural¬†importance of these holiday’s¬†goes unchallenged, while the rest don’t¬†measure up to my high standard.¬† In addition to these 4, I would declare a new holiday in remembrance to several critically important dates in life.

1)¬† “THE FIRST TIME YOU GOT LAID DAY”:¬†¬† Oh, I can hear the tongues wagging already.¬† “Shambo has no couth, he’s being coarse again, his mind is stuck in the gutter, yada, yada, yada.”¬† But, take this little test, dear readers.¬† How many of you remember the first time you got laid, versus, oh say, the exact date of Arbor Day?¬† The specific date on which this momentous occasion occurred could not, of course, be observed on the ‘actual’ date, as both my wife and I lied about being virgins when we got married.¬†

2)¬† “THE FIRST TIME YOU GOT DRUNK AND DIDN’T PUKE DAY”:¬†¬† Now¬†here is a ‘rite-of passage’¬† for the All American teenager.¬† It would have been poetic if this day coincided with St. Patrick’s Day, but I don’t ever recall celebrating St. Patrick’s Day when I did not put on a hurling exhibition sometime during the event.

3)¬† “MY GIRLFRIEND JUST WENT ON THE PILL DAY”:¬†¬† HooooBoy!¬† If there was ever a holiday that could beat the crap out of Christmas, this is it!¬†¬† They say that Christmas comes but once a year,¬†but after¬†“My Girlfriend Just Went On The Pill Day”, well, you get the idea.

4)¬† “I FINALLY PAID OFF MY CAR DAY”:¬† WOW!¬† I remember this occasion with more joy than my own birthday.¬† It was like you had a car, AND, you just got a fat raise.¬† However, in order to observe this new holiday, you must actually have paid off a car loan.¬† If you’ve never done that, then you don’t need to be taking any days off.¬† Now¬†get your ass back to work.

And, that’s all I have to say about that.




  1. Shambo  16th September 2009  

    I like elixer and I like potatoes. Let’s have a drink and take the day off !!!

  2. Phoebe  16th September 2009  

    Enjoyed your Shambo holiday list…However I must remind you of the Andy Griffith – Morrison sisters special holidays for selling “elixer”…like National Potato Day! What a hoot!

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