Classic LMSTAT – Secret Ingredients

Dec 29th
Posted by shambo  as Culture, Food, Health

(Please enjoy this Classic LMSTAT while Shambo enjoys the Holidays!)

Let me say this about that.

Most Americans are pretty finicky about what they eat.  Basically, we’re “meat & potatoes” oriented and sneer at anything exotic on our plate.  Asian cuisine, however, is much more varied.  When I lived in Asia, I was served such delicacies as cow ankle, camel hump, cat tongue, python skin (for dessert), and sea slug.  With the exception of sea slug, I was able to get most of it down (imagine a dead raccoon lying in a New Mexico parking lot for three days, mix it with pig snot – and you’ll have a pretty good idea what sea slug tastes like).

There is a small minority of Americans that savor unorthodox foods, but it rarely goes beyond oysters, truffles, or escargot.  The majority of us prefer our exotic ingredients in other ways.  Take for example…    shampoo.

In our shower, my wife has a collection of hair-care products so large it is arranged by the Dewey Decimal System.  The ingredients in some of these containers would make a forensic pathologist puke.  Who in the hell ever thought up the idea of using “placentas” in shampoo?

“Mornin’ there, Leroy.  Looks like your ‘ol sow had a nice litter of piglets.  Pretty messy, though.  Hate to have to clean up all them placentas.”

“Not a problem, Hershel.  Got the ‘ol lady convinced it’s good for her hair.  Funny as hell.  Thought I was gonna choke up a hair ball the first time I saw her do it.”

Sometimes I think that women will believe anything as long as they hear it from a cosmetics company.  There is another bottle in the shower that lists the ingredients as “oatmeal and shea butter”.  I had to look up “shea butter” on the internet.  Turns out it is a cooking oil from West Africa.  I would love to have been a fly on the wall in the cosmetics lab when they came up with this one.

“Dr. Scratchensniff, I think I have a breakthrough new hair conditioner made from Cheerios and garlic powder.”

“Forget it Miss Twisternip.  Ingredients have to be more exotic.  If you are going to use breakfast foods, try oatmeal.  And while you’re at it, throw in some of that African cooking oil.  Yeeee Haaaa, this is the funnest job in the world !!”

If women believe pig placentas, oatmeal, and cooking oil are good for their grooming, then I have a few additions to send to the cosmetic companies that might just fund my retirement.  Announcing “Fore-Ever Hand Cream, made from all natural kangaroo foreskins.”

“OK  Nigel, ya gotta hold him down real good there mate.  If he keeps jumping around like that, I’m never gonna be able to get this done.”

And now, from “ShamWay” comes the new miracle wrinkle remover “Cat Cream”.

“Hey there, Joe Bob.  I hear your contract to supply ingredients for the cosmetics company’s new Cat Cream product is going very well.  But I gotta tell you, JB, look like you’ve been in a train wreck.”

“Yeah, I know, Amos.  Did ya ever try to milk a cat?”

And, that’s all I have to say about that.




  1. NLP Book  22nd December 2010  

    well, Shea Butter have some special medicinal properties too aside from cosmetic applications *`”

  2. Breakfast Nook  22nd December 2010  

    well, Shea Butter have some special medicinal properties too aside from cosmetic applications ‘;”

  3. Ashley Martinez  29th July 2010  

    Shea Butter is also good on your skin. We use it a lot for treating dry sin or scars.`,~

  4. Zak Fisher  20th June 2010  

    Shea Butter can really promote great health.-,:

  5. Lauren Wright  20th June 2010  

    Shea Butter can really promote great health.,~,

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