Cat, the other white meat

Nov 30th
Posted by shambo  as Economics, Food, Government
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Let me say this about that.

I have been studying the current administration’s economic stimulus packages.¬† Not because I don’t have a life and have nothing better to do.¬† I am doing it because I have discovered a mathematical phenomenon that has been overlooked, not only by the general public, but by the Obama economic czars as well.

Just follow me here.¬† Obama is giving away money to stimulate the economy by infusing cash into the system.¬† So far, so good.¬† Unfortunately, the government is already hopelessly in debt and doesn’t have any money.¬† So, the administration is raising taxes on American citizens¬†to generate the money¬†which he is giving away to ….. American citizens.¬† This is rather like ‘robbing Peter to pay, …. well Peter’.

Apparently, the average product of the American education system thinks this makes perfect sense.¬† And most HOPE¬† that¬†somewhere down the line, the extra taxes they pay will come back to them in some form of giveaway.¬† News flash – ain’t gonna happen.

The reason it ain’t gonna happen is that one¬†must have a Program¬† that the government can “fund”.¬† Otherwise, it would appear that the government is simply giving back your own money and the folly of the economic stimulus package¬†would be exposed.¬† It doesn’t matter if the ‘Program’ is useful ….. frankly nobody cares.¬† What matters is that it…¬†¬†¬† ‘appears’ the government is ‘helping’.¬† You poor¬†smucks that bought into the entire HOPE¬† nonsense, but don’t have a ‘Program’ for the government to fund, are basically (I don’t want to get too technical here) SCREWED !!

I wanted a ‘Program’ that would create a way to get my own money back, but that wouldn’t require too much work.¬† So I have petitioned the Obama administration to fund my ‘Program’ on the “Study of Cats”.

Why cats, you ask?¬† Simply put, cats don’t do much.¬† This worthless lifestyle fit perfectly into my scheme of not having to do much work to get my money back.¬† Plus, there are 75,000,000 of these little bastards in the U.S. alone, so I would not have to make much of an effort to observe them.¬† Also, cats sleep about 16 hours/day and spend another¬†3 hours grooming themselves.¬† That leaves only 5 hours/day for them to do ‘cat stuff’….. you know, like climbing on the drapes, shredding the upholstery, snubbing your food offerings, puking up hair-balls ……… you know, ‘cat stuff”.

With 75 million cats in America Рdoing nothing РI thought I could come up with a useful purpose that would benefit the entire country. 

Follow me here, again.¬† Cats are mega-fertile.¬† A single pair can produce 420,000 kittens in only seven years.¬† With the average cat weighing in at¬†12 pounds, that means that there are currently 40,000¬†TONS of cats¬†in the U.S.¬†- doing nothing – and a few tons of kittens being added each year.¬† In order to put all these cats to some useful purpose, my government-funded¬†‘Program’ proposes that we use cats as a new “Protein.”

BRILLIANT !!! 

What better way to eliminate hunger in America?  I have even taken the effort to test a few recipes just to validate my hypothesis.  Allow me to dazzle you:

Pussy Pudding:  A delightful after dinner sweet made up of bananas, shredded coconut, sweet & condensed milk and, of course, minced cat.

Deep Fried Cat Fingers:¬† A wonderful substitute for ‘chicken fingers’, even though it take a long time to remove enough fingers to make a meal.¬† Plus, the cats almost never stand still during this process.

Kung Pao Kitty:¬† If you are a fan of Chinese take-out, try this spicy treat.¬† And don’t worry if you drop your plate.¬† It will right itself before it hits the carpet.

Feline Fondue:¬† It’s really simple.¬† Just make a pot of boiling oil, stick a fork into a cat and dump it into the oil.¬† CAUTION:¬† this really annoys the cat so be careful of splashing oil.

Cat Kabobs:¬† This dish is perfect for all you BBQ fans out there.¬† But after you put your kabobs on the grill, don’t forget to apply liberal amounts of (wait for it …. wait for it) catsup.

I expect my ‘Program’ to be so successful at getting my own money back from the government that I am working on an addition program:¬† “What¬†is the best wine to serve with¬†cat”.

And, that’s all I have to say about that.

Shambo

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2 Comments

  1. shambo  1st December 2009  

    Phoebe,
    Thanks for the feedback.
    Judging from the number of death threats I’ve received today, cat-lovers don’t have much of a sense of humor. On the other hand, judging from the responses received from wine drinkers, ‘cat’ may replace cheese as the perfect food pairing.
    Shambo

  2. Phoebe  1st December 2009  

    Your concept is the cat’s me ouch!!!!

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