Classic LMSTAT – Hangovers

Dec 31st
Posted by shambo  as Health


(Happy New Year!  Please enjoy this Classic LMSTAT while Shambo enjoys the Holidays!)

Let me say this about that.

When I first decided to do this blog, my friends advised me to ‘write about things you know’.  Sounded like good advise to me, so I pondered a few days on numerous subjects upon which I fancied myself an expert.  Engineering, mathematics and logistics were certainly a possibility as I had made my living in these areas for thirty-five years.  Business ‘turnarounds’ and international systems integration were also innovations in which I had prospered.  I consulted my spouse of many years as to which of these topics my background might provide the most credibility, veracity, and rectitude, and which would provide an ideal basis for my blog.  Her response was…    Hangovers.”

Shambo:  “Hangovers?  But Baby, I want this blog to impart knowledge about complex and esoteric topics upon which future generations can reference to unlock the secrets of the ages.”

Mrs. Shambo:  “Dumbass.  Any fool can go to engineering school and learn how to build a bridge.  But where can you go to find anyone – ANYONE - who knows more about hangovers than you?”

Shambo:  “But Baby, I wanted to……….”

Mrs. Shambo:  “Listen Banana-head, there are millions of people out there that would kill for the formula for an ‘anti-aging’ pill, Viagra for women, tattoo remover and a hangover cure.  How many people do you think really gives a ‘humping-monkey’ about your experiences as an engineer?  Do something useful.” 

Shambo:  “I think I need a drink.”

Mrs. Shambo:  “That’s my boy.  You’re the only ‘swinging Johnson’ I have ever met that can sit here,  drink a pitcher of martinis and call it “Research.”

At this point, all I wanted to research was the intricacies of a legal defense for ‘Justifiable Homicide’.  But upon a bit of reflection, I wondered if she might be right.  There is no question I have more experience in the multifaceted field of hangovers than …. hell, maybe anyone.   From first hand experience, I fully appreciate anything that could relieve the pain that can be realistically compared to having a root canal while you’re having your chest waxed. 

Maybe, in some transcendental and metaphysical way, I have found my true calling.  Something lacking in the formal education of our youth.  Something that fills a black hole of truth.  Something that might lead others to expose the revelations of their lives, something, something …….

Mrs. Shambo:  “Something useful”  is the expression you are looking for, Gasbag.”

Research shows that the basic tenet of justifiable homicide is “Provocation”.  But I digress.

So, here is the quintessential wisdom of a half century of battling the omnipotent hangover:

Hangover Relief 101:  After a night of exuberant indulgence; after you flop into bed; after you put one foot on the floor to keep the room from spinning; after you get up two hours later to take a whiz and cut a fart that would knock a B-52 out of the air, get yourself ready for some real misery.  The next morning, you will be willing to donate the proceeds from your 401K for the following hangover cure:

Pour equal parts pickle juice and Jagermeister into a blender.  Add two jalapeno peppers, a slice of baloney and a small bag of M&M’s (with nuts) to the blender and liquefy.  Go to the garage, look under the lawnmower oil cans for the fruit cake you got for Christmas last year and cut a large slice.  Pour the contents from the blender over the fruit cake, light up a cheap cigar and enjoy your breakfast !!

After about half an hour, the hangover won’t seem so bad anymore.

And, that’s all I have to say about that.



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