The trouble with women

Oct 4th
Posted by shambo  as Culture, Language, Relationships


Let me say this about that.

I’m just going to come right out and say this.  I believe that whoever wrote the Book of Genesis in the Old Testament got it wrong.  Maybe not the entire “Creation” thing, but the “First Sin” thing is completely askew.  I believe that Adam and the Serpent were just sitting around in the garden, probably having a few beers and discussing how they could start a bowling team, when Eve shows up with an apple …. uninvited, I might add.  And the rest, as they say, is history.  In my opinion, the snake was framed, and it was Eve that perpetrated the original sin.

Yes, dear LMSTAT readers, it was ‘woman’ that was put here on earth to impose redemption, and both men and snakes have been paying for it ever since.  Women exact their punishment by…    driving us crazy, just to the point of justifiable homicide, and then, just before we go over the edge, they play the “sex card”.  Their methodology has a mad genius quality to it that all but obviates a viable defense. 

How do they drive us crazy?  For one thing, they speak a strange language based on equivocation and non-specificity that is impossible for men to interpret.  See if this sounds familiar:

My wife, like most women, believe that terms like “this way, that way, over in that direction, and towards the Mall”  are perfectly suitable substitutes for “North, South, East, or West” when giving directions.  Their direction-giving terminology is usually accompanied by (what I call) “Italian Adjectives”.  An “Italian Adjective” is a descriptive modifier that uses arm and hand motions, rather than words.  These arm waving motions are so important to women giving directions that I have seen my wife turn into a deaf mute simply by putting her hands in her pockets.

And, how about this?  While most men can perform several tasks simultaneously, women’s inability to ‘multitask’ can drive even the most patient man into a psychopathic rage.  My wife has the most exasperating habit of ceasing all other activity when she wants to tell me something.  We could be running from a burning building with our hair on fire and she would come to a dead stop to tell me that my shirt had a mustard stain.  Apparently, the only activity that can be accomplished while talking is the waving of arms (the aforementioned “Italian Adjective”).  This habit is so pronounced that when we go out and I drop her off to park the car, I give her my cell phone and ask her to call someone so she will not be able to wander off until I return.  It’s amazing ….while talking, she goes totally immobile.  The cell phone trick works better than Kryptonite with Superman.

The weird language thing got so maddening once that I tried something I saw on TV.  I shoved my open palm in my wife’s face and told her to:  “Talk to the hand.”  She had a mildly creative, but extremely effective retort:  “Talk to the butcher knife.”

I know some men’s wives get on their nerves to the point that they resort to spousal abuse.  I would never go down that road.  I suppose I could get away with it once, but I enjoy a peaceful night’s sleep so much that I don’t want to be awakened in the middle of the night for a short, but intense conversation with Mr. Butcher Knife.

And, that’s all I have to say about that.



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