Who buys this stuff?

Oct 19th
Posted by shambo  as Culture, Shopping
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Let me say this about that.

You may not believe this, but there are actually stores in the United States that sell totally worthless crap.¬† I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP!¬† If you are a guy, it’s inconceivable that there can be a business that makes a profit by selling objects which have no purpose.¬† I’m not talking about cheap stuff here either.¬† I’m talking about worthless crap with price tags that require a second mortgage.¬† Let me give you a couple of examples just so you don’t think I’ve been smoking crack.

The Mecca of business enterprises selling worthless crap is Bed, Bath, and Beyond.¬† These guys are the 800 pound gorillas of¬†paraphernalia that¬†occupies space, but doesn’t do anything else.¬† For example:

Log Home Dog House – $250.00:¬† It’s just what it says folks – a log cabin for a dog.¬† WRONG !¬† I’ll be damned if I’m…¬†¬†¬† going to buy Rover a weekend place while I’m stuck at home¬†mowing the yard.

Mailbox – $190.00:¬† Now this one is a little complicated.¬† OK, it’s a BOX, in which you get MAIL.¬† My God, what will they think of next.¬† A house, just slightly less expensive than Rover’s weekend place, where your mail can live until you move it into the dump that you live in.

Toaster – $200.00:¬† It toasts bread.¬† That explanation would bring total disbelief for a device that costs $200.00, so I’m going to help the B,B & B marketing guys out with a better description…..”A house, slightly more expensive than your mailbox, where your bread can get a tan.”

Another enterprise selling material that will have more value in the recycle bin than¬†it’s current form, is Sharper Image.¬† There are two product offerings that particularly caught my eye.¬† Being a practical man, it is unclear how I managed this long without both.¬† They are:

Robotic Baby Dinosaur Р$330.00:  Just when you think you have every tool in the Home Depot inventory, you find that somehow, you overlooked a Baby Dinosaur from Sharper Image.  The fact that it costs more than a riding lawnmower should not minimize the necessity of owning this ubiquitous device.

Talking Meat Thermometer – $85.00:¬†¬† The leading edge of technology.¬† This is no ordinary meat thermometer that requires you to, with great difficulty, actually look at it to read the temperature of the meat on your grill.¬† No sir, for the price of an airline ticket from Miami to Atlanta, you can have a meat thermometer that allows you to step away from your grill – up to 100 feet -¬† and be secure in the knowledge that if your meat is being overcooked, it will loudly proclaim:¬† “Yo, dickhead, you’re burning the chicken.”

Pier One Imports ….. simply saying the name of this place sends most guys into a catatonic stupor.¬† For years, I scheduled root canals, kidney stone removals, and prostate exams on the days my wife asked me to drive her to Pier One Imports.¬† This worked for years¬†until I ran out of body parts I could safely remove.¬†¬†At that point, I was forced at gunpoint to enter this ‘hall-of-the-damned’¬† to purchase a few indispensable items.¬† One of which was a pair of scissors shaped like a woodpecker.¬† Woodpecker Scissors.¬† You can’t make this stuff up.

And, that’s all I have to say about that.

Shambo

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