Alternate destinies

Sep 17th
Posted by shambo  as Current Events, Jobs


Let me say this about that.

The course of our lives often rests on  the seemingly minute decisions we make every day.  Change any one of these decisions, and our lives could turn out radically different.  Or would we simply be the same person in a different environment?  Take for example:

Barack Obama, Bank Loan Officer:

Obama:¬† “Good morning, madam, how may I help you?”

Customer:¬† “I want to get a $100,000 loan.”

Obama:¬† “OK, what do you need the loan for?”

Customer:¬† “Well, these welfare checks just don’t keep the ‘ol crack pipe full like they used to.”

Obama:¬† “Been there.¬† Now what kind of work do you do?”

Customer:¬† “Oh, I don’t work.¬† I got me 14…¬†¬†¬† kids.”¬†¬†¬†

Obama:¬† “Well what about your husband?”

Customer:¬† “Oh, I ain’t never been married.”

Obama:¬† “I see.¬† But do you have any collateral?”

Customer:¬† “Any what?”

Obama:¬† “Oh, never mind that.¬† They just make us ask that question.¬† How would you like your money?”

Customer:¬† “In one dollar bills, please.¬† And could you get someone to help me carry it home?¬† I’m pregnant, you see.”

George W. Bush, Speech Therapist:

Bush:¬† “Now what seems to be the problem?”

Patient:¬† “Problems organizing thoughts to making good talking.”

Bush:¬† “Not to worry.¬† I’ve had¬†similar speech¬†problems, especially when goat-roping the monkey flyers.”

Patient:¬† “What?”

Bush:¬† “Thought and speech integration is simply a matter stroking the bullhorn on a polka poodle.”

Patient:¬† “What?”

Bush:¬† “What’s with all¬†the¬† WHAT’s?¬† Fool me once, shame on you.¬† Fool me twice and the stink is off the turd.”¬†

Paris Hilton, Rocket Scientist:

Reporter:¬† “Well Ms. Hilton, we hear you are preparing for a new mission into space.¬† Where exactly are you going?”

Hilton:¬† “We’re planning a manned mission to the Sun.”

Reporter:¬† “The Sun.¬† Why, that would be impossible.¬† The Sun is too hot.¬† You would be burned to a crisp.”

Hilton:¬† “OH, we thought about that.¬† That’s why we’re going at night.”

Larry the Cable Guy, Political Advisor: 

Congressman:¬† “Larry, what’s the difference between Nancy Pelosi and the Panama Canal?

Larry:¬† “Well first of all,¬†the Panama Canal is a busy ditch.¬† ‘At’s rite.”

Congressman:¬† “OK.¬† But do you know the difference between Bill Clinton and the Titanic?

Larry:¬† “To begin with, we know how many people went down on the Titanic.¬† Git’r done.”

O.J. Simpson, Country Music Singer:

“Here I sit in this Nevada jail,

Ain’t got no friends, can’t make no bail,

My plea for freedom is to no avail,

And everyone say’s I’m goin’ to hell.”

Hillary Rodham Clinton, Porn Star:

Johnny Hardwood:¬† “Oooo, Hillary, that pants suit¬†gets me so hot.”

Hillary:¬† “Bring it on, big boy.¬† I’ll bet you have never been with a¬†powerful woman before.”

Hardwood:¬† “You’re a woman?”

And, that’s all I have to say about that.





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